Love Came Down

Well hello. I know, I know some of you thought I fell off the face of the Earth. I have just been SO busy. It’s kind of crazy, but between my new job, the boy, life and taking care of mom… there are never near enough hours in any given day. I’ve so missed blogging though and I think it’s become really evident to me that it is my outlet. It’s the place I let go and just be. I need that in my life.

Let’s see, let’s start with a bit of an update. Things around here are … well interesting. We’ve officially been back living with my parents for two months. There are days I am convinced it was the absolute most stupid decision we could ever have made, but 99% of the time I know in my heart this is where we are supposed to be, even on the hard days. There have been plenty of hard days lately too. I won’t lie and tell you that there aren’t plenty of days that both the Hubs and I wish for our own space, but the bigger picture here keeps us sane and keeps us going.

Honestly, mom’s not doing the best. There are more days with issues than without. The weight is a BIG concern. Trust me, we all see it too. We are working on it. I’m in touch with the doctor pretty regularly about it and we are trying to figure out meds that work better because what we are doing now isn’t working that great. We are grateful for your love and support and concern! We have good days, we have bad days … we cry a lot. We are trying to laugh a lot in between. I’m not good at this (AT ALL). I spend a lot of nights crying to my husband for something I did wrong that day. It is not in my nature to not argue. For those of you who know me, you know this is true. Being right is in my blood … but it doesn’t matter. IT. DOESN’T. MATTER. If the sky is purple, then it just is. If she didn’t move the medicine, she didn’t. No amount of arguing matters. That’s a hard lesson for me. So if you’re in the praying business…ya know, food for thought J!

I hate this disease. It has already stolen so much from us and it will only continue to take. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately and I recognized a parallel I’m not particularly happy with. This disease just barged into my life without warning. It showed up and it started making demands. It started throwing around accusations. It started messing with my life. It didn’t wait on me. It kept pushing forward, barging ahead, not caring what it was destroying in the process.

 It took and took and took.

And I think sometimes that’s how I approach my relationship with God. I take and I take and I take. I barge in, making all kinds of demands, not waiting to just pushing ahead.

You know I won’t lie. This whole thing has rocked my world. It has brought me to my knees on multiple occasions, but it has not changed my faith. Some days my faith may be harder than others but it has not changed.

It has changed my God for me though. I have found him to be the most faithful, the most patient, the most loving, the most constant. He has put up with me through my questions, my whining, my complaining, my anger, my rage, my frustration … All. Of. It.  I knew God was good, but honestly I’m learning just how good He is.

Growing up I was in church every single time the doors were open. My relationship with God was defined by my attendance at church events, how many times I had my quiet time, etc. I knew in my head that nothing I could do would ever EARN me my salvation … yet I kept striving away. I am learning, albeit slowly, that the truth of what I have known is still true. I cannot be good enough, read my bible enough, sing loud enough, pray hard enough … there is nothing I can do to make me right in God’s eyes. I am … because He is.

The past few months that has become such a balm on my soul. There are days that I barely have time to breathe between work, a toddler, my mom, my family … so squeezing in that quiet time doesn’t always happen. But God still IS. He is still all the things he was before and he will still be all those things tomorrow. His love for me is not contingent on me.

Let me say that again…

HIS LOVE FOR ME IS NOT CONTINGENT ON ME.

He just loves me. That’s it.

There are days I need to be reminded of that. This is one of those days .

I crank up some Kari Jobe, fall face first into my pillow and cry my eyes out. Because he just love me and I need that.

Love Came Down 

If my heart is overwhelmed and I cannot hear your voice,

I’ll hold on to what is true, though I cannot see.

If the storms of life they come, and the road ahead gets steep,

I will lift these hands in praise, I will believe.

I remind myself of all that you’ve done, and the life I have BECAUSE OF YOUR SON.

Love came down and rescued me, love came down and set me free

I am yours, I am forever yours

Mountain high or valley low, I sing out and remind my soul

I am yours, I am FOREVER yours.

When my heart is filled with hope, every promise comes my way,

When I feel your hands of grace pressed upon me,

Staying desperate for you God, staying humbled at your feet,

I will lift these hands in praise I will believe.

Love came down and rescued me, love came down and set me free

I am yours, I am forever yours

Mountain high or valley low, I sing out and remind my soul

I am yours, I am FOREVER yours. 

I Need Your Help

Life with Alzheimer’s … I wish there was an easy way to explain to you my day to day.  There’s just not. Some days are good, some days are not good and some days are downright awful. But we keep doing what we can, putting one foot in front of the other, taking one day at a time.

My attitude hasn’t been very pretty lately. The new job (while going to be really good in the long run) is a huge learning curve for me. I’ve been way more hours than I planned on trying to get the ins and outs of things. It’s nice, because it is flexible. I can take mom on errands she wants to run. I can take an hour and have lunch with her on days when she’s having a hard day. That part of it is really nice. So I think it will be a good move…eventually. Right now it is adding A LOT on my already overflowing plate. But one day at a time, that’s my mantra!

Mom has really been struggling lately. This is so hard for her. I wish I could somehow make it easier, but that’s just not happening. We have always been extremely close and I think because of that sometimes I tend to take the brunt of her frustration. We had a heart to heart today because I told her I NEED her to tell me what I’m doing that is upsetting her because I’m just not sure I understand what it is. There were a lot of tears from her as she explained even she doesn’t know sometimes. She does realize that lately she’s been mad at me a lot. I try to laugh it off because that’s how I deal with it. When I can’t win for losing sometimes laughter is the only thing I’ve got … but I think sometimes she thinks I’m laughing at her. So definitely something I’m working on.

My goal is to do everything in my power to make my mom’s life easier. Some days that’s easier said then done, but it is all part of the process. We take two steps forward and about 12 back, but we just keep moving. That’s what you do. This is a horrible, ugly, STUPID disease. But it is what we have been dealt. God is still good in the midst of it all. I told my kids in Sunday School this morning, I’m learning that even though I don’t see the good in any of this, people are watching and how I react and respond will tell them a lot about my Jesus. I haven’t always done the best at this, but I’ve tried to be honest. I’ve worked my way back to him time and time again and I know that ultimately he is still good.

So mom’s been having a really hard time. She struggles greatly with feeling like she’s already been forgotten. She feels like people’s lives have just kept moving on (which they have, that’s normal) but when yours feels at a standstill that’s a hard pill to swallow. She has some great friends who check on her and take her to lunch. But most of her days are spent sitting cooped up in the house. She’s been really fighting depression lately, but honestly we have that in common. She tells me she is in mourning. I totally get that and tell her often she is allowed to be. Lately there’s been a lot of I hate myself, I hate my life, I would rather just die. That’s hard … it’s hard for me to swallow. But, like I told her today right now we focus on one day at a time. We get up, we face the day, we do the very best we can, and tomorrow we do it all over again.

Her birthday is coming up this week. She’s been pretending it doesn’t exist. She told me she doesn’t want to face it. But, that’s just not gonna happen. The truth is we don’t know how many good birthdays we are going to have left. So I’m going to celebrate the heck outta this woman I call my mother. We are planning fun things for her and I know so many of you love her and I’m hoping you will want to be a part!

First, I would LOVE it if you read my blog if you would send her a birthday card. I’ll give you the address in a minute, but I want her to know she has NOT been forgotten. The same people who pray me through and carry me are praying and supporting her. Her birthday is Wednesday but we are going to have a party for her on Saturday and I would love to have a bag full of cards just for her!

Second, here’s my idea for the party (I’m actually really proud of this, but I do have to give a little credit to the hubs). So everyone who is coming to the party has been asked not to bring a gift. I’d love to invite you all but crowds cause anxiety attacks right now so that wouldn’t be a very fun party! Anywho, instead of gift I have asked every one coming to bring a card and on a piece of paper, index card or whatever inside the card I want them to write one thing they could do over the next year with my mom. I’ve got a cousin who might take her bowling, one who might take her skating, the boy is going to plan a weekend trip to the zoo. It could be lunch, manis, pedis, movies, shopping, exercising…ANYTHING. Seriously, my directionally challenged aunt is talking about taking her hiking. I don’t care what it is because I want her to have things to look forward to do and memories to make. The only rule is that when you do these activities you HAVE to take pictures. My gift to her is a scrapbook where we will put all of her pictures together for to have FOREVER. I know right???

So here’s what I’m asking, if you are a friend of hers who is close enough that this is something you could do, please do it. Send a birthday card with something written inside that you can do with her over this year. It doesn’t have to have a date, like on 12/3/14 we will do this. It can just say, Susie, this year you and I will go to lunch, or whatever!  I love creativity, so be as creative as possible. She has a friend who is buying concert tickets. I LOVE THAT! I want her to experience and really enjoy the good days we have left. I don’t want her cooped up every day watching the clock tick by.

Of course there are some of you who read this that it would just be weird if you offered to do something with her … so please just send a card J!

I’m hoping this will be an incredible birthday for her, one she can remember and have pictures for when she can’t! The party is a surprise, so PLEASE don’t say anything to her if you see her. I want all of this to be a surprise, but I want her to know she is NOT forgotten. She is loved by soooo many. I get to see it and hear it as you post on here, but I want her to hear it this time!

I will be forever grateful to all of you.

Thank you for loving my family so well!!

(The mailing address to send the cards to is 608 Sequoyah Lane Altus, OK 73521)!

Good

Bless it. This has been the longest week of my life and it is only Wednesday. I literally felt myself breaking last night. I felt a breakdown coming on like I’ve never felt it before. As I laid my head on the pillow last night I told God, seriously if you love me at all, that baby needs to sleep. We’d had two straight nights of about 2 hours of sleep. He was beyond miserable and feeling awful. Both mom and dad were feeling awful and the hubs was out of town at his two week long training. I don’t like to test God … I know that’s frowned upon. But friends, I NEEDED rest!

…and he provided. It  took forever to get that baby to sleep. I literally drove around for over an hour with Let it Go (blame that one on my babysitter) on repeat. Finally about 9:30 he was out. I worked until about midnight and crawled into bed, just dreading the cry that would inevitably come. IT DIDN’T!! I got up to my alarm, showered, dressed, had coffee and started my computer to log in all before he woke up! It was such a small little blessing, that I NEEDED so desperately.

It kind of got me to thinking about the past year or so of my life. There are so many ways that He has been good to me. So many ways that He has shown up for me. I’m not sure why I doubt Him. I’m not sure why I direct ALL my anger at him (okay maybe not all, the poor hub gets his fair share).  But the truth is even in the midst of unimaginable circumstances He is still good, He is still true. He is still God.

There’s a word for us in there, friends. He is still good.

The circumstances aren’t. This week has about done me in. Mom is in the precious argue about everything stage and not one single approach I have tried works. Everyone says just agree with her. Ok! I do that … and then she wants to fight about me agreeing! Some days are better than others that’s for dang sure!

No matter how scheduled and prioritized I have tried to make myself this week – my plans have all gone SPLAT! I can sit around and feel sorry for myself (which for me usually involves chocolate, LOTS of chocolate) or I can determine that tomorrow is a new day, dust myself off and try again.

And well the truth is, I’m trying again. Because He has been SO good to me, I think he’s worth it! Plus I hear He’s all about second chances…

Checking In

Hey guys.

Sorry I haven't written in a few days. It's been hectic around here. Last week I had a sick baby, this week I have sick mom. Finally got her to the doctor yesterday and bless her heart she has a severe sinus infection.

I also started my new job. I posted this on Facebook, but just for fun...my new office!

I'm actually feeling 100% overwhelmed trying to manage all of these plus learn a new job. It's definitely not going to be easy, but the flexibility is going to help out so much!

Things have been ... interesting lately. We finally have the answers that we've wanted for so long, but you still feel this like expectancy almost for things to be different. Life just keeps on going ... even when your whole world has been rocked and turned upside down.

We are going to have an adjustment period for mom to get used to me working at home. I think she came in my office about 97 times yesterday. But that's okay - that's why we are doing this! Just a learning curve that we are BOTH going to have to figure out!

I've got to be honest, I've not only fallen off the wagon lately... I jumped off, let the wagon roll over me, got back in it's way again as it passed back by. That's been the last few weeks of my life. I wake up every day and say that I'm going to get back on track - and by noon - that's usually thrown out the window!

I did get a new exercise program - so I'm hoping that will help motivate me. I started it yesterday and I am SO sore today, so that's a good sign! It's the eating thing that kills me. But I have NO excuse now. I'm at home, I can choose to eat healthier. So I've already got a great recipe in the crockpot.

Low Carb Chicken Tacos ... mmm!! 

I'm learning life is just one big process. All you can do is take it day by day ... so here we go! 

Just like that ...

It feels like a door has been closed or slammed shut really. For the past 8 months we have had this cloud of uncertainty hanging over us. Even though we’ve pretty much known for a while now, there was always still that possibility … that hope. 

From the beginning my mom has said she would rather it be anything BUT Alzheimer’s. It’s not even been a year since we buried my dad’s mom, who had a rapid progression of dementia due to a head injury. So for her that’s what Alzheimer’s will be like. She will forget us all. She will be a shell of a person and miserable. The reality is we are a ways off from that, but my grandma was almost 90. She lived many, many good years. Mom is 54 … 

Last week’s test at Baylor was basically supposed to tell us whether or not the proteins that are present in brains with Alzheimer’s were present in her brain. The way the doctor explained it to us was that the areas of heavy protein (they have another name for it - Amyvid) would light up red on the scan. 

He took us into the room and we all sat quietly while he pulled her scans up on his screen. Her brain lit up like a Christmas tree, a very red Christmas tree. My heart sank. 

The truth is in my gut I knew this is why he had called us in, but there still remained that small sliver of hope. I kept thinking that maybe, just maybe … I mean I still believe that God does miracles. I see evidence of them all over. So maybe the scans would show something everyone else had missed. Something that could be fixed and then my mom would be the mom I’ve always known and life could go back to normal and this past year would be something we all laughed about one day. 

But the proof that I’d been hoping for, the answers I”d been seeking stared back at me from that screen…not only was the Alzheimer’s protein heavy in the back of her brain (where she has already been diagnosed with posterior cortical atrophy) but it was also heavily present on the sides and the front. We are still in the early stages…we knew that she’s 54. What this means though is that by the age that most people experience onset of symptoms mom will be in a rapid decline. We are looking at anywhere from 5-10 years of decline. 

She will have good days. She will have bad days. There will be days when the cylinders just don’t click. He expressed to her the importance of taking care of herself. He talked with her about finding something to do that she enjoys. We had a good laugh because every hobby that she could come up with she won’t be able to do because of her vision. We are still dealing with the fact that she will function very much like a blind person eventually. 

Mom handled it wonderfully. Every other single trip we’ve taken to the doctor she leaves crying uncontrollably. This time she took it all like a champ. We are going to try a medicine for 3 months and then go back and see him. 

For me, it feels like a really crappy ending to one chapter and a crappy start to the next. The future is unknown, it is scary. I know I will be up for the battle (and there will be many of them) but right now, in this moment, I just don’t want to think about the fight that lies ahead. 

All the things I know about Jesus are still true. He is still fighting for me and with me. He has not abandoned me. There is a plan in all this crazy madness. He will find a way for his glory to be shown to others through our fight and he will hold me steady through it all. 

When It Rains ...

Just when I think things couldn't get much worse ...

The boy has been extremely sick the past week. He started running a fever last Thursday. Dr confirmed a double ear infection, started an antibiotic and expected him to be much better by Sunday. Sunday afternoon he woke up from his nap with 105.6. Scared me to death ... We spent pretty much all night Sunday and all day today trying to keep his fever down. It got up to 105 a few more times, but we did the whole lukewarm bath and alternating meds to try and keep him comfortable. But he has felt MISERABLE. It has been a rough few days. Tonight he was finally acting like himself again so I'm hopeful he is on the mend. I really need him to be on the mend.

Mom did her test in Dallas on Thursday. We heard from the doctor and he wants to see us tomorrow at 3. We had originally been told he would call us with the results so I don't think any of us really know who to feel. I'm imagining he is going to tell us that her brain lit up with protein (which means alot of Alzheimer's) and so he wants to discuss options and where we go from here. There is a small part that still continues to hope things will be different...but hope is a fickle thing.

When I was growing up we always had that January Crusade with Jon Randles. For a few years, they brought in that group All or Nothing. Lately the phrase when it rains it pours has been going through my mind. I feel so completely overwhelmed. I need to be at work this week. It is my LAST week with my kids and finishing things up. Instead I'm taking care of a really sick baby and now going to see yet another doctor with my mom. When it rains ... I know lots of people feel this way though. It feels like when things are going crummy ... they just start to pile up. These lyrics popped into my head this afternoon and I've been humming them all day.

When it rains, He Pours out His love, on His children ...

I can't really remember the rest, but that part is on repeat. God hasn't abandoned me. He knows, he hears, he cares...I'm clinging to that!

I'll keep you all posted on tomorrow. I don't really even know what to pray for, but I find myself in that place a lot these days. I'm learning that when I don't know what to say ... he meets me right there. For me that's a really good place to be.

Through It All ...

If you had told me two years ago that my life would look the way it does today, I would have called you crazy. Flat out.

Two years ago, Chris and I were just about to find out we were pregnant. The boy, who we had hoped and prayed about for seven years was finally going to be growing inside of me.

Two years ago we were in a really great place. We were happy. We had friends. Life seemed really good.

So much can change in two years.

Never, in all the situations I played out in my mind, could I have imagined that my mother would be on her way to take a test that would determine whether or not she had Alzheimer's covering her brain.  Never would I have imagined that she would be diagnosed and suffering from a disease where the back part of her brain just basically dies. Never ...

For whatever reason though this is our journey. This is the path that has been chosen for us.

While The Hubs bas been gone to a training the past two weeks, I've been putting the boy to bed. (I have to say it does NOT go as well when Daddy's not here...) One of the things I love about that time is that it's quiet. We cuddle up and rock and sing songs. There is one song in particular I just keep playing over and over.

I've posted this song SO many times before ... but it really is the cry of my heart during this time.

Through it All

Through It All 

My eyes are on You

Through It All 

Through It All 

It is well ... 

So let go my soul and trust in Him

It just seems to be on repeat in my heart. I've found myself quite often during my quiet times just tell God I don't know what to say to Him and simply repeating those lines over and over. I know He knows my heart. I'm so incredibly grateful for the way He continues to meet me and love me right where I am.

I love that He is big enough for my anger, He is big enough for my fear, He is big enough for my sadness. He is just big enough. I'm so grateful for that.

Mom will be in the test tomorrow (Thursday) afternoon. We should have the results by Monday at the latest. I'm not sure what it will really change at this point but at least we will know. My heart doesn't feel as heavy tonight ... so maybe that's a good thing.

I guess I'm working on finding light ... in the darkness. 

One Step...

I wish I could please everyone.

I do.

It's in my nature. I've been called a people pleaser for most of my life. And the truth is, I am. I want to make people happy, sometimes to a fault. Sometimes at the expense of myself.

This whole experience has really taught me that I can't please everyone. It's taught me that it's okay to not please everyone.

People seem to have a lot of suggestions for how we should be doing things. People seem to have a lot of suggestions in general. I literally sat with someone today who told me they are curing Alzheimer's with diet and exercise. I wanted to be like, "Oh really?? Is that all we are missing? Thank you so much!" I know people mean well ... they do, sometimes it is just annoying!

I'm struggling with what people think today because I'm in a situation where I am disappointing some people. I am having to put my family first and make some decisions that some people won't agree with. It's hard for me, because I want to do what I feel is right, but I also don't want other people to be upset with me. So today I'm claiming that my best is enough for God, even when it's not enough for others.

I have not only decided to move back in with my parents, but I am going to be leaving my current job and taking an online job that will allow me the opportunity to stay at home with my mother. The school district that I work for has been very generous and kind in allowing me to do this. Ultimately, this decision is not about me, it is about my mom and for right now she gets to come first.

I will miss my students GREATLY. They are why I do what I do. I will miss watching them realize how smart they actually are and achieve the success they are looking for. I will miss investing in their lives and my own life becoming so much richer because of it.

However, I'm trusting in this moment that God is big enough. He has a plan. NONE of this is catching Him off guard or by surprise. He is still sovereign and He is still directing steps.

I'm also realizing that all I can do right now is put one foot in front of the other, giving Him my very best. He will meet me right here where I am. He's not asking for anything other than a next step right now. So that's what I'll do. I'll keep clinging to Him, taking each step and trusting that He is not going to let me fall...too hard.

Be Held

So many emotions have floated around in my mind and my heart the past few days. I hate everything about what is going on, BUT I have decided that I cannot let that burden me anymore. I hate the saying it is what it is ... because I want to be the person that says no I don't accept this! But in this circumstnace, it kind of is what it is. There's not a lot I can do to change the circumstances. I want to fight them. I want to learn absolutely everything there is to learn about all of this and I want to search for trials and research and absolutely anything available out there. At the end of the day though, I know that for me it will be best to just face this diagnosis head on. It is what it is. I wish I could change it, but right now I can't. That won't stop me from fighting, but it will help me in accepting.

I refuse to be beat by this though. I refuse to crawl into the hole (the one that is dark and I know so well) and let it win. I have written before about my struggles with depression. Right now, I honestly belive were it not for my child I would not be getting out of bed. It literally takes everything in me to roll over and turn on the light, climb out of bed and face each day. But I refuse to live with this cloud hanging over me. It sucks. We know that...we can all agree to that. But she's still here. It is not the end for us yet.

So I want to cherish absolutely every single moment. I want to live life to the fullest every single day. I've had several people question our move out to my parent's house. You know, let me just be honest for one minute, no at the end of the day I did not see myself at 32, married with a kid, moving in with my parents. But you know what, I didn't see a lot of this coming. Right now us being in their home allows for several things to happen.

One, it allows for my mother to spend enormous amounts of time with her only grandchild. It allows her to make memories with him, that even though she may forget and he may not be old enough to remember, I ALWAYS will. As I sit in the evenings and watch the two of them play Legos or drive around in his car, my heart gets extremely heavy. Because I know what this diagnosis means for our future, but I want to embrace today. I want them to have the best, most loving relationship there ever was between a kid and his nana. She deserves that.

Two, it takes some pressure off of my father. For those of you who know my dad, you know he is not what we would call a super emotional guy. However, I have seen this man step up in enormous ways in the past 6 months. He has been there for my mother like absolutely no one else. He reminds her that they promised for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and he tells her that she is not going through this alone. If I can do even one thing every day that makes his life a little easier, it's worth it.

Here's the thing, I don't really care if you agree. I don't really care if you think I'm making the right choice. I'm doing what I feel is best for my family. Realistically, the research shows we won't have a whole lot of years left, especially GOOD ones. So I'm going to smother the heck out of my mom, spending and soaking up as much time with her as possible. And if you don't like it - go tell someone else! :)

This is what I realized last night: I don't want to waste what precious, little time we have left. I don't want to look back 10 years from now and wish I'd have taken it all more seriously. I don't want to look back and wish I'd have spent more time with her than worried about the future.

I don't know what tomorrow holds. My mom told someone yesterday life can change in an instant. It really can. I'm incredibly grateful that I still have her and so I'm going to spend those moments making memories that will l ast forever.

You know me and my lyrics. A friend keeps sending me this, even though we both know it's going to make me cry every time! :) But it is SO GOOD!

Just Be Held

Casting Crowns 

Hold it all together

Everybody needs you strong

But life hits you out of nowhere

And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting 

Chained by your control 

There's freedom in surrender

Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away

You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place

I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm

You'll wonder if I love you still

But if your eyes are on the cross

You'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted

In time, you'll understand 

I'm painting beauty with the ashes 

Your life is in My hands

Lift your hands, life your eyes

In the storm is where you'll find Me

And where you are, I'll hold your heart

I'll hold your heart

Come to Me, find your rest

In the arms of the God who won't let go

You Are Peace

I'm not even sure where to start. I'm really only writing tonight because I know the armies of prayer warriors are anxious to hear.

The news was not good. It was actually what we at one time said was our worst fear. To sum it up as best I can, the doctor detected significant shrinkage in her parietal lobe. This is a syndrome which is called Posterior Cortical Atrophy (PCA).  This syndrome is most typically caused by Alzheimer's but can also be linked to our original diagnosis of Lewy Body Dementia. There is a new test that has only been out about a year and it is only done in Dallas and Houston. This test uses a radioactive dye to show the doctor if there is protein on the brain, where and how much. The test would be fully covered by insurance if it was for cancer purposes, but since we are dealing with Alzheimer's the test is not covered at all. We decided we would like to go ahead and have the test for a very simple reason. The test will let us know if we are dealing with Alzheimer's, which can be slowed (not stopped) some with medicines. Otherwise there is no treatment that we can really do.

The course of PCA is not a good one. Basically the brain is unable to process information. So she would eventually function like a blind person not because her eyesight is bad but because she is no longer able to process what she is seeing. For example, she might be looking at something right in front of her like a glass of milk, but is unable to find the glass of milk because her brain cannot process that it IS a glass of milk. Confused? It's still very confusing to me too, so don't worry. It's a grim prognosis and one that there is very little research about.  Here is one thing I do know ... and had confirmed multiple times today, early onset dementia is actually nothing like regular alzheimer's and dementia associated with older people. While there may be similarities...having this disease onset in the early 50-60's range is quite different. We are dealing with a monster of a disease that very little is known about. However, unlike alzheimer's in the elderly, my mother will be completely aware of all that she cannot do at this time. She will be aware of all that she is losing. She will be aware of all that she struggles with. There are so many other differences that I will go into later because I think it needs to be said.

One thing the doctor did talk with her about is important enough to mention here. She wanted to talk to him because SO MANY people say to her that she looks fine. They tell her that they have the same problems as she has and so she wondered if maybe everyone is making too much of this. (I could and DO tell most of the lovely, well-meaning people who say this to me that you are welcome to spend more than five minutes with us and I guarantee you you will notice the changes.) The doctor was adamant that one of the things about this disease is that is a silent. She does not lose her hair like when battling chemo.  She does not lose a limb like when battling a clot. She loses her mind, which NO ONE can see. There will be plenty of MOMENTS that she will seem totally normal. However, he stressed to us how harmful continuing to tell her she looks good can be. That's not to say you should tell her she looks awful. But perhaps just don't try to offer your own diagnosis of her condition. What we are battling is VERY real and when people say things like this they are unknowingly diminishing that in her mind. Her understanding how real this battle is, is VERY important.

As a family, we don't know how we feel. Defeated is a word that comes to mind. This is hard to face on so many levels. As we were leaving, the doctor asked me if I had any questions.  I talked to him about how quickly she has gotten worse over the past few months. He hugged me tight and said I wish I could tell you it will get better, but I can't. It will only get worse. (It's a good thing I really like him.)

We are also determined. Dad, my brother and I sat down tonight and talked through some things. We made some plans and just processed a little bit together. We are going to fight this as a family. We are going to be there for each other and do whatever it takes to support mom. That much we know.

The test will be next Thursday in Dallas. The doctor will have the results the next day and we will go from there. The crazy thing about all this is that it feels so hopeless. There's really not a lot of fighting we can do ...

When I was putting the boy to sleep tonight. We were listening to some PraiseBaby (apparently my child is addicted to that stuff). The song Forever Reign came on. I played it on repeat for about 6 times. I NEEDED the words. That's what I'm leaving you with tonight.

Forever Reign

Hillsong

You are good, you are good

When there's nothing good in me

You are love, you are love

 On display for all to see

You are light, You are light 

When the darkness closes in

You are hope, You are hope

You have covered all my sin

You are peace, you are peace

When my fear is crippling

You are true, You are true

Even in my wandering

You are joy, you are joy

You're the reason that I sing

You are life, You are life

In you death has lots its sting

Oh I'm running to Your arms

I'm running to Your arms

The riches of Your love

Will always be enough

Nothing compares to Your embrace

Light of the world forever reign

You are more, You are more 

Than my words will ever say

You are Lord, You are Lord

All creation will proclaim 

You are here, You are here

In Your presence I'm made whole

You are God, You are God 

Of all else I'm letting go

The Big Day ...

I want to ask for a couple things today.

First, peace.

Regardless of what happens today, regardless of what news we get I want my mom to feel peace. She is a nervous wreck. We've had some of the worst days in a long time these past few days. I think part of it is because she is so worried about this trip tomorrow. She is back to her irrational fear that the doctor is going to tell her that she is perfectly fine and making it all up in her head. No matter how much we try to convince her that is just NOT possible...well you know.  I just want the perfect peace to envelope her and come completely over her.

Calm.

I want calmness for my dad. He doesn't admit feelings very often, but he is nervous. We all are. We don't want to get our hopes up, but that's nearly impossible, so all we can do is just hold on to the hope that we know regardless of what we find out tomorrow, God will not be surprised.

That's the theme that is running through my head tonight. No matter what happens none of this catches God off guard. Good or bad, he's going to hold us in his hand and we are going to get through it. He is sovereign and is in control. I can hold on to that.

Pray for answers. Regardless of what they are  - just pray that this doctor, Dr. Wu, will have something to offer us. Something beyond more tests. Something beyond wait and see. I'm not asking for it to be a cure (there's that hope thing again) but I'm just hoping that we have some answers. Something tangible to hold onto, no matter how ugly it may be.

I'm clinging to the perfect love tonight, the perfect love that casts out fears. The perfect love that hides me in the shelter of his wings. Come what may I'm going to keep my trust in him.

On a personal note, some doors have opened and are possibly orchestrating a very timely and perfect opportunity for me. I can't go into more detail yet, but I need my praying peeps to pray that God will clear a path and make all the things possible that need to happen for this to work.

You guys keep me going. You have no clue how much I love you and how thankful I am for you.

Circumstances Don't Define Me

Well here's one thing I love about this ... when I make a decision or commitment to do better, God usually meets me right there.

Not long after I wrote this morning this dinged in my email. I just found this blogger and so far I am in LOVE. She's great! Hannah Help Me!  Check out her post, "You Make You!"

Here is what I feel like God is saying to me...

YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES DO NOT DEFINE YOU. Circumstances don't change who you are. 

Hannah goes on to say, "If you're angry when the kids are little, you'll be angry when the kids are big. If you're content, you'll be content no matter how much you have. If you're joyful, you'll be that way whether things are going in your favor or not."

This is good stuff. All that is going on in my life cannot be an excuse for me to do bad. I have fallen off the wagon on my diet and exercise. I mean like fallen off, hit the ground, the wheels are currently rolling over me fallen off. I've let my circumstances and more particularly the way I FEEL about those circumstances start to define me.

Here is what I know about myself:

I'm emotional ... sometimes, maybe a little too emotional.

I'm stressed ... most of the time a little too stressed.

I have not been in the word and redirecting my focus off of my circumstances and onto my Creator.

But God is bigger than my circumstances. He is bigger than my stress. He is bigger than my emotions!

I cannot control this situation. I cannot control how people are reacting to the situation. What I can control is how I respond and how I react. I can let my stress and my emotions push me to the point of exhaustion. Or I can lean into the One who I know has this ... and let him steady me.

I remember reading a Jesus Calling a while back that talked about living in the confines of today. That's what I want to start trying to do. Tomorrow has enough worries of its own and yesterday is already gone - I want to focus on the here and now. I want to be present. When I lay my head down at night I want to know I loved well and I lived in the moment.

What do you do to practice living in the moment?

I Know I'm Not Alone

I'm sure some of you have noticed, I've been a little quiet lately. My last post was a week ago today. I've been juggling super sick baby, moving into my parents house, and work, school and all the other things that go on in our daily life!

I've also been doing some soul searching. My family doesn't love that I blog about this journey. They worry that I share too much and that I put it all out there. I've even had people talk to me about being too honest. I have promised myself I would never sugar coat, so while I've been thinking and processing I've taken some time off.

The truth is I love to write, but they are probably right, I share too much. I bare it all most days and that doesn't really protect the people that I love. I know that there are many of you who read this blog for updates on my mom. I will do my best to still provide those to you, but I don't know that I will write as much about the day to day struggles. I would never want to knowingly add stress or hurt to any of my family. I also think I'll be taking down the post to facebook. If you want to follow it and I hope you do there is an email link on the site. This will put my posts right in your mail box. :)

For the past week I've considered giving blogging up. The reality is most people only read my blog now for news on my mom. That's easier than calling and to be honest easier for me than having to stop and explain things to everyone I meet in Wal-mart. But I NEED this outlet. I just have to be more careful and more creative in how I present it. At least that's where I'm at for now. There is still a lot to write about.

And the truth is as much as I love the people who read my blog and comment, I usually don't write it for you. I write it for me (that is why I would not a good money making blogger make. Step 1 is figure out the content your readers desire and write for them)! I write it to help me deal, to help me survive.

I'm just not ready to give up on that yet.

We are officially all moved back in with my parents and after an entire week out of daycare, the boy went back this morning. I'm still checking my phone every few minutes for the text saying I have to come get him, but he was acting like he felt much better! It was a whirlwind of a weekend. We got the boy's room completely set up because since I was moving him AGAIN, I wanted him to have his familiar stuff. We also got our room set up and a new fridge put in the laundry room. Who knew we had that much stuff that we used day in and day out! We will be boxing up the rest of our belongings and our furniture to put in a storage unit. Hopefully we will be able to have an awesome garage sale soon!

I can already tell it's going to be good to be out there with my parents. It will definitely have its challenges, but just having her be able to spend so much time with the boy makes it worth it for me. Hopefully we will settle into a routine soon.

We go back to the specialist on Wednesday. We'd all be lying to you if we told you we weren't a little anxious. None of us really have a clue what to expect. You hope for the best I guess ... whatever that is at this point.

Here's the  deal, since I'm all about the honesty right? My quiet times have been non existent. I know, I know, I can't believe I'm admitting it either. I'm exhausted and stressed and so busy most days I don't make time for the only One who can hold it all together. I used to be a very early riser. I would get up, grab a cup of coffee and spend time in the word. Then I had a baby, my mornings got a lot more interesting. Then I joined a gym and decided going during the early morning would be easiest (although if we are honest the gym mornings happened for like a week). The truth is I just haven't made time for what should be the most important thing in my life.

I struggle with the guilt of this daily. I know I am in a relationship with my Savior. That is never of any doubt to me. But I struggle with the guilt of not spending the time with Him I know I should. I know I'm not alone. I know a lot of us struggle with knowing we need to be making more time for Him, but struggling to find the time to just make it through the day period. I love Jesus a lot but it's hard for me to even think about getting up at 4:30 am. Seriously...

But I have to do better. Spending time in the Word makes me a better mom, it makes me a better wife, it makes me a better daughter, I'm pretty sure it makes me a better person.

I want to be the mom that has it all together. I have Pinterest pages galore with crafty ideas, DIY projects and recipes that would impress my family's socks off. But most days, I'm lucky to crawl out of bed, brush my hair (today I'm pretty sure there's baby snot in my hair and on my shirt), brush my teeth, pack a lunch, eat breakfast, get the boy up, dressed, ready and out the door. Most nights when I turn off his light, I am so ready to go to sleep I can't think about working out, prepping meals for the next day, or anything other than crawling myself right back into that big, fluffy bed. I have these dreams in my head of what I could be accomplishing, but 9 times out of 10 ... they are just that...dreams!

This is not what I envisioned motherhood would be.

But I want to do better. I've got to believe (maybe because it's all I've got to hold on to at this point) that if I got my priorities straightened out things might move a little more smoothly. Honestly, I had great intentions of getting up early this morning, but after a night where the boy coughed himself awake about 6 times, I reset that blasted alarm before it even had the chance to go off. You know what that resulted in, me running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get us out the door. Oh and me getting to work 10 minutes late! (Mad props to single moms! Seriously ... I am in awe of you. You have my utmost respect and admiration.) This is how I imagine I left the house this morning...

I want more than this. I want order instead of chaos. Yes, I give myself some grace. This season of our life lends itself to chaos. But I want more. I may not be the Pinterest mom of the year. I may be buying our halloween candy for daycare. The boy may be eating a lot of mac and cheese and peanut butter and jelly, but I want to try for more.

I want to be content in this season. I want to be at ease. I don't want to be striving day in and day out reaching for this unattainable goal. I want to feel the freedom of letting it go and just being.

At the end of the day I love my son, more than life. I love my husband. I love my parents. I love them so much that I want to be the best me that I can possibly be for them.

I want to give them more than just getting by. I want to give them peace and calm. I want to give them Jesus. And I guess that means I need to get my butt up out of bed so that I can spend some time having him fill me up, so that I have something to pour out on those that I love.

Ready to Call It Quits ...

I cannot even today you guys. I am so beyond done. I'm seriously ready to just throw in my chips and call it done. I know I can't, but just keeping it real tonight y'all.

Instead of writing an entire blog whining about how rough today has been, instead of telling you all about the lack of sleep, the sick kid, the dryer on fire, the really bad day my mom is having ... instead of elaborating on all of those wonderful details, I'm just going to tell you this: on my own I do NOT have what it takes to handle this. I just don't.

There are not enough hours in the day. There is not enough of me to go around.

It is so incredibly easy, especially on days like to day, to feel so far below enough.  It so easy for me to just let the darkness envelope me and give in to the thoughts that I cannot do this. I am not enough. I am just done.

So incredibly easy.

But not what is required of me. Right now I think all God is asking is that I put one foot in front of the other each day. I may feel all alone ... but I just have to keep taking the next step. I may feel like I'm drowning, but I just have to put one foot, then the next.

I want to be angry. There are so many people who could be helping...who should care way more than they seem to, but at the end of the day I just don't think they get it. I don't think they understand what we are dealing with at all. It's easier to just be oblivious ... shoot, I envy you. I wish I didn't have to accept how bad things are. I wish I didn't have to deal with it every. single. day.

Right now I'm watching this bird outside the window. He seems to be concerned with one thing and one thing only...himself. He is pecking around looking for food, picking up things to take back to his nest. What you can't see is that he is carrying a load, not for himself, but for someone else. He is taking the food back to his nest which is just a few steps away and inside that nest is another bird. I can't get close enough to tell you what's wrong with that bird, but watching them I am struck by something ... He is carrying a load for someone else.

It's hard. It would probably be easier to just grab enough for himself and take off. But he doesn't. He continues to peck around, grab some stuff and go back to her time and time again.

That's how I feel. Some days it all seems a little pointless, but you keep pecking around and going back time and time again.

Well, this has been incredibly depressing :) So I'll leave you with this gorgeous picture my hubs got while we were driving through I think California, could have been Arizona, or New Mexico ... who knows it all started running together!

This is what I just keep reminding myself over and over...

Hope: The Worst of All Evils

I told myself not to get my hopes up, but it's hard. You think maybe, somewhere in the back of your mind...could it be fixable? Could she get better?

But Friedrich Nietzsche had it right when he said, "In reality, hope is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs man's torments."

That small smidgen of hope has already done damage to me. It has made me dream dreams that are most likely unattainable. It has made me wish for things that will most likely never come to fruition.

It has made me hope.

At the end of the day sometimes hope is all we have.  Sometimes even when we know the cold hard truth of our reality we have to cling to something and hope is all we have.

It's moments like this week that remind me how much we've lost. When that doctor called on Wednesday, I wanted nothing more than to call my mom and freak out about what was happening. But I couldn't. Sometimes it hurts when I stop and think about just how much has changed.

Even when hope is stripped away from us, even we are reminded how dim our situation seems, I will still choose to hope. I will cling to the truth that God has not forgotten us. He has not given up. He can still perform miracles. I believe in those things with all of my heart ... because somedays it's all I have.

Come As You Are

Well, I barely slept last night and I ate ALL the ice cream ...

...but today everything was good. The doctor is still a little concerned about a couple things, but we are just going to keep an eye on those for a few weeks and then come back and repeat the test then. So it was good.

I cannot say thank you enough for the texts, calls and  messages I got. You guys are amazing. I am so very grateful to have you fighting in our corner.

I found myself thinking a lot today about the goodness of God. Even when it's hard, even when things don't go my way ... do I really still believe he is good?

If the test today had been high and I found myself facing putting needles in my 15 month old on a daily basis, would he still be good?

If the MRI is fine, and we are still dealing with a rapid dementia, is he still good?

He is. I know he is. I have to believe he is.

So tonight I'm grateful for his love. I'm grateful for his mercy. I'm grateful for his goodness. I'm grateful that I can come to him with all my fears, my crazy, neurotic self and he offers rescue and mercy for my broken heart.

This has been on repeat in my head all day, so I wanted to share.

Come As You Are 

Crowder 

Come out of sadness from wherever you've been 

Come broken hearted let rescue begin

Come find your mercy

On sinner, come kneel 

Earth has no sorrow 

That Heaven can't heal

So, lay down your burdens

Lay down your shame

All who are broken

Lift up your face 

Oh wanderer, come home

You're not too far

So lay down your hurt 

Lay down your heart

 Come as you are

There's hope for the hopeless

And all those who've strayed

Come sit at the table

Come taste the grace

There's rest for the weary

Rest that endures

Earth has no sorrow 

That heaven can't cure 

Come as you are

Fall in His arms

Come as you are

There's joy for the morning

Oh sinner, be still 

Earth has no sorrow 

That heaven can't heal

More Than This Mom Has to Give

I am trying. I really am. But God is asking more of me than I have to give.

Today has been one for the books. As I go to bed tonight, my one hope is that some new fears are unfounded and just my neurotic, worrisome psyche all worked up over nothing.

The neurologist's office called today. Our original plan was that we would do the MRI, if everything looked good, we would do a spinal tap, then we'd come back to see him. The nurse called today and said that Dr. Wu saw the test results today and would like to see us. However, he is at a conference overseas until Sept. 30. He will be back in the office on October 1st and ask that we be there. Of course we know it was the nurse and she can't tell me anything, and the probability is she hasn't even seen the test, but I got what I could out of her. Basically, we are looking at three possibilities (most likely) it could be a mass, a blockage, or he could have seen shrinkage in her brain. As I sit here tonight I'd be lying to you if I wasn't praying for one of the first two. I know, I know, I am underestimating how awful it would be, and I probably am. But on some level having something to fight, rather than this invisible disease would be encouraging. Right now we live in the world of it will only get worse, to have even the remote possibility that something could be fixed, well I don't even have words. I just keep telling myself it couldn't be worse could it ... but then again...

I know I can't get my hopes up. I know I can't really even allow myself to think what if, But it's so hard ... Right now we are in a place where she doesn't even know what day or year it is. Yes, that's how fast it is progressing. And yes, when you see her you can comment on how good she looks, but you have no idea. This is a silent disease. There are no visible symptoms you can see, it doesn't mean her brain is not slowly dying away. But what if it's not this disease ... again I can't go there.

I'm trying hard not to be hopeful. I'm trying to just take it as it comes. We've already handled this diagnosis, surely we can handle anything else.

That was my morning. So I determined that I was not going to get worked up, not going to worry, not going to think about all the what ifs ...

Then my phone rang again. This time a different doctor (I can't tell you how much I'm beginning to despise them) with a different patient. After lots of questions about things I didn't even realize could be problems...we have a test scheduled for tomorrow. I'm not ready to talk about it yet. What I will tell you is it has left me really frustrated with God. I've had several people remind me today that he won't give me more than I can handle, but I call BS. This is already much more than I can handle, especially on my own. So much more ... and now to think of what tomorrow's results might hold almost sends me right over the edge. But I do know one thing ... He is big enough for all of these feelings. He is big enough for me to tell him if this is His plan, I am really not okay with that. He is big enough for me to tell Him that if we get tough results tomorrow I'm done. (He's big enough and good enough to know I won't be....but I might need to tell him that anyways!)

Here's the thing about life ... sometimes it sucks and just when you think you might be seeing a silver lining ... it sucks even more. No that's not the nicest thing to say, but it's honest. But someone reminded me tonight that sometimes all we can muster up is ok... and that's ok.

Of course God is going to give me more than I can handle. Not to punish me, not to strengthen me, and not even to help me grow ... some of those might happen, but I'm not sure any of those are the goal. I think the goal is to pull me closer to Him. I think the goal is that when crummy things happen, He is pulling me as tight to Him as He can, giving me ALL of himself even when I have NONE of me to give. I think his goal is to show me how much He loves me and how much He desires to walk through anything with me.

So tonight even though I'm scared and even though I feel so overwhelmed, I'm going to grab His hand. I'm going to trust him. And when tomorrow comes if I get good news I'm still going to trust, but if it's hard I'm going to squeeze his hand a little harder and trust Him anyways. Because ultimately He is good. He loves me. I do know that without question.

If you want to help, the appointment is tomorrow at 2:15. Just say a little prayer. Pray for good results, but also pray that if it's not what we want to hear that we will continue to trust. Love you all.

A Letter to My Friend

I want you to know something... on the nights when it is hard, on the nights when you feel all alone, on the nights when you feel forgotten - God hasn't forgotten.

On the days when no one gets it, on the days when you want to scream, on the days when you just want to give up - God hasn't forgotten.

In the midst of all of this ugliness - there is still good. His name is Jesus.

Even when it's hard to feel His presence, even when He doesn't seem near at all, you can hold on to the hope, to the truth that He is here. He has not left us, He has not abandoned us. He will not forsake us. He has not forgotten.

Even when the days drag on and you find yourself thinking the impossible - He has not forgotten.

Even when you are so mad at Him you can't form a single word - He has not forgotten.

Even when you can't find the strength to take another step - He has not forgotten.

"But now listen, you, whom I have chosen. This is what the Lord says - he who made you, who formed you in the womb, and who WILL help you: Do not be afraid, you, whom I have chosen, For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the  dry ground...

...This is what the Lord says- Israel's King and Redeemer, the Lord Almighty: I am the first and I am the last; apart from me there is no God. Who then is like me?...

...Do not tremble, do not be afraid...

Is there any God besides me? No, there is no other Rock; I know not one...

...Remember these things, I have made you, you are my servant, I will not forget you."

Isaiah 44 (lots of liberties taken)

I know it feels like we are in this alone, but He has not forgotten us. He has not abandoned us. He has not abandoned the ones we love either. 

We cannot be consumed by our anger or by our hate. 

"Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail"

Lamentations 3:22

"Find fulfillment through living close to Me, yielding to My purposes for you. Though I may lead you along paths that feel alien to you, trust that I know what I am doing. If you follow Me wholeheartedly, you will discover facets of yourself that were previously hidden. I know you intimately - far better than you know yourself. In union with Me, you are complete. In closeness to Me, you are transformed more and more into the one I designed you to be."

(Jesus Calling - September 16) 

We have to draw close to Him. He will guide us, he will give us what we need for each day, even when it seems impossible. 

This is not your fault. You are not being punished. You did not do anything to deserve this. You are a fantastic and strong woman. For whatever reason, God knew you and you alone could handle this burden. 

For now, the future seems bleak. It's hard to look at things and not have that overwhelming feeling that things are only going to get worse from here. The truth is ugly. They will get worse. But we are not alone. We can have hope. He is our hope. Even on our darkest days, His light will still shine bright. 

I love you. We will fight together. 

Led By Love

Yesterday's post generated a lot of love. I'm so grateful for that. I'm so grateful for you who love on and encourage me. Seriously your words are my fuel. I'm appreciative for every single like and comment. They move my heart. I just wanted you to know.

I'm scared. I try not to be. I try to put on my brave face and pretend that regardless of what happens I know God has this. I know He is in control and that come what may I'm going to put my trust in him. But I am scared.

I absolutely hate this disease. As horrible as it is to admit sometimes I wish it was something like cancer, so at least we could fight it, at least we'd have a chance. This disease is so silent. No one talks about. Probably because no one really understands it. But I hate it nonetheless.

'I hate dreaming about the future. I hate wondering what it will be like. I hate watching the slow slide into the pit of despair. I hate knowing there is no cure. I hate that this is our new normal. I just hate it.

I hate that I'm scared. I want to be strong enough. I want to not find myself wondering, as the days go by and things seem to be so much worse so quickly, how much longer we have.

I want the boy to know his Nana. I want them to have a long lasting relationship, but the horrible truth is that probably won't happen. His memories of her, the real her, the good her, the not confused and paranoid and sometimes mean her, those will come from pictures and stories and that breaks my heart more than I could have ever imagined.

When my heart hits this place I have to stop my mind. It wants to run like a runaway train racing down the track but I have to stop it before I plow into the wall. I have to remind myself that God is not the author of fear. God casts out fear. His perfect love casts it out. I have to rely on that love. I have to lean into it and I have to let it lead me.

Psalm 10:17 reminds me that God hears my cry. He hears my fear and then he tells me to follow hard after him.

To lean into him.

And today that's just where I want to be.

Mommy Meltdown

You guys I try really hard to keep it all together. I try to have my meltdowns in the privacy of my home, usually hiding on the bathroom floor hoping the hubs doesn't hear the sobs. I try. I really do. But the past two Sundays I've had the ugly cry happening ... at church of all places. I mean seriously?!? Can't I at least pretend to have it together in front of all the church people??

I don't write a whole lot about the mommy side to things. There seems to be so much going on with my mom that the mommy side gets pushed to the back burner. Just saying that, I feel all kinds of perfect mommy eyes judging me, but I'm trying to keep it real.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a mom. I didn't realize just how much into little man came into my life. He is a mess in all the right ways and I would not trade a single year of the pain that it took to finally hold him in my arms for one minute.

I struggle like most new moms (or at least I tell myself this is how other first time moms feel) feeling like I'm a failure most days. When I serve yet another grilled cheese after a long day, when I sit down at a nice restaurant only to have my son throwing every ever loving piece of food across the room, when we walk through the aisles of the grocery store and he is the one screaming at the top of his lungs. I have found so many new ways to feel like I'm not adding up then I ever even knew were possible.

But lately I've reached a new one ... the boy hates church. I mean screams at the top of his lungs hates it. It's our fault. I know that. Last year we took some time to work through our hurt and while I still believe that was the best decision for us, it meant the boy didn't develop a pattern of being in the nursery every single Sunday. Now that the hubs and I are teaching Sunday School again we are back in the swing of things every week.  The past two weeks have been completely agonizing. And seriously he has the best class of Sunday School teachers ever. Two of the sweetest, most gentle and kind women I know. Yet he screams.

It will get better they say. He will get used to it they say. It's good for him they say.

Today after handing him over while he was screaming and clawing at my neck, I went upstairs to our Sunday School room and lost it. I bawled. And you guys I am not a pretty cryer. It's not even a little cute. I heard myself telling Chris that we were horrible parents. What kind of mother leaves her child screaming like that? What business do I have teaching in a Sunday School while my child is a few floors below screaming his head off? That was it, I was done. I got up and walked myself right back down to his Sunday School room, only to find him sitting quietly in his teachers lap looking at a book. I went back after Sunday School and there he was running around and playing.

He in no way did perfect today. There were lots of tears, probably lots of frustration on his teachers behalf, but this Sunday I almost made it all the way through the church service before I had to go get him. So I left church today not feeling so broken and feeling even a little bit hopeful.

Being a mom is hard. Really hard. Like harder than I really ever thought it could be. But you know what? We put so much pressure on ourselves. So much pressure worrying about what other people think. Sometimes I wonder if I was half as worried about what Jesus thought as I was what people thought if I would be doing things different?

Here's what I learned this morning. I'm not perfect. My boy is not perfect (although some days he's close, his babysitter is crying at this moment she is laughing so hard, I promise you that!) But that's okay. I don't have to be perfect. I've been reading Hosea. Which is funny because we've been talking about Justice, Mercy, Compassion and today Deliverance with our Seniors. All themes I see in the story of Hosea. But this morning as I sat there worrying about what a horrible mother I was I was reminded that ultimately my kid doesn't need me. He needs this Jesus. And at the end of the day whether I am a complete failure as a mother, a wife, a daughter or all of the above, Jesus is the source that I should be comparing myself to. I have to lay down my fears, lay down my tendency to compare and lay down my need to judge myself oh so harshly. I have to trust that Jesus picked me to be the mom of my boy and he will not abandon me. He will walk with me and guide me every step of the way. I'm so grateful I don't have to do it alone. I'm also really grateful that I don't have to be perfect. It also makes me really want to offer a little grace to the mommy that I see struggling tomorrow. We get it sister! We've all been there and as they say it will get better. :)