It is Well

It's been a few days since I posted. I'm hoping to be able to post more regularly over the summer, but we shall see. I had this vision in my head of relaxing, summer days but umm so far not so much!

We turned in mom's retirement letter yesterday. Can I just say it was hard. That job has been her life for the past 21 years. I wish her retirement was under different circumstances. Ha! I wish all of this was different circumstances, but again it is what it is! I just wish she was able to retire on her own terms. I have struggled immensely with whether or not we are making the right decision, but at the end of the day I just have to stand on what we have, regardless of whether I like it or not.

I've had a few conversations lately that have had me thinking about bitterness again. I know that when we first moved home I went through a time of deep bitterness. I still struggle with the anger of how we were treated and how it was all handled from time to time, but I've really tried to allow myself to work through the anger. I've come to realize that people are people. I've placed some unrealistic expectations on some people and for others I think maybe they just weren't the type of person they could have been. If that makes sense? Regardless, this whole situation with mom has the potential to make me really angry and really bitter.

I have an aunt (she reads this so I imagine she just got nervous as to what I'll say next!) :). Anyhow she is amazing. Her heart is amazing. Her courage is amazing. She is so good for me. She keeps me grounded. She gives the best hugs when I need them and sometimes she just lets me be angry. She keeps reminding me that God is big enough to handle my emotions.

I have to keep my guard up to keep that bitterness away, but I also have to embrace the anger. I'm allowed to be angry. This is a crappy situation. There are a lot of crappy situations going on right now all around me. Just this morning I woke up to news that some sweet kids lost their father last night. There's nothing fair about that. There is nothing fair about life. I'm learning that more and more. But God is big enough to handle our emotions. He is certainly big enough to handle our anger, our frustration, our hurts. All of it.

God speaks to my heart through music most often. He places sweet people in my life to send me links and lyrics almost daily. Don't stop that ... I need it. God uses it so much more than you may even know. A few days ago I got an email from Jonathan. This is literally the email:

Watch. Listen. Be still.

 It has taken me this long to even open the email. I know when he sends a link I'm usually going to cry. He understands my heart for music and lyrics. But I opened it this morning and just sat and cried. I needed to be reminded of so many things this morning. I know I post lyrics a lot and it is probably easy to just glance over them. Will you do me a favor today and just read this. Listen to the video and read along. These are some good lyrics. They met me right where I needed to be met today and I really wanted to share!!

It Is Well

Grander earth has quaked before

Moved by the sound of His voice

Seas that are shaken and stirred

Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Through it all, through it all 

My eyes are on You 

Through it all, through it all

It is well

Through it all, through it all 

My eyes are on You and it is well 

Far be it from me to not believe 

Even when my eyes can't see 

And this mountain that's in front of me

Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all 

My eyes are on You 

Through it all, through it all

It is well

Through it all, through it all 

My eyes are on You and it is well 

So let go my soul and trust in Him

The waves and the wind still know his name 

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul 

It is well, it is well 

With my soul 

Chaos

There seems to be a lot of chaos in my life these days. I'm a person who likes order (although I think my husband would argue that sometimes if you looked at my housekeeping skills)!! I like plans and lists and order. The very definition of chaos is a state of complete disorder and confusion. No wonder my life feels out of balance.

But I think there is another reason.

:Lately I've been trying to do everything, to be everything, to fix everything on my own. And I just can't. There is a song that I used to listen to on repeat in my younger years. I would roll down my windows, open my sun roof and blast this song singing at the top of my lungs.

Jesus be the center 

Be my source be my light, Jesus 

Jesus be the center 

Be my hope

Be my song, Jesus 

Be the fire in my heart 

Be the wind in my sails

Be the reason that I live 

Jesus, Jesus 

Jesus be my vision 

Be my help

Be my guide, Jesus

 - Jami Smith - 

My younger self grasped something that my older self tends to forget. I can't do anything without Him. On my own, I'm ugly, I'm selfish, I'm mean, I'm whiny, I'm arrogant, I'm judgmental... without Jesus my center gets off and I start to act a whole lot more like me than I do like Him.

So I have to stop. I have to refocus. I have to remember that He is the center. Everything revolves around Him. Whatever His reasons this season of my life, these circumstances we face, they have a purpose. The closer I get to Him the more I'll be okay with that. I've got to come to a place where regardless of how I feel, I continue to TRUST. I trust His heart, I trust His name.

There is A LOT going on around me. I'm reminded now that we are all human. There is no one who is perfect. But aren't you glad for grace. I need it to swallow me whole because on my own ... I just need it. Big Time!!

I want to leave you with this today. I love Jesus Calling. This was posted to the author's Facebook page and popped up on my feed. I needed to see it today. It may find it's way onto a note card on my bathroom mirror!

"I share both your good times and your struggles. I embrace you in My everlasting arms, helping you extract good from adversity. I devise creative ways to reveal Myself to you, and I rejoice when you are attentive. While using My future knowledge to prepare you for what is ahead, I train you to enjoy My Presence in the present. When you are struggling deeply, I offer you My Peace."

I need His peace. I need His presence. I need Him to be my center.

My Hope

I've been quiet on the blog front the past few days. I guess I'm just processing. I go back and forth about how much I should write on this blog. This is our life and I wonder how much I should share.

My mom is amazing. She is handling this better than any of us. She keeps telling me that God chose her for this. There is a part of my heart that gets angry when I hear that. But there is also a part that while I don't understand His plan I am trying my best to trust his heart.

I posted this video the other day but I'm posting it again and the lyrics. I'm holding on to it with all I have right now.

My Hope

Paul Baloche

Nothing will change

If all the plans I make are wrong, Your love stays the same

Your light will guide me through it all, I"m hanging on 

I'm leaning in, to You

Nothing can reach

The end of all your faithfulness

Your grace is with me 

Through every shadow, every test 

I'm hanging on

I'm leaning in, to You

I don't know where you'll take me

But I know you're always good

My hope is built on nothing less

Than your great love, Your righteousness

I will not walk another way

I trust your heart, I trust Your name

I'm holdin on 

I'm holdin on, to You 

You are my rock

When storms are raging all around

You shelter me, God

I'm safe with you on solid ground 

I'm hanging on

I'm leaning in, to You

I don't know where You'll take me

But I know You're always good

My hope is built on nothing less

Than your great love, Your righteousness

I will not walk another way

I trust your heart, I trust Your name

I'm holdin on 

I'm holdin on, to You 

It Is What It Is

She is my hero. She faces each situation with more grace and courage than I can muster in my little finger. Even when she’s scared, even when things don’t make sense, she finds a way to laugh. She is my hero. She is my mother.

We got way more answers than we anticipated yesterday. I know that in my heart I already knew what the doctor was going to say but still to watch him look my sweet momma in the eye and say the words was … painful. It broke my heart. It was tough. But I had promised myself I would be strong yesterday.

We know we are dealing with dementia. The way he explained was that dementia is like an umbrella. It encompasses lots of different types. So now we just have to figure out which type she has. There are so many: Early Onset Alzheimer’s, Vascular, Fronto-temporal, Lewy Bodies, Post Cortical … We have to determine which one we have and then we will make a plan for where to go next.

I cannot even begin to understand or imagine any of this. My mom has always been one of the brightest people I know. She knew how to do everything. I don’t just say that cause she was my mom. She could fix any computer problem and she almost single-handedly ran our school district. To watch her losing those capabilities is so hard. But I can’t even begin to imagine what she must be feeling. I would give just about anything to change things.

But it is what it is.

That is our mantra right now. It is what it is, whether we like it or not.

We made a decision yesterday that we are going to enjoy every minute we can. We are going to make lots of memories and we are going to cherish the good days, come what may.

One of my favorite moments from yesterday was seeing how my mom has such an amazing sense of humor. We were parked at a stop light next to a gentleman with a sign that said will work for food. Mom asked me to roll the window down. I told her no! She was very adamant. I said what do you want to say. She looked at me, smiled and said, I want to tell him he just thinks he has problems. I love that woman with every fiber of my being.

Keep praying with us. We would love to see the doctors tell us it is a slow progressing dementia. Honestly, we would love a cure and we are going to pray like hell for one at this point.

I’m going to leave you with what I am holding onto today. It’s good stuff. I’m going to be clinging to things like this a lot. 

Today is the Day

Well if you've been following my blog for any length of time you've read about my sweet momma. We are going through a season that I wish we weren't. We all wish we weren't. But we are. So we are learning to deal.

We have been waiting for this test for about 2 months now. This is THE test. It's the one that gives us a life or death diagnosis. Can you imagine how my mom must feel this morning? She is handling this situation with more courage than just about anyone I know, but today is tough.

The test will be about six hours. Six hours spent doing all the things that she struggles with and frustrate her. I just wish I could take it for her. She's been dreading it for weeks. Even though this isn't a pass or fail test, in her mind this tests holds the answers to everything. The weight of the world is on her sweet shoulders this morning.

To add insult to injury, she was in a rough car wreck on Saturday afternoon. She is fine and it WAS NOT her fault which was a huge relief. A young girl ran a stop light  going about 45 and plowed into mom's car. Her car is totaled and her body is sore and bruised. She has a burn from the air bag and she was completely rocked. It scared her to death. It scared us all to death. But it could have been so much worse, so we are so grateful she is okay. It's in moments like that, when you get the phone call and are rushing to the scene of an accident that you have no idea what you will see, that you realize it doesn't matter if she reaches a point where she has no clue who I am, I will be beside her forever.

So today I'm asking you to pray. Pray for peace. Pray for strength. Pray for calm. Pray for my dad. While he is not a man that shows his emotions, this is a terrifying experience for him. Today is tough for all of us. Pray for my family. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe in miracles. But I also believe in a God who may not answer the way I wish he would, but he will give the strength for us to be overcomers in any situation.

For today we just pray. We won't have answers for a while ... but pray anyways. And thanks for praying. You have no idea what it means to have warriors fighting in our corner!

It's Not Enough (A Rant on Education)

She stood in my room surrounded by people but I could tell she wanted to talk. She kept her head down and didn’t look anyone in the eye. I asked how her job was and she just shook her head, eyes down. Once the excitement of her return wore off, I said let’s walk. We took off down the hall on a familiar path worn from the soles of many before.

Before the words came, the tears fell. They dripped silently down her cheeks and we just stopped. I opened my arms and she fell in, folding herself into me like a small child. The tears turned to sobs and I just held her. After a few moments, the tears stopped, she pushed her shoulders back, shook her head as if shaking off something I couldn’t quite see, and picked up her pace.

She told me then of the hurt since she left these halls. She thought getting that piece of paper that said she was a high school graduate would change things for her. Instead she’s found herself sleeping in abandoned houses, on porches, or bouncing from one friend’s couch to the next. She thought “graduating” would open doors; instead she’s lost her job, her family and her faith.

We talked a bit longer; I hugged her again and couldn’t stop myself from wondering if I’d see her again. When she donned these hallways she talked daily of graduation day which just happens to be next week. I wonder if I’ll get to watch her small, courageous self walk across that stage. I wonder where she will sleep tonight, where she’ll find food, will she be okay.

During this week where I see fellow teacher friends posting about the hell that is standardized testing and what the scores mean for us, for students, for schools…I can’t help but think we are missing the point of it all.  Over the weekend our news stories were inundated with the “news” that 16% of Oklahoma’s 3^rd graders failed their state reading tests.  Never mind the fact that we never heard that 64% of those beautiful students scored proficient, because let’s face it that’s not news.

There are new (ridiculous, in my opinion) regulations almost daily it feels like for teachers. At this point we are now being told that starting in the 2014-2015 school year 33% of our evaluations as teachers will be dependent upon our students standardized testing scores. I won’t put my opinions on this for fear of retaliation J but let me just tell you again I think we’ve missed the point.

Yes, students who walk away with a high school diploma have a chance at working a mediocre job for mediocre pay, but do we really expect our students to be concerned about their academic performance on standardized state testing when they don’t even know where they are going to sleep at night.

What kind of skills are we teaching them? What are we giving them that will make them better individuals in their communities? Do they really need to be able to identify that Grendel is the antagonist in the story of Beowulf in order to fully reach their ultimate potential?

My heart is heavy today as I look at my students. I’m teaching them how to identify participle phrases and gerunds, but what about teaching them what to do when they find themselves with no home, no food, no support and have no idea what step to take next. I know some of you think I might be over-exaggerating their circumstances or taking the circumstance of one student and trying to apply it to all. 

Come meet my kids. Spend a day with us. I have kids who are waiting on the results of a pregnancy test and can barely focus on the words in front of them as they think through every terrifying scenario in their mind. I have kids whose parents have said just drop out. You need to be at home helping out plus you’re not smart enough to graduate anyway. I have kids who come here from 8-2 and head to work at 2:30 and don’t get home until well after midnight only to get up and do it again the next day and the next and the next. I have kids whose home situations would make you cringe and lay awake at night realizing how privileged you are.  I have kids who when I ask them to write about their childhoods aren’t even really sure what that means since they clearly didn’t have one.

Yes, our schools need to be a place that educates our students. They need to be able to read. They need to be able to write. They need general education skills, but they need SO much more from us. They need a safe place to grow and develop skills that I’d venture to say most are not getting at home. My kids don’t come where I come from. They don’t have someone teaching them basic work ethic and respect. It could be because the parents themselves just don’t care or it could be because they are working themselves to the bone trying to provide for their families that They. Just. Can’t.

We’ve got to stop blaming the parents and find a way to come alongside them and help them.  We’ve got to do better because their future depends on it.

As I watched her walk to the car of a friend who had given her a ride up here to get her cap and gown I thought about how far she’d come. She was one of the ones who worked from 2:30pm – 2:30 am and then got up at 8am to come to school til 2 to do it all over again. She and I fought like hell through Beowulf, MacBeth, William Blake and Jonathan Swift. She hated writing and grammar and really school, but she did it! She fought hard and worked hard and she’s getting that diploma. But at a time when she should be out celebrating all her hard work her thoughts are consumed with where she’ll sleep tonight.

I don’t have the answers for education. I don’t have the answers for much. But I do know something has to change.  It reminds me of the old adage, “If you think the answer is simple, you clearly don’t understand the problem.”

If you are an educator in Oklahoma you should follow Rob Miller’s Blog http://viewfromtheedge.net/. He speaks the truth like it is and doesn’t really care what others think about that! In a recent post I read this quote, “Children who are loved come to school to learn; those who are not, come to school to be loved.” Oh. My. Goodness. One of the most important things I can give my students is the knowledge that they are loved and valued as human beings. No. Matter. What.

I believe in second chances (and 99^th for that matter) but I also believe in responsibility and consequences. I’m in NO way suggesting a lovey dovey environment where we forego teaching our kids basic responsibility and respectability, just wanted to be clear on that! But I do believe in teaching our students value. I do believe in teaching them that they matter. I do believe in giving them hope not stealing it away from them.

This is a lesson that transfers to so much more than just education too. As a society we have become mean, judgmental and harsh. What happened to valuing one another regardless of our overwhelming differences? I don’t know about you … but I want to show people they matter. They are loved. No. Matter. What.

It Just Keeps Coming Up

Somewhere along the way someone taught us to hide our true feelings. Someone taught us that people don’t need or don’t want to know about our struggles. Someone told us that the good “Christian” response is to plaster a smile on our face, count it all joy and carry on. But somewhere along the way someone lied to us.

A few years ago I was speaking at an event. I went into the event with one singular desire: to be honest. I was sick of the game playing and mask wearing and just wanted to be real. I laid my heart out bare for people to see. It was risky. It made me vulnerable. But I knew it was right. The hubs and I had spent a lot of time in prayer about it and we wanted to make our time count. The next week we got a phone call from someone (we’ll call them a concerned person) that wanted to “mentor” us. They brought up several things I had said and wanted to counsel my husband and me on the sovereignty of God. Their biggest gripe was that I said I thought God’s plan was stupid. They had to wonder if I truly believed in God if I could call his plan stupid. My first reaction was just that to react. How dare they question my belief? But after some time and gentle coaxing from my husband I realized they’ve bought the lie too. I still think they are wrong. I think this particular person has a lot more they should be focused on in their own life versus what they think is wrong with mine, but I digress!

The issue still remains. Why do we think that God isn’t big enough to hear our hearts, our true hearts? Not the water downed, slightly less dirty, cleaned up heart, but our real, broken, filthy, shattered, unpleasant, ugly hearts?

There’s been a lot of flair in the blogosphere over using curse words. I talked about it a few weeks ago. But I could talk about it for hours. There is much to say and much that I believe is not being said. But what I really want someone to hear today is that GOD CAN HANDLE YOUR HONESTY. God is absolutely, not even in the slightest turned off by your realness.

I married a saint. Most of you know that but I’m just giving credit where credit is due. He is a saint. He is patient, kind, gentle and most of all puts up with me. He can handle me. He has seen the shattered, the ugly, the filthy and the unpleasant and he’s still standing. However, he knows me well enough to know that not everyone can handle that side of me. So there will be times, especially when he was in ministry, that I would get “the look” or “the nod” and it usually meant tread carefully. He would never tell me not to speak my heart but he would remind me that not everyone was capable of handling all of me, nor should they be.

But God is.  

I don’t have to pour out EVERYTHING to EVERYONE because I have a God that is big enough to handle it ALL. Now hear this as loudly and clearly as you possibly can, I won’t quit being raw and honest. That is who I am. I believe it is who we should be. Too often we try to pretend we have it all together and we give off this perception that being real shows weakness. I want to show weakness … because it is in my weakness He is strong (as cliché as that sounds). I’m not asking you to stand on the street corner and air your dirty laundry. Not EVERYONE needs to know. I so hope that you have people you can let your guard down with completely and be real, but most of all I hope you get how much Jesus desires that from you.

Just this morning I had a conversation with a teacher friend where she said I mean I do have a joyful heart but I hate these circumstances. She quickly retracted and said oh wait…is that bad to say? I wanted to grab her and scream NO! I can have joy and I can have peace and I can have anger and hurt all at the same time. I may have not been reading my bible regularly lately, but I do know the stories. The Bible is full of people asking why and saying take this from me. (Amanda translation: I DON’T LIKE THIS!) Just look at Psalms.

Jesus does not frown upon your honesty with Him. I think most often it is in my times of honesty, those times that I fall face first on the floor and realize I cannot do this, I AM NOT ENOUGH, that God is like and finally she gets it. If I just go to Him grinning and bearing … I don’t know that’s not the kind of relationship I want with him. I want realness. I want honesty. I want the messy. I want to know that I can be one hundred percent Amanda, unpleasant, ugly and all and HE IS ENOUGH.

Can you just hear that this morning/afternoon/evening? HE IS ENOUGH. All your striving, trying, pretending, performing … you don’t need it. He is enough for you. Whether your world is upside down or turned right side up…HE IS ENOUGH.

Clearly this is a theme in my life right now! But can I just tell you? I believe it friend. I believe with all my heart I am not struggling with this alone. I believe there are MANY of us who struggle to be real because we worry so much about how others might see us. But the truth is … He is ENOUGH. Can you just rest in that today? Can I? 

Grace Defines Me

You know I do a good job of pretending I've got it all together. I mean sure by looking at me you can tell there are a few, umm, "areas" that clearly need work, but for the most part I hold it all together well. I'm balancing a job, a family, depression, weight loss, my mom. There's a lot going on and I do a pretty good job at showing all of you that I've got this. 

But that is SO not true. I try really hard not to show you the break downs. I had a good one yesterday morning on the floor of my little bathroom. I was thinking about my mom and this stupid situation and the next thing I knew I was on the floor crying my eyes out at the unfairness of it all. But for the most part I try to hide the fear, the frustration, the chaos. 

But lately, the frustration has been hard to hide and it makes me so MAD. I am NOT frustrated with my mother. I am frustrated with this stupid situation. However, sometimes in the moment when I have to correct her or help her I know it must seem like I am frustrated with her. I want to blame it on exhaustion or being overwhelmed, but the truth is I know what the root of the problem is. I haven't been getting my fix. 

The last time I spent time in the word ... like truly spent time in the word, well I can't even really remember it. I've been going to church, taking my notes, doing every thing the good little Christian girl does. But drawing close to God ... nope. No, thank you. Yes, I'm mad at him. Maybe I'm in the anger phase right now about all of this, and I'm sure this too shall pass, but dang it, I don't like this. I want my mom back. I want this whole situation to be over. I don't want to have to show that I'm strong. I don't want to set an example for others in how I handle this. I want to rewind the clock and NONE of this to be happening. 

Even as I type that I know that even though that is what I feel, I do still recognize my great need for Him. I do still long for Him. I miss Him. It's kind of like fighting with my husband. Even when I'm mad at him, he's hurt me or just made me plain angry...after a little while, even though I'm angry, I start to miss him. I start to miss our conversations. I miss the hugs. I miss the presence of him (because y'all when I get upset distance is what I do, ask anyone that knows me well... It's a problem!) 

So now I find myself here... I've put so much distance between myself and God, it's become easy to stay apart. I might still miss Him, but I've grown comfortable avoiding him and putting distance between us. But you know what, I can't fix me. I AM NOT ENOUGH FOR ME. I cannot take away the pain, the sadness, the fears, the hurt. I AM NOT ENOUGH. Trying to be enough has nearly killed me. I don't sleep, I eat WAY too much, I'm short tempered, stressed, frustrated, needy, my house is mess, the laundry piled up, don't even get me started on the mess in my garage, I'm still living out of boxes, and I'm so tired when I get home in the evenings I feel like the worst mother in the world because all I want to do is close my eyes and lay down before I have to get up and do it all again. 

This is where trying to save myself has gotten me. This is where trying to control the situation has gotten me. I'm a jumbling mess of nerves and frustration. I lash out at innocent people (mostly my patient, gentle husband). I avoid, I ignore, I hide. I refuse to get involved. I can't let anybody in to see the mess I've created. 

Now I'm a church brat, born and raised, and so I know how to fix it. I know what I have to do. If only it were really that easy. See I don't buy into the old adage that God won't give you more than you can handle. I absolutely, 100 percent believe that He gives you FAR more than you can handle. For moments such as this, when you have to take a long hard look in the mirror and admit that you CANNOT handle this. You are falling apart. Your life is a mess and you cannot clean it up enough for others not to start to notice. 

I would tell you this is the bottom, but friends I think we have further yet to go. But I don't want to go there alone. I want to stand on the street corner and scream out, "YOU'RE RIGHT! I NEED YOU. I CANNOT DO THIS ALONE. I AM DROWNING. I AM DYING HERE ... I NEED YOU." 

The great news, and for me it's always the great news, I don't have to stand and scream. I can just stop trying. I can start giving it to Him. I can say you win. You get to be in control (it's besides the point that he always was anyways). It's like when I watch the boy fight sleep. We both know he is EXHAUSTED beyond words. He can't even keep his eyes open, but he flails about and cries and screams and beats on my chest and flat out refuses to give in, until finally in that albeit BEAUTIFUL, glorious moment he succumbs and the peaces comes. 

That's what it's like. I've been fighting, hands beating against His chest, screaming, crying, throwing myself from one side to the other and finally I give in. And in that one beautiful, glorioius moment...peace. No, it's not fixed. No, I don't have any more answers than I did yesterday. The dishes are still piled up, we are still tripping over boxes and laundry, the boy still manages to eat dog food on occasion but there is peace. Because I let go. I quit holding on so tight to it that nothing could grow, nothing good could blossom. I just let go. And in that moment ... beauty comes forth. It's not always the beauty I want ... but it is always the beauty I need. 

I come broken to be mended

I come wounded to be healed

I come desperate to be rescued

I come empty to be filled

I come guilty to be pardoned 

By the blood of Christ the Lamb

And I'm welcomed with open arms

Praise God, just as I am

Mother's Day

My first Mother’s Day as a mom. There was something different in the air for me this morning, a realization that all those Mother’s Days that I sat crying and longing have been fulfilled. With that came the stark realization that for many others this morning brings nothing but pain and longing. I vowed to never forget that pain and I don’t. Not a single day goes by that I do not find myself at a place of incredible gratefulness for the life that is my son.

I remember the heaviness and the sadness. I remember the not feeling good enough, not feeling worthy. I remember the tears. I remember the hesitation. I remember it all. Just because I’m a mom, I have not forgotten.

I have a word for those who are feeling the heaviness this morning. Becoming a mother did not change any part of who I already was. I had this idea in my longing that becoming a mother would make me whole. It didn’t. Did it make my life richer? Yes, most definitely! But my worth is not found in that sweet, little boy. It can’t be. My worth is still found in the eyes of my heavenly Father. It always was.  It was hard to see that in the midst of my struggle, so I wanted to share it with you today. You are who you are called to be no matter what situation you find yourself in this morning. It doesn’t take away the longing or the pain, but maybe on some level you can find encouragement in it.

This Mother’s Day is bittersweet for me. While I am relishing in and enjoying the gift I have been given, I’m also reeling with the fact that my own mother is facing one of the most difficult situations. A few weeks ago we were shopping and I mentioned something about her mother’s day gift. She said don’t get me anything. I of course told her that was ridiculous. Then she responded with well at least in a few years or so I won’t even remember if you do or not. We laughed because that’s what we do … but on the inside my heart shattered into a million pieces.

We don’t talk about it much. I don’t talk about it much in terms of what the future might actually be…but it TERRIFIES me. What if this is the last mother’s day she remembers? My hope is that we have many, MANY more good years. But I also can’t deny the facts around me. Our good years could be fast declining. I don’t mean that to sound all Debby Downer on you. I hope beyond all hope that we have 20-30 more amazing years. However, most of what I read tells me that’s an unrealistic hope.

Regardless, this Mother’s Day I am vowing to enjoy her like I never have before. I’m vowing to take in every moment. I’m vowing to pour every ounce of love I have in me on her.

My mother.

She is amazing. She is facing this uncertainty with more grace and more calm than I can even comprehend. She is amazing. She is scared. She only lets me see it every so often, but it’s there. I wish beyond anything I could take the fear, I could take the uncertainty and I could give her hope. I wish I could promise her we’d all wake up from this nightmare. But instead I will resolve to love her with all I have. I will promise her that I will not give up on her or ever.  I will promise to walk alongside her, to hold her hand, to be there for her – the same way she has always been for me.

I don’t know what your circumstance is this Mother’s Day. Maybe you are stuck in the heaviness, maybe you’ve recently lost your mother, maybe you’ve recently lost your child, maybe this is the best Mother’s Day of your life … here’s what I do know: Life is short. For some of us, it’s shorter than we ever imagined. Time is fleeting. Make every moment count. Let go of the past and move forward. Life is too short to waste or to spend focusing on things that don’t matter. Hug the people you love. Tell them how much they mean to you. Make your time count.

As I celebrate my mother this morning and the gift of being a mother, I vow to make each moment count. I vow to be present with my son and with my mother. I vow not to hide when it gets to tough. I promise to hug and to tell them both I love them. For now each day is a gift and I for one plan on enjoying it.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. I love you. 

Learning to Laugh

Here is the thing, EVERYONE we see comments on how well my mom is doing. Let me just say this, most of you that see her see her for a whopping 10 minutes. Of course you don't notice anything out of the ordinary. Of course she seems fine and normal to you. Feel free to spend an entire day with us if you think you are qualified to determine whether or not she is better. I know, I know, it's what people say. They don't mean anything by it, I get that. I really do, I'm just telling you, we see the stuff day in and day out. We see the triggers, the stress, the digression, so don't tell us you think she's better and fine. Spend some time with us ... seriously!

Okay now that I've got that out of the way :)

Lately, I've really been trying to just stop worrying, stop freaking out and just live in the moment.

Things can be hard and overwhelming and we still have no answers. There are so many ifs ... but I'm tried of dwelling on them and I'm trying to just focus on the now. Today. I'm learning to laugh in the midst of the storm.

We have good days and bad days. But we are finding ways to laugh at the bad. It could cause us to hide in bed and never get out, but instead we are choosing to laugh. We are choosing to enjoy each moment.

I have no idea what the future holds. I have no idea what tomorrow will look like. But I know that whether we have 20 more good years or 1 ... I'm not going to miss the moments worrying. I'm going to wake up everyday thankful for the gift of another day. I'm going to find reasons to love and to laugh and to enjoy.

No matter what you are going through you can find a reason to laugh and a reason to love. We don't have to like the season we are in. We don't even have to understand it. But we can choose how we go through it and so starting today I will choose to be aware. I will choose to love. I will choose to enjoy.

How bout you?

Waiting

It's the waiting that is hard. It's in the waiting that the questions come. It's in the waiting that you aren't sure what to do so you try and move on, but that doesn't feel right, so you just stay kind of stuck.

I hate the waiting.

But..

There is power in the waiting. I'm learning that on my own I'm not strong enough. But if I lean into Him, He is more than enough.

I've heard this song a million and one times on the radio, but it wasn't until this afternoon that it brought me to my knees.

While I'm Waiting 

John Waller

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am hopeful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am peaceful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it's not easy no, but faithfully I will wait
Yes, I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint

I want to grow in this time of waiting. I want to fix my eyes on Him and lean into Him and grow. I want to allow His strength to fill me up. So I will worship while I wait. I will believe that He is still a God of miracles. I will fight with all that is in me. But I will worship while I wait. I will not ignore/avoid/or run from Him anymore ... I will turn to Him with my arms open wide and fall into His arms. 

and I will worship.