I am BIGGER than that ...

You know what I love? Friends who listen to the prompting of the Spirit. Because sometimes He uses them to remind me He cares, to remind me He knows.

A sweet friend, whom I miss very much, did just that today. Can I say something about this friend? She is someone that I am SO glad I got to know. My only regret is that I didn't get to know her sooner and even deeper. She challenges me to think deeply, to push past the comfortable. She loves Jesus with all her heart and she strives to be the kind of person that shines His light into the dark places. I need more of that in my life. So much more.

Anyhow, she listened when God nudged and because of that He used her to meet me in the middle of my mess again today. I'm sort of learning to live in the middle of the mess because it seems I just can't get out of it lately.

My heart wants and desires so deeply to grow closer to God, to move forward with Him. Yet most days I feel like it's one step forward, five steps back. But you know what I just keep going because some days that's all I can do.

Some days I feel so overwhelmed that I can barely lift my head. I hate blind spots. I hate not knowing where I'm going. I hate not being in control. Yet, that's exactly where I am. I'm in a blind spot. I have NO idea what the future holds. I have NO control over it. Sometimes I think I do. I bark out orders at my husband about what we need to do in order to fix this, but then I am so quickly reminded that right now in this season it's okay to not know. It's okay to not have a plan. It's okay to not know what comes next ... but I hate that.

I struggle with people who don't plan. I like to know what we are doing and when we are doing it. Even if the plan is to have no plan, we still need a plan. But right now in this season there really is no clear plan. I have NO clue where we are going to be in 3 months, 6 months or a year. We could still be here in the waiting place or we might not be. I really have no clue. And that drives me nuts y'all. I like plans. I thrive on them. I am the girl who makes a to-do list everyday. EVERYDAY. It gives me balance. Without a plan I feel off balance.

I'm trying to learn to be okay in the mess, in the chaos. I used to have a quiet time every single morning. If I didn't get it in, I was a mess. If I missed it I spent most of the day beating myself up for not getting up early enough to spend  time in the word. Then the boy happened. I still get up most mornings at 5am. My plan is to work out and then read, but you know what some mornings that little boy decides 5:15 is a good wake up time for him. What kind of mother would I be if I said, "Well son, see I have a plan for this morning and you waking up early was not part of it, so sit in there alone and cry while I tend to my plan." That'd be crazy. So instead I'm learning to live in the messiness. I'm learning to cherish those early morning snuggles and laughs. I'm learning not to beat myself up but embrace the chaos. But it's so hard ... for me anyways. :) (If someone has this whole thing figured out and there is a formula to follow - let me know!! I'd pay good money for that!)

Ahh the mess. Sometimes it seems so big. Sometimes it seems so daunting. But you know what? Sometimes it's also beautiful, and God promises to make beauty from our ashes, to make beautiful things out of us. He also promises that he has a plan...

Isaiah 45:2-3 

I'll go ahead of you, clearing and paving the road. I'll break down bronze city gates, smash padlocks, kick down barred entrances. I'll lead you to buried treasures, secret caches of valuables - Confirmations that it is, in fact, I God, the God of Israel, who calls you by your name.

He is in control. He's knocking down walls on my behalf; walls that I can't even see yet. He is bigger than my mess. Bigger than me ... and today I needed that reminder.

It happened

So it finally happened. Exhaustion set in. Frustration took over and I found myself setting a crying baby in his crib and sitting down on the floor and crying.

It was 3 am, I'd been up since about 2 with a baby that could not be consoled. I tried EVERYTHING.
NOTHING was working. I felt like I was losing my mind. I had nothing left to give.

I put him in his crib, told him I loved him and sat down on the floor.

EXHAUSTED. DEFEATED. EMPTY.

I sat there crying and telling God I couldn't do it anymore. I had nothing.

In that moment I think I finally got something important I've been missing. That's exactly where God wants me. Empty, with nothing to give. That's when He can turn beauty into ashes. When I'm not in the way anymore.

Too often we get in our head that God needs our help. We get so busy doing we forget to just be.

In this past season of our lives, in an effort to heal, the Hubs and I have been focusing on being less busy doing things. For us, that's when relationship turns into religion. We lost our passion in the mess of being busy. We had great intentions. We were busy with all the right things. But we were so busy we didn't recognize our need anymore. We were doing good things so that had to be filling us up. But it wasn't. God can't fill a cup that's full.

Now hear me, there is a flip side to this. God can't fill a cup that's full. Once he fills us up it is our job to pour out what he is giving us so that he can fill us up again. But that's not what I am getting at here. I think sometimes in an attempt to be righteous and right and all that jazz we fill our own cups. We fill them up with good things, religious things, holy things even ... but they get so full that there is no room left for what we really need.

We find ourselves feeling exhausted and defeated. Finally we come to that place of emptiness and I think maybe God sighs ... finally. Now I can give you what you need.

That's where I was this morning. Empty, with nothing left to give. And in that moment He met me right there. There was no pretending. It was an ugly mess ... but He doesn't care. He died to come into my mess. He died to come into yours. We just have to be there, lift our hands and say I'm here. I have nothing to give you. I'm out ... but I need you. That's when I think he jumps at the chance to shout I'm here, I'm here. I've been here the whole time...you just couldn't see me past yourself. Let me help. I'm here.

"Jesus stood up and cried out, If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, 'Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water." 

John 7:36-38

I could use some living water. 

For those of you wondering. The Hubs heard the crying and came in. He held the boy while I cried and then grabbed onto the strength I felt, pulled myself up, grabbed my boy and rocked him back to sleep. There's a beautiful part 2 to this story too ... but for now he's hungry and needs his breakfast! 

Let me leave you with this reminder though ... 

"That's right. Because I your God, have a firm grip on you and I'm not letting go. I'm telling you, Don't panic. I'm right here to help you."

Isaiah 41:13

Let's drink deep today, shall we? 

You Alone

It's been a week. I'm tired, but I'm hanging in there. But before we head into the weekend I wanted to give you some encouragement that my heart needed to be reminded of today. No matter where we are or what we are doing ... we don't do the saving. We don't do the healing. We don't do anything. It's God. Not me. I needed to be reminded of that today and to allow him to take some of the pressure off. Maybe you do too. Love you.

You Alone Can Rescue 

Matt Redman 

Who, Oh Lord, could save themselves, 

Their own soul could heal

Our shame was deeper than the sea

Your grace is deeper still

You alone can rescue, You alone can save 

You alone can life us from the grave

You came down to find us, led us out of death

To You alone belongs the highest praise

You, oh Lord, have made a way

The great divide you heal

For when our hearts were far away

Your love went further still

Yes, your love goes further sill

You alone can rescue, You alone can save 

You alone can life us from the grave

You came down to find us, led us out of death

To You alone belongs the highest praise

We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes

You're the Giver of Life 

You alone can rescue, You alone can save 

You alone can life us from the grave

You came down to find us, led us out of death

To You alone belongs the highest praise

GRACE

Grace... This word has been floating around in my head for a few days. I've wanted to sit down and write but just haven't had the time. I've had a teething baby (whose teeth seem like they are never going to come in), I've been trying to stay on track with my diet and exercise, I've been SO behind at work ... there just hasn't been time.

This morning I was successfully beating myself up for snoozing my 5 AM alarm to get up and work out. You know the words that go through your head..."Things are never going to change. You have NO discipline. yada, yada, yada!" I was sitting there berating myself because when I miss my 5 am workout I have to get one in during the afternoon. This usually means I miss out on time with the boy which then leads to me berating myself for my not so awesome mommy skills. In the middle of this train of thoughts I felt an impressing STOP within my spirit. Just STOP.

I sat there for a minute and then looked down to find this verse staring straight up at me.

James 4:6 

But he gives greater grace...

Grace.

I offer grace to others daily. That by no means is a shoout out to myself. I fail others daily as well. But I'm pretty good at giving grace to others. I offer grace to my students who failed to bring their binder and surprisingly have nothing at all to work on. I offer grace to my coworkers who are tired and grouchy from a rough three day weekend. I offer grace to my husband who is sometimes just cranky in the mornings. :) But I struggle, and I mean REALLY struggle with offering grace to myself.
(Just because I feel like it needs to be said - all of those people also offer grace to me, I get that, but it's not the point I'm trying to make :)!)

Not only do I struggle with giving grace to myself, I struggle with accepting the grace of others, namely God. I find myself stuck somewhere between I don't deserve this and I am NOT good enough. But friends that is the beauty of grace. We aren't deserving, we aren't good enough, but it is still offered. It is still mine for the taking.

Grace.

Where do we get this idea that in order to receive it we must be perfect? Where did I trick myself into believing that in order to be a good mom I have to be perfect? In order to lose the weight I can never slip up? Living my life by the standard of perfection is exhausting...and according to Jesus it's unnecessary.

Ephesians 2:8-9

For it is by GRACE you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast. 

Today I'm going to work on giving grace more freely, but I'm also going to work on receving it. I'm going to work on giving myself some grace. I'm going to strive for grace and not perfection.

Fear

Fear.

It’s such a small word, but sometimes it can do such great damage.

I’ve been living behind my fears for so long sometimes I don’t even know who I’d be without them. I’ve allowed them to control me, to dictate my actions, to paralyze me. Can I just be honest with you? I’m so tired of it. I don’t know if it’s part of growing older or just growing up, but I’m hitting this point where I just don’t care so much about what people think about me. I want God to be happy with me. I want my husband and my son to be happy with me. I want to be happy with myself. Other than that … I’m learning to be okay with others not being so happy with me.

(Side note: We will test this theory the first time someone is unhappy with me by my response to the situation.)

So this brings me back to fear. It can be paralyzing right? The fear of not being good enough, the fear of being misunderstood; just plain old fear.

Yesterday, I conquered a big fear. I literally felt sick leading up to it, but once it was done I felt relief. It was like I was allowed to quit hiding. The reality was, I was never really hiding, I was only kidding myself but I felt such freedom. I can’t really explain it. I just felt free.

I follow A LOT of blogs. I’m a little obsessed. It’s been really good for my soul though. Daily in my inbox I get about 8-10 blogs. I don’t always read them all. Sometimes I can tell by the title just to skip it. This blogger is one I’ve been on the fence about but today I found this gem in her blog.

Lives full of beauty aren’t lives full of perfection. They’re lives full of intention.

Lives that are empty aren’t empty because they lack possessions. They’re empty because they lack direction.

I want to live a life full of intention. I don’t want to be hindered by my incessant fears. I want my faith to be big because my God is big. I want my life to have intention and direction. I don’t have to have it all figured out … I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. Right now that’s all God is telling me to do. Keep moving forward, keep trusting Him.

Then there was this…

God had known all along that it wasn’t going to be the season I was envisioning. He was waiting for me to surrender that over to Him and roll with what had happened. It was time for me to let go of the disappointment and frustration and cling to what He was offering: an abundant life, rest for the weary, fresh mercy, hope for the brokenhearted.

See how God works with me … did you see that word in there? Surrender. Let go of the past and cling to what He is offering, this new thing He is doing in me.

Those are some good words my friends.

Can I just tell you that lately I have felt weary? The boy is teething which means we don’t sleep a lot at night. There is never enough time in the day to do the things I need to do or that should be done. The dishes pile up, the laundry overflows and add to it that this week we’ve all been feeling sick, it just leaves me weary.

So being reminded that God is offering me rest and mercy and hope…that just does my heart so much good. I need those things. Don’t you?

So what are you afraid of? What has you weary? What are you holding on to?

And what do you have to do to let it go, to let go of this idea of perfection and move into this idea of intention and direction. Keep moving forward and keep trusting. He will take care of the rest. Besides when He is with us what do we really have to fear anyway? 

A New Thing ...

So before I dive in today let's address something. I'm inspired and just gonna go with it so I've added some tabs to my blog. Don't feel like you have to read anything I write (I pretty much address that on the new Home page) but feel free to read and comment as much as you'd like! I'm on a journey and I love to write about it, so that's where I'm headed!

So I woke up this morning excited. It sounds corny and it really kind of was because I do NOT love mornings. I kind of despise them but my alarm went off and I don't know I just kind of felt excited. The boy was wide awake at 5:15 so I missed my morning workout, but I did get to spend some uninterrupted mommy/son time feeding him this morning, so I'll take it. Then my Mother-in-Law (who is graciously staying with us and helping out while my favorite babysitter takes a MUCH NEEDED vacation) got up and took him so I could get ready. I snuck away for a few minutes to spend some time in the word and I still just could not shake this feeling of excitement. It was more anticipation I guess. I just knew I needed to sit with Jesus.

I opened up the Word to this ...

Isaiah 43:19

See, I am doing a new thing! 

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? 

I am making a way in the wilderness 

and streams in the wasteland. 

I really like the MSG (even though sometimes it's a rough translation)

Forget about what's happened; 

don't keep going over old history. 

Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand-new. 

It's bursting out! Don't you see it? 

There it is! I'm making a road through the desert, 

rivers in the badlands.

It was like God said yep! This is where we are.

For those of you who have been reading my blog remember Surrender (that just reminded me of a great song by Sara Groves anywho...)? In order to surrender I have to let go. I can't keep going over old history. We were VERY fortunate to get to visit with some dear friends over the weekend. It was SO GOOD, but I also struggled. We rehashed a lot that I had been trying to let go of and talking about it brought back a lot of those feelings. This morning it was like God said it's okay, you don't have to keep going over it and over it, that is not going to change the outcome, it is not going to change where we are now. But that's okay because where we are now is where I want you to be. I want you to be present in the now. I want you to be watching because I'm about to do something new and girl it's gonna be good!

I want that too God! I need it. I don't deserve it but I want it. Honestly, I don't even know what to be expectant for, but I want to be just that ... expectant, because I don't want to miss it.

I started a new book last night. If I'm being honest I read about ten at a time and it's a problem. But I found this one free for my Kindle and it sounded decent so I downloaded it. It's called A Confident Heart by Renee Swope. Yep, God meant for me to find that. Can I just copy a section for you ...

"Why do we look to the things of this world to give us security, self confidence and fulfillment? I think it's because we are bombarded by empty promises for a more fulfilling life. A better husband. A better body. A better career. A more beautifully decorated house. The magazines seem so slick, their promises so enticing. They sneak into our thought processes and make us think, If only I had         , I'd be so secure and fulfilled. But the reality is, every single thing the world offers is temporary. No person, posession, profession or position can ever fill the cup of a wounded, insecure heart. It's an emptiness only God can fill."

As my friend Nadia says, "PREACH!" That my friends is good stuff. Honestly, coming off the last six months one of the biggest things I've struggled with is insecurity. It was like my whole world was kind of tipped upside down and so that whole security thing took a beating. But the reality is while I could not change the situation that happened to us, I could have changed my reaction to it. Instead of running to God to fill that emptiness, I ran to any and everything else (yes that included  Banana Shakes from Braums, way too many of them, but hey banana's are healthy right?)! No wonder my heart still feels so wounded and broken. Everything this world offers is temporary. EVERYTHING. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. 

Until I grab that I'm afraid I might be missing out on a lot, but it's someething I'm working towards.

So for today I'm claiming these promises ... God is up to something new and He will NOT disappoint.

"Then you will know that I am the Lord. Those who hope in me WILL NOT be disappointed." (Isaiah 49:23)

Tired of it ... Part Duece

So I posted a rant earlier just about my general frustration in the way we as Christians sometimes treat others. Then I read this ...

A blog from Michael J. Murray. You should definitely read it here http://redemptionpictures.com/2014/01/14/huffpost-live/

But it really got me thinking about how "sinners" must feel about the way us well meaning "Christians" treat them. This part right here ...

That's something that should give us pause, to note when our theology is played out in such a way that it does become exclusive like that. Where we aren't focusing on how we can help one another live faithfully to God, instead we are drawing boundaries around ourselves saying, "We are righteous, we are in, we are following God, but you're not." 

Whew... I mean ouch. "Instead we are drawing boundaries around ourselves."

Can I get an Amen ... we have work to do church!

Tired of it ...

(Disclaimer: Today's blog is a bit of a rant ... read at your own discretion)

I’m tired. Bone tired, and yes it probably has something to do with this rabid virus that has been wrecking my body the past 48 hours … but also I feel it down in my soul. I’m just tired.

It feels like there is so much drama going on all around. Within the church, outside the church, to be a feminist or not to be, from Duck Commanders to biblical submission, all of it… Honestly, it feels like we are all just missing the point.

I read an open letter from Thom Rainer today. It echoed some of my thoughts completely. You can read it here (http://thomrainer.com/2014/01/13/an-open-letter-to-my-denomination-have-we-lost-our-first-love/). In it he simply talks of us losing our first love and how as a denomination we are reaching fewer people for the gospel today than we did decades ago when we were a much smaller group. To me that should be completely heartbreaking…

I’ve recently gone through what I would call a crisis of faith, except it wasn’t really about faith. I was just searching. I was confused by what was happening in my life and because I didn’t understand it I started looking for answers. I didn’t stop believing in God, I didn’t stop following after Him, I just started questioning things that I had previously just taken at face value.  And guys it was life changing for me because I realized how small I had made God. I had this Bible belt view of what good Christian faith was supposed to look like, pristine, clean, good …

There’s nothing wrong with the Bible belt. I’m grateful to have been raised here and to have the upbringing I had but the Bible belt is such a small part in a very big world. The reasons that people hold on to some of their beliefs simply because that’s the way it’s always been; sometimes it just makes me sad. I often wonder how many people we are alienating because we are so stuck and because we have given God such a small box to move around in and all of it makes me sad and tired.

I am sitting in a classroom full of students (yes, I’m typing as I sit with them which is another lesson for another time) but as I sit here and look around at them I see such hurt. Many of them have been let down by this world, by their parents, by their friends. Many of them are struggling to do what they know they need to do in order to provide a better life for their children. So many of them are entangled in sin and have found a less than forgiving culture of Christianity to run to and that is what breaks my heart.

Here is the reason for my rant today. I have a student who is precious (of course I would say that, I know). She is struggling deeply to find herself and I watch her day in and day out put herself out there trying to see if this side of her fits better. She has had horrible experiences with so called Christians and churches and because of this she has declared she does not believe in God. I teach with a few older gentlemen, one who has been a pastor for over 30 years. They do not agree with her choices and have made sure that she knows and understands exactly why.

Here’s the thing … I know the age gap plays a part in all this but it just frustrates me so bad. Why would this girl ever care to know this Jesus we claim if we are supposed to be examples of his love yet all we teach is condemnation and hate. She doesn’t and honestly I don’t blame her.

I think what really breaks my heart is that we are missing it. We have forgotten our first love, we have forgotten that he truly is a God of love who ate with sinners and saints alike. He poured out His life for ALL yet we have decided that in order for some to receive it there are things they must clean up first. This isn’t the Jesus I know. He doesn’t order me to clean myself and come to Him … He begs me just to come … He longs for me to come … and I am FAR from clean and perfect.

I think we need to spend more time reaching out to those around us who are hurting and are in need of the love of our Savior instead of bickering within over things that won’t really matter in the long run. I mean honestly will it matter if Sarah Bessey and Candace Cameron Bure disagree on the subject of biblical submission … not when compared to the souls that still need to be loved into the Kingdom and that my friends is up to you and me.

There is much work to be done … and I for one need to get busy. 

His Grip

So I’ve got a lot of friends dealing with loss right now. Loss sucks, can I just say that. There is no way to sugar coat it or make it feel any better. Loss just plain out stinks. It hurts, way down deep and there really is nothing you can do or say to make it any better.

I remember going through a period of loss in my life. I’ve shared this story with some but for the off chance someone is reading this other than my Facebook stalker friends, I’ll sum it up again. The Hubs and I had a hard time getting pregnant. Countless ovulation tests and negative pregnancy tests used to leave me in shambles on the bathroom floor. During that time the most absolute, horrible thing that people would say to me was, “God has a plan.” I know some of you Jesus jukers (that’s a toss to Jon Acuff – you can check out his blog here  http://stuffchristianslike.net/2010/11/16/the-jesus-juke/#more-4048) will be like oh but He does have a plan, a perfect plan. And I don’t disagree. But when you are in the middle of crisis, when you are hurting because this plan is not what you ever imagined would be your plan, don’t remind me of the plan! I absolutely know that every single person who told me God had a plan were well meaning, loving, wonderful people. It just hurt in that moment to be reminded that something that was hurting me so badly was part of a wonderful, perfect plan. Anyhow I digress because that was not the intention for this post.

(Sidenote: After about 7 years of hurt, God gave us the most precious, beautiful gift. He is wonderful and I would do those 7 years plus many more over again for him, but I have not forgotten the hurt. Lord, may I never forget that hurt. But I tell you that just to let you know that yes, he had a plan … and even if it wouldn’t have been my 6 month old it still would have been good, I truly believe that.)

I have a lot of people in my life who are hurting and y’all to be completely honest I have no idea what to say to them. I don’t want to be someone who says something well intended but that ends up hurting them in the long run. But I’ve got to believe my God is not small and he can handle my meager words.

With that said what can we say to our friends who are knee deep in the murky waters of pain and loss? I have found that the one word that never fails is love. Cover them in it. In the middle of loss there are so many moments when you just feel alone. Remind people that they aren’t. Don’t just say it – do it. Don’t say let me know how I can help you. Remember these people are in the middle of pain, find something to do and do it. I remember when a really dear friend of mine was dealing with her husband getting sick. I remember standing on my front porch and telling her I’m not asking, I’m telling. When you ask people what you can do for them, you give them yet another task to take care of – giving you something to do. Just jump in and help. Make a meal, write a card, send a text, pick up a kid … nine times out of ten God will lay it clearly on your heart and then you just have to be a doer.

I’ve got one special friend who is hurting right now. Words cannot even begin to express the pain she is in. I want nothing more than to switch places with her because I cannot imagine being her age and having to deal with the things she now has to deal with. It is unbearable. I was searching for anything to offer her and I knew that none of my words were good enough so I turned to the Book.

“That’s right. Because, I your God, have a firm grip on you and I’m not letting go. I’m telling you, ‘Don’t panic. I’m right here to help you.’”

Isaiah 41:13

That’s it right? That’s what we all want to know, what we all need to hear. “I’ve got a firm grip on you and I’m not letting go. I’m right here.”

People, this ministered to my own heart so deeply this morning especially in regards to my surrender. I am an answers kind of girl. I cannot listen to that song Oceans right now without having to pull the car over from crying. I’m pretty sure the boy in the car seat behind me has figured out by now his momma is cray-cray! But y’all those words …

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you may call me.”

Seriously?? Trust without borders. Guys, I’ve got borders on my borders. And walk upon the waters … don’t even get me started.  But that’s what God desires of me. He wants me to jump outta that boat, arms wide open. Can I just share with you the mental picture I just got? Me, literally flopping out of a boat. HA! But how completely descriptive of my fears. God if I just trust you, no limits, what happens when I flop out of the boat and land right on my face. I’ve been there (way too many times) and it hurts. Although if I allow myself to be reflective it would be because I’ve just jumped out of the boat without paying attention to the other words of that song,

“keep my eyes above the waves, when oceans rise.”

How often do I just jump and the first wave comes along and I’m all, “ahhh!! Waves!!! I’m drowning!” Some of y’all (Nadia) are laughing at me right now but you so know it’s true. That’s not faith. That’s not a girl who believes that God has got her in a firm grip and is not going to let her go. Maybe that’s the part I’ve been missing. I’ve still been trying to control; control the waves, control my drowning … maybe I need to let the waves take me under and surrender to them and see what God does next.  Just let Him be in control.

So what do I have to offer my friends who are hurting?

Jesus.

The fact that He promises he has such a tight grip on you that you aren’t going anywhere. I have a feeling that if we surrendered to the waves and just let them take us under, we’d feel his strong, mighty arm pulling us up from underneath them. He’s got us. We don’t have to panic. We don’t have to struggle for control. We can trust that He is not going to let go of us. He is right here with us.