Broken but Believing

I write a lot about how I feel. I write about what I’m thinking. I tell you it’s how I process and it is, but today can I just let down all pretenses and tell you this stuff with my mom is hard. It’s really hard. Watching someone that you love dearly, who has always been the person taking care of everything not be able to do anything, yeah that’s tough. I want to fix it. When I realize that it truly may never be fixable it literally stops me in my tracks. It completely overwhelms me.

It’s so hard.

But lately I’ve been trying to change my perspective. I’ve been trying to focus on the good. I don’t get it every day. There are some days that I let the hardness win, but part of climbing out of the darkness is acknowledging that you are in this moment for this season. There is something to be grasped, something to learn here. All the seasons have their gift to offer. I just need to be looking for them.

So somehow in this season of brokenness, in this season of confusion, God is going to show up. He is going to meet me here. I  believe that with all my heart … will you believe it to? 

There I Said It

I’ve been sitting on a blog post for several days now. It’s been working its way through my heart and I’ve been playing with the words and finally find myself at a place where I am ready to write.

Here’s the thing … I went back to the place of my hurt this week. I mean literally walked through the door, looked people in the eyes, went back. I had several people tell me they didn’t think it was a good idea. I didn’t listen (because I know best right) and man it kicked my tail. Pulling into the parking lot I literally was breaking out into hives. Don’t get me wrong the number of people there who are pulling for me and who love me far outweighs the number of people who have hurt me…but when hurts run deep, it’s hard to feel that in the moment.

I found myself feeling battered and bruised in so many ways. I thought I had dealt with the source of my hurt. I thought I was moving on, and the reality is I think I am, but it is still hard to revisit the hurts. But after sitting on it for several days I almost feel like a cloud has lifted. I feel better. I feel stronger. I feel like I got closure. I saw the source of my hurt, looked him in his eyes and didn’t hate him. I didn’t like him either, but I didn’t look at him the way I did 10 months ago. I know I haven’t moved completely on, but I think we’ll call that progress.

It still sucks, every part of it. Seeing my best friend and her precious babies for two days is nowhere near long enough.  He took that from me. He took a lot of things from me. But he does not win. Sitting in the back row at the place of my hurt, my eyes welling up with tears, my husband leaned over and in his tender way whispered, “He doesn’t get to win.” And in that moment, I knew we could move on, fully move on and move past. It’s time to settle down here. It’s time to find a church and get involved. It’s time to stop being afraid of the church and join in the fight. I may not always agree with the church (trust me there are a lot of times I feel I am fighting a losing battle against them) but ultimately I believe in the Word. I believe in the power of the Cross. I believe I am called to pour in and I cannot do that hiding in my closet.

There is something to be said about facing down your fears. You come out on the other side feeling a little taller, a little stronger and a little more capable of facing what lies ahead of you. The past year of my life has been hard. There have been times I wanted to run away, times I wanted to throw in the towel, times I screamed at God, “What is that you are trying to do??” But the reality is my life is good. It’s not that hard. Yes, we are facing uncertain circumstances. Yes, I have been hurt by people seeking only power and position. But I’m here. I have a beautiful family. I have so much to be thankful for.

I’m ready to move on. I’m ready to stand in the light (as Olivia Pope would say). There is so much good to focus on.

I talk openly about a lot of things on this blog. All my things, my mom would say. She’s accepted that this is how I process. I don’t let her read it, mainly because I don’t want her to have to deal with all my junk. She needs to see the happy, brave face I wear. This is where I can take off that mask and let the ugly show. The broken, the messy, the hurt … the unpleasant.

I recently stumbled across a blog called Sayable. I don’t know a ton about this person, but I have been pouring over things she has written. I love that there is a movement towards honesty and transparency in my generation. We tired of the plastic and really leaning into the real. I follow a ton of bloggers who do this and do it well.  This one particular author has had a rough go lately and she talks about being open and sharing her struggle. She says this, “If we cared less about what people thought, and more about ministering through our weaknesses, I wonder if we’d ever get so high we had a place to fall from?” when questioned about sharing her personal struggle.

I talk about the ugly stuff because it’s real. I write about it because I want people to know that this Christian life I’m living is not all Disney fairytale endings. There are struggles, there is pain, there are days it sucks; days that it’s nowhere close to warm and fuzzy.

I want realness. I crave it. I don’t need the uppity, holier than thou attitudes that so many people have. I crave honesty and transparency. I want to hear from you that life is hard. I don’t want platitudes. I want people who are honest about the screaming that goes on behind closed doors. I have a really hard time with people that are always God has a plan. I know that! Doesn’t mean I have to like it! Sometimes I just want someone to come alongside and just say, “This sucks!”

Some people probably feel I shouldn’t write about some of the things I’ve experienced. They say let the past stay in the past, move on. But I echo the words I quoted earlier. We’ve got to start caring less about what people think about us and more about how we can minister through our weakness. I want to take these struggles and minister through them. I want people to see my realness and know that it’s not all unicorns and rainbows …

I’m depressed.

There I said it.

I’ve rambled on in this post afraid to just come right out and say what I’ve been trying to say. I saw myself drawing ever closer to the dark place, and instead of recognizing the signs and stopping, I dove head first in. I know the signs. My husband knows the signs. Heck probably the kids I work with know the signs. However, this time I buried myself in business trying to hide the signs. My hubs asked. He was concerned. He promised he was there. I placated him, told him I was fine and I would let him know if I needed help.

I lied.

I wanted to be able to face this without the help. I should be strong enough, right? I’ve fought those feelings for so long. I’ve told you I’m tired. I’ve told you I’m overwhelmed. But I was just hiding from the truth.

So why talk about it now? Because someone needs to know. Someone needs to hear that it is okay. We aren’t perfect, never will be.

There are days right now where my world seems completely out of control. For a control freak like me that is tough. I fear the future. I fear the unknown. I struggle with being a first time mom and having no clue what I’m doing. I worry about my mother and what her life is going to be like. I worry about my dad. I worry about my husband. I fight this battle of weight daily. There are so many reasons I feel overwhelmed. But I want to be real about it all. I don’t want to be scared of what people are going to say. I want to showcase His mighty strength in the middle of all of my weaknesses. That’s what I’m going to start focusing on.

I want to do a better job of being real so that people who are hurting can find strength through my struggles. I want to minister through my weakness so that I can meet people where they are. We aren’t called to be perfect people …

I love what Sarah says at sarathebarge.com, “The point the Bible makes is not that God makes us perfect people with perfect endings; it’s that in spite of all the chaos, violence, selfishness, destruction and pain, God loves us enough to stay with us and infuse a messy world with some grace and mercy. Instead of making us stumble around in intolerable darkness, He shines a sliver of light that illuminates the pathway to Paradise, though we will surely be bloodied and bruised along the way. And then we’ll have to die to make it across the last threshold.”

God loves ME enough to stay and to infuse my world with His grace and mercy.

I need more of that. I bet I’m not the only one. 

Holy Week

I wish I could write and tell you that my world is not still upside down, but we all know I can't. Right now I am focusing on putting one foot in front of the other and taking one day at a time.

It's hard not to just kind of keep going. You hear news like this ... it rocks your world, but the world keeps spinning. We've all tried to stay busy, probably TOO busy. But for now this is where we are. I'm not okay with it, but I'm kind of tired of running from it.

It's funny, I didn't realize how many people were reading my blog, until I started hearing from people that had been sent to the blog for an update. I need to let you all know that I speak honestly on my blog. I know you are supposed to write these blogs for others, but right now I kind of write it for me. I need the space to process, to write out my feelings, to scream and then regroup and start again. Don't be offended by what I share, just recognize it's my heart trying to cope and deal. This past year has been tough for us ... in many, many ways. But God has proven that there is a reason behind everything (even when I think His reasons are STUPID!) :)

I always tell you guys I read a TON of blogs. I think I probably have a problem. This week a lot of the bloggers I follow are focusing on Holy Week. I've kind of rushed through them, not really wanting to focus on much of anything...until this:

"You don't give a flippant shrug about mocking chocolate bunnies and strangling pastel silk ties. You could care less about floral centerpieces when you're breaking into pieces behind closed doors. This whole smashed world's a bloody mess and there are people right outside the window, right behind those velum thin walls all down the street, living this slow, soundless bleed, and Holy week can feel like a hell. and that's why He came." Read more @ http://www.aholyexperience.com.

It's almost like these words, reached in and ripped me out of my stupor. They reminded me that yes, this is hard. It's probably one of the hardest things I'll ever go through. It hurts, so much more than I can even begin to comprehend. But that's why He came. I can close my eyes tight and I can be mad at Him. I can cry and scream and beat my fists against his chest ... but He still came. This week should be putting everything into perspective for me ... and it is. It's still going to be hard and it's still going to hurt ... but I'm not alone. 

"The world moans loud, but he hears you howl. The world smiles thin, but He touches the depths of your deep grief. The world moves on, but His love moves you. He takes the nails to take your pain and He runs with you."

I am grateful for this week. I need this week in history without it today I would have no hope. Right now sometimes I struggle to find hope ... but because of this week, it's there. Because of the cross ... I have hope. I find love. I have peace. I am whole ... because of the cross. I need the cross. I want to remember the cross. I want to cling to the cross, because right now it's all I have to hold on to. So I will hold on tightly, with all my might. He hears me, he sees me, he has not abandoned me.

You either ... I scroll down my facebook feed and am heavy hearted by the trials and the hurt that so many are facing ... just know, you are NOT alone. Because of the cross, because of his love - we have hope.  

Hold on to it tightly ... 

His love moves me ... I need more of that right now. Don't we all? 

Leaning in...

I'm trying to camp here today. It's hard. I'm mad at God. I'm mad at this whole stupid situation. I know, I know ... I can't do that. I've got to let go of my anger and run to God. But you know what I am running to him ... I'm running to him with my anger. I'm beating my hands against his chest and I am telling him I HATE THIS. THIS IS STUPID. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?  These are what we like to call meltdown moments. I've had a lot of them today and there will probably be a lot more to come. So yes ... I'm turning to God, I'm leaning in to Him, but I refuse to go back to the old me who would  throw on her Jesus mask and say this is tough, but God is control. I will rest secure in Him. Do I believe that, yes? Absolutely. Do I feel that? Not in the slightest ...

What I do feel is fear. Gut-wrenching, ties my stomach in knots fear. Fear about all of the unknown that the future will hold. What I do feel is love. My friends are beautiful, even the people I wouldn't count as close are beautiful. They are holding me up and praying for my family and that is how I'm still standing right now, I believe that with all of my heart. I have AMAZING friends and family. What I do feel is passion. I will fight like hell for my mother. We will find research hospitals, we will find doctors, we will do WHATEVER it takes praying every step of the way for a miracle or a cure...whichever comes first.

Today I've felt myself slip close to the dark place. I've been there before, I'm not going back. I can't afford to this time. I have a precious boy, a wonderful husband and a family that needs me. So I'm fighting against the darkness that can so easily envelope me. I'm fighting the urge to stay in bed. I'm fighting the urge to eat ALL the food. I'm fighting the urge to cry until I have no tears left. I'm fighting the urge to pretend I'm okay. That's the biggest one for me, pretending I'm okay. When I pretend I'm something I'm not what I really am gets lost. When what I really am gets lost, I inch closer and closer to the cliff that sends me spiraling to the dark place. So I won't pretend this time. I will be honest. I'm not okay ... not today, but I think I will be. Given time. I just have to lean into Jesus. Even if I don't really want to, I lean in. Even when I have nothing nice to say, I lean in. Even when I have nothing to say period, I lean in. I lean into Him and make Him promise me that He will NOT let me go. That when the waves of this storm rock me completely out of the boat and I wash up on the shore, His will be the first face that I see. I lean into Him and give him honesty. It's not pretty ... but I know that's okay. He is big enough to handle my anger and my hurt and my fears. So I won't pretend I'm okay, but for today I will work on leaning in. It kind of reminds me of an old hymn ...

Leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarms;

Leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms.

hurt

I write this tonight with a heavy heart. The very words I've been praying would not be mentioned today ... came out. The doctors think that we are most likely dealing with Early Onset Alzheimer's. It is difficult to even type those words. We do not have a definitive diagnosis yet. We are still going to do some more testing to be completely sure. Apparently (and I'm grateful for this) EOA (I'm tired so that's what we are gonna call it) is very difficult to fully diagnose. The symptoms can mimic stress. So the doctor is going to do what is called neuro-psychological testing on my mom. Hopefully this will put us closer to a definite diagnosis. He has gone ahead a prescribed an Alzheimer's med for her to start taking in the hopes that this medicine can slow down what feels like an already accelerated process. This journey is going to be long and hard ...

There are so many things that have to be thought about, decided and acted upon in the next few months. I never imagined myself scouring the type of websites I am or praying some of the prayers I am praying. All I know is that this is my mother. I would lay down my own life for her and I will do WHATEVER it takes to help her, take care of her and love her to the best of my abilities.

My heart just hurts. I can't let myself think. I can't let my brain go there ... to the future, to the what ifs, to the place that terrifies me. So for tonight I'm just sitting quietly letting the tears roll down my cheeks and trying not to focus on the scared. Instead I'm choosing to focus on the gifts I've been given right now, the biggest one being that I am here. I am not in Colorado, 10 hours away from my mother. I am right here with her. That's a HUGE blessing if you know me. Another blessing ... my family is talking, really talking. We are talking about things that matter. We are making decisions together. If you know us ... that too is a HUGE blessing :).

This whole thing sucks. I won't sugar coat it. I won't tell you that I've made my peace with it. I'm scared. The thought of losing my mother ... I can't even go there. I want to scream at anyone who will listen she's only 54, I'm only 32 ... we should not be having to deal with this. But we are. I don't like it, but as my dad keeps reminding me it is what it is. There's not much we can do about the circumstance, but we can do everything about how we react and how we handle it. I want to react with grace. I want to have humility. I want to show compassion and love.

So this is where I am tonight. My knees are to the ground, my face is to the floor. I'm choosing to praise the one who is still in control. I am choosing to let him lead ... and I'm going to follow. Tomorrow. Right now I'm going to continue to lay here on my face before him and tell him how I really feel ... and you know what he's good with that.

Update

It's been a few weeks since I posted ... you get busy, life keeps going ... it's hard. But this is a great place for me to put what I'm learning. I've got a lot of posts in my head ... just waiting on the right words and the right time to come out. But for now I'll be short!

So this past Tuesday I started what's called the #Whole30. I have a sweet friend, who asked if I was interested in holding each other accountable and doing it together and I thought, sure why not?? Oh what was I thinking??? Basically #Whole30 is this: Thirty days of NO sugar, NO dairy, NO grains, NO beans, NO alcohol and NO CHEATING. It's all about cleaning out your body, resetting your metabolism and bringing your brain back to reality. You can see more at www.whole30.com.

Day 1 I was feeling AWESOME! I thought I had this in the bag. Today is day 6 and I feel like I'm dying. Part of that is I've had a sick baby (yes, again!) and I think I've contracted whatever awesome infection he had...I'm dying for a Braums' ice cream or a Sonic slush right about now. But I made this commitment to myself and to my friend and I'm going to keep it! I will not be overtaken by temporary defeat!

I'll try and keep you posted on how it's going. I'm hoping it will end up being really good for me and help me tackle those unhealthy cravings, but today I think it's one of the more stupid things I've committed to in my lifetime :)!

In other news we've been living the life of waiting on doctors for the past few months. I took my mom to the doctor back at the beginning of February. We are in April and we still have no answers. They've finally completed all the tests and we go back to see the specialist on Wednesday. Honestly, the diagnosis no longer seems as terrifying. I just want answers and a plan to help her deal with all of this. Maybe that's why doctors make you do all this waiting, so that by the time they finally get around to a diagnosis you've started to make your peace with whatever it is. We all have our suspicions on what it is and what it isn't, who knows.

One thing I've learned over the past few months is who is sincere and who is not. My mom is really having a hard time and there have been numerous friends who have stepped up to help her and be there for her. That is making a huge difference for us. Thank you for all the prayers and support. It does not go unnoticed.

This has been a rough start to 2014 for us, but God is still good and he is still on his throne. I'm trusting in his plan even though most days I have NO idea what it is. I'm trying to practice grace, for myself and for others. I'm trying to focus less on the things that don't matter and more on the things that do. And above all else I'm just seeking to love God and follow Him in my own little space of the world, one day at a time.