The Big Day ...

I want to ask for a couple things today.

First, peace.

Regardless of what happens today, regardless of what news we get I want my mom to feel peace. She is a nervous wreck. We've had some of the worst days in a long time these past few days. I think part of it is because she is so worried about this trip tomorrow. She is back to her irrational fear that the doctor is going to tell her that she is perfectly fine and making it all up in her head. No matter how much we try to convince her that is just NOT possible...well you know.  I just want the perfect peace to envelope her and come completely over her.

Calm.

I want calmness for my dad. He doesn't admit feelings very often, but he is nervous. We all are. We don't want to get our hopes up, but that's nearly impossible, so all we can do is just hold on to the hope that we know regardless of what we find out tomorrow, God will not be surprised.

That's the theme that is running through my head tonight. No matter what happens none of this catches God off guard. Good or bad, he's going to hold us in his hand and we are going to get through it. He is sovereign and is in control. I can hold on to that.

Pray for answers. Regardless of what they are  - just pray that this doctor, Dr. Wu, will have something to offer us. Something beyond more tests. Something beyond wait and see. I'm not asking for it to be a cure (there's that hope thing again) but I'm just hoping that we have some answers. Something tangible to hold onto, no matter how ugly it may be.

I'm clinging to the perfect love tonight, the perfect love that casts out fears. The perfect love that hides me in the shelter of his wings. Come what may I'm going to keep my trust in him.

On a personal note, some doors have opened and are possibly orchestrating a very timely and perfect opportunity for me. I can't go into more detail yet, but I need my praying peeps to pray that God will clear a path and make all the things possible that need to happen for this to work.

You guys keep me going. You have no clue how much I love you and how thankful I am for you.

Circumstances Don't Define Me

Well here's one thing I love about this ... when I make a decision or commitment to do better, God usually meets me right there.

Not long after I wrote this morning this dinged in my email. I just found this blogger and so far I am in LOVE. She's great! Hannah Help Me!  Check out her post, "You Make You!"

Here is what I feel like God is saying to me...

YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES DO NOT DEFINE YOU. Circumstances don't change who you are. 

Hannah goes on to say, "If you're angry when the kids are little, you'll be angry when the kids are big. If you're content, you'll be content no matter how much you have. If you're joyful, you'll be that way whether things are going in your favor or not."

This is good stuff. All that is going on in my life cannot be an excuse for me to do bad. I have fallen off the wagon on my diet and exercise. I mean like fallen off, hit the ground, the wheels are currently rolling over me fallen off. I've let my circumstances and more particularly the way I FEEL about those circumstances start to define me.

Here is what I know about myself:

I'm emotional ... sometimes, maybe a little too emotional.

I'm stressed ... most of the time a little too stressed.

I have not been in the word and redirecting my focus off of my circumstances and onto my Creator.

But God is bigger than my circumstances. He is bigger than my stress. He is bigger than my emotions!

I cannot control this situation. I cannot control how people are reacting to the situation. What I can control is how I respond and how I react. I can let my stress and my emotions push me to the point of exhaustion. Or I can lean into the One who I know has this ... and let him steady me.

I remember reading a Jesus Calling a while back that talked about living in the confines of today. That's what I want to start trying to do. Tomorrow has enough worries of its own and yesterday is already gone - I want to focus on the here and now. I want to be present. When I lay my head down at night I want to know I loved well and I lived in the moment.

What do you do to practice living in the moment?

I Know I'm Not Alone

I'm sure some of you have noticed, I've been a little quiet lately. My last post was a week ago today. I've been juggling super sick baby, moving into my parents house, and work, school and all the other things that go on in our daily life!

I've also been doing some soul searching. My family doesn't love that I blog about this journey. They worry that I share too much and that I put it all out there. I've even had people talk to me about being too honest. I have promised myself I would never sugar coat, so while I've been thinking and processing I've taken some time off.

The truth is I love to write, but they are probably right, I share too much. I bare it all most days and that doesn't really protect the people that I love. I know that there are many of you who read this blog for updates on my mom. I will do my best to still provide those to you, but I don't know that I will write as much about the day to day struggles. I would never want to knowingly add stress or hurt to any of my family. I also think I'll be taking down the post to facebook. If you want to follow it and I hope you do there is an email link on the site. This will put my posts right in your mail box. :)

For the past week I've considered giving blogging up. The reality is most people only read my blog now for news on my mom. That's easier than calling and to be honest easier for me than having to stop and explain things to everyone I meet in Wal-mart. But I NEED this outlet. I just have to be more careful and more creative in how I present it. At least that's where I'm at for now. There is still a lot to write about.

And the truth is as much as I love the people who read my blog and comment, I usually don't write it for you. I write it for me (that is why I would not a good money making blogger make. Step 1 is figure out the content your readers desire and write for them)! I write it to help me deal, to help me survive.

I'm just not ready to give up on that yet.

We are officially all moved back in with my parents and after an entire week out of daycare, the boy went back this morning. I'm still checking my phone every few minutes for the text saying I have to come get him, but he was acting like he felt much better! It was a whirlwind of a weekend. We got the boy's room completely set up because since I was moving him AGAIN, I wanted him to have his familiar stuff. We also got our room set up and a new fridge put in the laundry room. Who knew we had that much stuff that we used day in and day out! We will be boxing up the rest of our belongings and our furniture to put in a storage unit. Hopefully we will be able to have an awesome garage sale soon!

I can already tell it's going to be good to be out there with my parents. It will definitely have its challenges, but just having her be able to spend so much time with the boy makes it worth it for me. Hopefully we will settle into a routine soon.

We go back to the specialist on Wednesday. We'd all be lying to you if we told you we weren't a little anxious. None of us really have a clue what to expect. You hope for the best I guess ... whatever that is at this point.

Here's the  deal, since I'm all about the honesty right? My quiet times have been non existent. I know, I know, I can't believe I'm admitting it either. I'm exhausted and stressed and so busy most days I don't make time for the only One who can hold it all together. I used to be a very early riser. I would get up, grab a cup of coffee and spend time in the word. Then I had a baby, my mornings got a lot more interesting. Then I joined a gym and decided going during the early morning would be easiest (although if we are honest the gym mornings happened for like a week). The truth is I just haven't made time for what should be the most important thing in my life.

I struggle with the guilt of this daily. I know I am in a relationship with my Savior. That is never of any doubt to me. But I struggle with the guilt of not spending the time with Him I know I should. I know I'm not alone. I know a lot of us struggle with knowing we need to be making more time for Him, but struggling to find the time to just make it through the day period. I love Jesus a lot but it's hard for me to even think about getting up at 4:30 am. Seriously...

But I have to do better. Spending time in the Word makes me a better mom, it makes me a better wife, it makes me a better daughter, I'm pretty sure it makes me a better person.

I want to be the mom that has it all together. I have Pinterest pages galore with crafty ideas, DIY projects and recipes that would impress my family's socks off. But most days, I'm lucky to crawl out of bed, brush my hair (today I'm pretty sure there's baby snot in my hair and on my shirt), brush my teeth, pack a lunch, eat breakfast, get the boy up, dressed, ready and out the door. Most nights when I turn off his light, I am so ready to go to sleep I can't think about working out, prepping meals for the next day, or anything other than crawling myself right back into that big, fluffy bed. I have these dreams in my head of what I could be accomplishing, but 9 times out of 10 ... they are just that...dreams!

This is not what I envisioned motherhood would be.

But I want to do better. I've got to believe (maybe because it's all I've got to hold on to at this point) that if I got my priorities straightened out things might move a little more smoothly. Honestly, I had great intentions of getting up early this morning, but after a night where the boy coughed himself awake about 6 times, I reset that blasted alarm before it even had the chance to go off. You know what that resulted in, me running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get us out the door. Oh and me getting to work 10 minutes late! (Mad props to single moms! Seriously ... I am in awe of you. You have my utmost respect and admiration.) This is how I imagine I left the house this morning...

I want more than this. I want order instead of chaos. Yes, I give myself some grace. This season of our life lends itself to chaos. But I want more. I may not be the Pinterest mom of the year. I may be buying our halloween candy for daycare. The boy may be eating a lot of mac and cheese and peanut butter and jelly, but I want to try for more.

I want to be content in this season. I want to be at ease. I don't want to be striving day in and day out reaching for this unattainable goal. I want to feel the freedom of letting it go and just being.

At the end of the day I love my son, more than life. I love my husband. I love my parents. I love them so much that I want to be the best me that I can possibly be for them.

I want to give them more than just getting by. I want to give them peace and calm. I want to give them Jesus. And I guess that means I need to get my butt up out of bed so that I can spend some time having him fill me up, so that I have something to pour out on those that I love.

Ready to Call It Quits ...

I cannot even today you guys. I am so beyond done. I'm seriously ready to just throw in my chips and call it done. I know I can't, but just keeping it real tonight y'all.

Instead of writing an entire blog whining about how rough today has been, instead of telling you all about the lack of sleep, the sick kid, the dryer on fire, the really bad day my mom is having ... instead of elaborating on all of those wonderful details, I'm just going to tell you this: on my own I do NOT have what it takes to handle this. I just don't.

There are not enough hours in the day. There is not enough of me to go around.

It is so incredibly easy, especially on days like to day, to feel so far below enough.  It so easy for me to just let the darkness envelope me and give in to the thoughts that I cannot do this. I am not enough. I am just done.

So incredibly easy.

But not what is required of me. Right now I think all God is asking is that I put one foot in front of the other each day. I may feel all alone ... but I just have to keep taking the next step. I may feel like I'm drowning, but I just have to put one foot, then the next.

I want to be angry. There are so many people who could be helping...who should care way more than they seem to, but at the end of the day I just don't think they get it. I don't think they understand what we are dealing with at all. It's easier to just be oblivious ... shoot, I envy you. I wish I didn't have to accept how bad things are. I wish I didn't have to deal with it every. single. day.

Right now I'm watching this bird outside the window. He seems to be concerned with one thing and one thing only...himself. He is pecking around looking for food, picking up things to take back to his nest. What you can't see is that he is carrying a load, not for himself, but for someone else. He is taking the food back to his nest which is just a few steps away and inside that nest is another bird. I can't get close enough to tell you what's wrong with that bird, but watching them I am struck by something ... He is carrying a load for someone else.

It's hard. It would probably be easier to just grab enough for himself and take off. But he doesn't. He continues to peck around, grab some stuff and go back to her time and time again.

That's how I feel. Some days it all seems a little pointless, but you keep pecking around and going back time and time again.

Well, this has been incredibly depressing :) So I'll leave you with this gorgeous picture my hubs got while we were driving through I think California, could have been Arizona, or New Mexico ... who knows it all started running together!

This is what I just keep reminding myself over and over...

Hope: The Worst of All Evils

I told myself not to get my hopes up, but it's hard. You think maybe, somewhere in the back of your mind...could it be fixable? Could she get better?

But Friedrich Nietzsche had it right when he said, "In reality, hope is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs man's torments."

That small smidgen of hope has already done damage to me. It has made me dream dreams that are most likely unattainable. It has made me wish for things that will most likely never come to fruition.

It has made me hope.

At the end of the day sometimes hope is all we have.  Sometimes even when we know the cold hard truth of our reality we have to cling to something and hope is all we have.

It's moments like this week that remind me how much we've lost. When that doctor called on Wednesday, I wanted nothing more than to call my mom and freak out about what was happening. But I couldn't. Sometimes it hurts when I stop and think about just how much has changed.

Even when hope is stripped away from us, even we are reminded how dim our situation seems, I will still choose to hope. I will cling to the truth that God has not forgotten us. He has not given up. He can still perform miracles. I believe in those things with all of my heart ... because somedays it's all I have.

Come As You Are

Well, I barely slept last night and I ate ALL the ice cream ...

...but today everything was good. The doctor is still a little concerned about a couple things, but we are just going to keep an eye on those for a few weeks and then come back and repeat the test then. So it was good.

I cannot say thank you enough for the texts, calls and  messages I got. You guys are amazing. I am so very grateful to have you fighting in our corner.

I found myself thinking a lot today about the goodness of God. Even when it's hard, even when things don't go my way ... do I really still believe he is good?

If the test today had been high and I found myself facing putting needles in my 15 month old on a daily basis, would he still be good?

If the MRI is fine, and we are still dealing with a rapid dementia, is he still good?

He is. I know he is. I have to believe he is.

So tonight I'm grateful for his love. I'm grateful for his mercy. I'm grateful for his goodness. I'm grateful that I can come to him with all my fears, my crazy, neurotic self and he offers rescue and mercy for my broken heart.

This has been on repeat in my head all day, so I wanted to share.

Come As You Are 

Crowder 

Come out of sadness from wherever you've been 

Come broken hearted let rescue begin

Come find your mercy

On sinner, come kneel 

Earth has no sorrow 

That Heaven can't heal

So, lay down your burdens

Lay down your shame

All who are broken

Lift up your face 

Oh wanderer, come home

You're not too far

So lay down your hurt 

Lay down your heart

 Come as you are

There's hope for the hopeless

And all those who've strayed

Come sit at the table

Come taste the grace

There's rest for the weary

Rest that endures

Earth has no sorrow 

That heaven can't cure 

Come as you are

Fall in His arms

Come as you are

There's joy for the morning

Oh sinner, be still 

Earth has no sorrow 

That heaven can't heal

More Than This Mom Has to Give

I am trying. I really am. But God is asking more of me than I have to give.

Today has been one for the books. As I go to bed tonight, my one hope is that some new fears are unfounded and just my neurotic, worrisome psyche all worked up over nothing.

The neurologist's office called today. Our original plan was that we would do the MRI, if everything looked good, we would do a spinal tap, then we'd come back to see him. The nurse called today and said that Dr. Wu saw the test results today and would like to see us. However, he is at a conference overseas until Sept. 30. He will be back in the office on October 1st and ask that we be there. Of course we know it was the nurse and she can't tell me anything, and the probability is she hasn't even seen the test, but I got what I could out of her. Basically, we are looking at three possibilities (most likely) it could be a mass, a blockage, or he could have seen shrinkage in her brain. As I sit here tonight I'd be lying to you if I wasn't praying for one of the first two. I know, I know, I am underestimating how awful it would be, and I probably am. But on some level having something to fight, rather than this invisible disease would be encouraging. Right now we live in the world of it will only get worse, to have even the remote possibility that something could be fixed, well I don't even have words. I just keep telling myself it couldn't be worse could it ... but then again...

I know I can't get my hopes up. I know I can't really even allow myself to think what if, But it's so hard ... Right now we are in a place where she doesn't even know what day or year it is. Yes, that's how fast it is progressing. And yes, when you see her you can comment on how good she looks, but you have no idea. This is a silent disease. There are no visible symptoms you can see, it doesn't mean her brain is not slowly dying away. But what if it's not this disease ... again I can't go there.

I'm trying hard not to be hopeful. I'm trying to just take it as it comes. We've already handled this diagnosis, surely we can handle anything else.

That was my morning. So I determined that I was not going to get worked up, not going to worry, not going to think about all the what ifs ...

Then my phone rang again. This time a different doctor (I can't tell you how much I'm beginning to despise them) with a different patient. After lots of questions about things I didn't even realize could be problems...we have a test scheduled for tomorrow. I'm not ready to talk about it yet. What I will tell you is it has left me really frustrated with God. I've had several people remind me today that he won't give me more than I can handle, but I call BS. This is already much more than I can handle, especially on my own. So much more ... and now to think of what tomorrow's results might hold almost sends me right over the edge. But I do know one thing ... He is big enough for all of these feelings. He is big enough for me to tell him if this is His plan, I am really not okay with that. He is big enough for me to tell Him that if we get tough results tomorrow I'm done. (He's big enough and good enough to know I won't be....but I might need to tell him that anyways!)

Here's the thing about life ... sometimes it sucks and just when you think you might be seeing a silver lining ... it sucks even more. No that's not the nicest thing to say, but it's honest. But someone reminded me tonight that sometimes all we can muster up is ok... and that's ok.

Of course God is going to give me more than I can handle. Not to punish me, not to strengthen me, and not even to help me grow ... some of those might happen, but I'm not sure any of those are the goal. I think the goal is to pull me closer to Him. I think the goal is that when crummy things happen, He is pulling me as tight to Him as He can, giving me ALL of himself even when I have NONE of me to give. I think his goal is to show me how much He loves me and how much He desires to walk through anything with me.

So tonight even though I'm scared and even though I feel so overwhelmed, I'm going to grab His hand. I'm going to trust him. And when tomorrow comes if I get good news I'm still going to trust, but if it's hard I'm going to squeeze his hand a little harder and trust Him anyways. Because ultimately He is good. He loves me. I do know that without question.

If you want to help, the appointment is tomorrow at 2:15. Just say a little prayer. Pray for good results, but also pray that if it's not what we want to hear that we will continue to trust. Love you all.

A Letter to My Friend

I want you to know something... on the nights when it is hard, on the nights when you feel all alone, on the nights when you feel forgotten - God hasn't forgotten.

On the days when no one gets it, on the days when you want to scream, on the days when you just want to give up - God hasn't forgotten.

In the midst of all of this ugliness - there is still good. His name is Jesus.

Even when it's hard to feel His presence, even when He doesn't seem near at all, you can hold on to the hope, to the truth that He is here. He has not left us, He has not abandoned us. He will not forsake us. He has not forgotten.

Even when the days drag on and you find yourself thinking the impossible - He has not forgotten.

Even when you are so mad at Him you can't form a single word - He has not forgotten.

Even when you can't find the strength to take another step - He has not forgotten.

"But now listen, you, whom I have chosen. This is what the Lord says - he who made you, who formed you in the womb, and who WILL help you: Do not be afraid, you, whom I have chosen, For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the  dry ground...

...This is what the Lord says- Israel's King and Redeemer, the Lord Almighty: I am the first and I am the last; apart from me there is no God. Who then is like me?...

...Do not tremble, do not be afraid...

Is there any God besides me? No, there is no other Rock; I know not one...

...Remember these things, I have made you, you are my servant, I will not forget you."

Isaiah 44 (lots of liberties taken)

I know it feels like we are in this alone, but He has not forgotten us. He has not abandoned us. He has not abandoned the ones we love either. 

We cannot be consumed by our anger or by our hate. 

"Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail"

Lamentations 3:22

"Find fulfillment through living close to Me, yielding to My purposes for you. Though I may lead you along paths that feel alien to you, trust that I know what I am doing. If you follow Me wholeheartedly, you will discover facets of yourself that were previously hidden. I know you intimately - far better than you know yourself. In union with Me, you are complete. In closeness to Me, you are transformed more and more into the one I designed you to be."

(Jesus Calling - September 16) 

We have to draw close to Him. He will guide us, he will give us what we need for each day, even when it seems impossible. 

This is not your fault. You are not being punished. You did not do anything to deserve this. You are a fantastic and strong woman. For whatever reason, God knew you and you alone could handle this burden. 

For now, the future seems bleak. It's hard to look at things and not have that overwhelming feeling that things are only going to get worse from here. The truth is ugly. They will get worse. But we are not alone. We can have hope. He is our hope. Even on our darkest days, His light will still shine bright. 

I love you. We will fight together. 

Led By Love

Yesterday's post generated a lot of love. I'm so grateful for that. I'm so grateful for you who love on and encourage me. Seriously your words are my fuel. I'm appreciative for every single like and comment. They move my heart. I just wanted you to know.

I'm scared. I try not to be. I try to put on my brave face and pretend that regardless of what happens I know God has this. I know He is in control and that come what may I'm going to put my trust in him. But I am scared.

I absolutely hate this disease. As horrible as it is to admit sometimes I wish it was something like cancer, so at least we could fight it, at least we'd have a chance. This disease is so silent. No one talks about. Probably because no one really understands it. But I hate it nonetheless.

'I hate dreaming about the future. I hate wondering what it will be like. I hate watching the slow slide into the pit of despair. I hate knowing there is no cure. I hate that this is our new normal. I just hate it.

I hate that I'm scared. I want to be strong enough. I want to not find myself wondering, as the days go by and things seem to be so much worse so quickly, how much longer we have.

I want the boy to know his Nana. I want them to have a long lasting relationship, but the horrible truth is that probably won't happen. His memories of her, the real her, the good her, the not confused and paranoid and sometimes mean her, those will come from pictures and stories and that breaks my heart more than I could have ever imagined.

When my heart hits this place I have to stop my mind. It wants to run like a runaway train racing down the track but I have to stop it before I plow into the wall. I have to remind myself that God is not the author of fear. God casts out fear. His perfect love casts it out. I have to rely on that love. I have to lean into it and I have to let it lead me.

Psalm 10:17 reminds me that God hears my cry. He hears my fear and then he tells me to follow hard after him.

To lean into him.

And today that's just where I want to be.

Mommy Meltdown

You guys I try really hard to keep it all together. I try to have my meltdowns in the privacy of my home, usually hiding on the bathroom floor hoping the hubs doesn't hear the sobs. I try. I really do. But the past two Sundays I've had the ugly cry happening ... at church of all places. I mean seriously?!? Can't I at least pretend to have it together in front of all the church people??

I don't write a whole lot about the mommy side to things. There seems to be so much going on with my mom that the mommy side gets pushed to the back burner. Just saying that, I feel all kinds of perfect mommy eyes judging me, but I'm trying to keep it real.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a mom. I didn't realize just how much into little man came into my life. He is a mess in all the right ways and I would not trade a single year of the pain that it took to finally hold him in my arms for one minute.

I struggle like most new moms (or at least I tell myself this is how other first time moms feel) feeling like I'm a failure most days. When I serve yet another grilled cheese after a long day, when I sit down at a nice restaurant only to have my son throwing every ever loving piece of food across the room, when we walk through the aisles of the grocery store and he is the one screaming at the top of his lungs. I have found so many new ways to feel like I'm not adding up then I ever even knew were possible.

But lately I've reached a new one ... the boy hates church. I mean screams at the top of his lungs hates it. It's our fault. I know that. Last year we took some time to work through our hurt and while I still believe that was the best decision for us, it meant the boy didn't develop a pattern of being in the nursery every single Sunday. Now that the hubs and I are teaching Sunday School again we are back in the swing of things every week.  The past two weeks have been completely agonizing. And seriously he has the best class of Sunday School teachers ever. Two of the sweetest, most gentle and kind women I know. Yet he screams.

It will get better they say. He will get used to it they say. It's good for him they say.

Today after handing him over while he was screaming and clawing at my neck, I went upstairs to our Sunday School room and lost it. I bawled. And you guys I am not a pretty cryer. It's not even a little cute. I heard myself telling Chris that we were horrible parents. What kind of mother leaves her child screaming like that? What business do I have teaching in a Sunday School while my child is a few floors below screaming his head off? That was it, I was done. I got up and walked myself right back down to his Sunday School room, only to find him sitting quietly in his teachers lap looking at a book. I went back after Sunday School and there he was running around and playing.

He in no way did perfect today. There were lots of tears, probably lots of frustration on his teachers behalf, but this Sunday I almost made it all the way through the church service before I had to go get him. So I left church today not feeling so broken and feeling even a little bit hopeful.

Being a mom is hard. Really hard. Like harder than I really ever thought it could be. But you know what? We put so much pressure on ourselves. So much pressure worrying about what other people think. Sometimes I wonder if I was half as worried about what Jesus thought as I was what people thought if I would be doing things different?

Here's what I learned this morning. I'm not perfect. My boy is not perfect (although some days he's close, his babysitter is crying at this moment she is laughing so hard, I promise you that!) But that's okay. I don't have to be perfect. I've been reading Hosea. Which is funny because we've been talking about Justice, Mercy, Compassion and today Deliverance with our Seniors. All themes I see in the story of Hosea. But this morning as I sat there worrying about what a horrible mother I was I was reminded that ultimately my kid doesn't need me. He needs this Jesus. And at the end of the day whether I am a complete failure as a mother, a wife, a daughter or all of the above, Jesus is the source that I should be comparing myself to. I have to lay down my fears, lay down my tendency to compare and lay down my need to judge myself oh so harshly. I have to trust that Jesus picked me to be the mom of my boy and he will not abandon me. He will walk with me and guide me every step of the way. I'm so grateful I don't have to do it alone. I'm also really grateful that I don't have to be perfect. It also makes me really want to offer a little grace to the mommy that I see struggling tomorrow. We get it sister! We've all been there and as they say it will get better. :)

Life Lately ...

Somedays I just want to sit down and tell you all how awesome things are going. Someday...

As for now, we are trying to level out sleeping medications to stop the acting out of dreams and not sleeping, we are dealing with a severe iron deficiency and we are just not doing great. All of us are hopeful that things seem to be progressing so rapidly due to no sleep and not because the disease is moving this quickly. I just hope we can level off sometime soon. Mom and I head to Lubbock tomorrow for the MRI that got postponed for two weeks due to crazy insurance mess. Hopefully Dr. Wu, will start moving towards some answers as quickly as he can.

I write alot about how hard all of this is and how hard life is. Those of you who comment or who message me, you have no idea what your encouragment does to my heart. It is often times like a balm to a dry spirit. I sometimes feel I am too honest. I feel this blog is too debbie downer ...but I want to be honest. I've always promised myself I wouldn't sugar coat. I'd lay the truth out there and just let it be what it is. I try to do that ... but lately I've been feeling like I want to do more.

Yes, this blog is an incredible tool for keeping people up to date on my mom. It's great for that. People all over are able to read and know specifics of what they can be praying for. That's awesome. But it's also an incredible platform to write about so much more as well. There are people that are hurting, people who need encouragement, people who need hope. Maybe I can find some peace in this crazy mess of a life by helping lead others to the only Light I truly know.

It is no lie that over the past 14 months my heart has been through a lot. We have had lots of ups and many downs. I have been through some really ugly darkness and am tyring to find my way back out. It's hard at times. There are days I wonder if any of it matters at all. But then I see that sweet little thing I call my son and I know it does. I know that even though the days are hard, there is hope. There is purpose and eventually there will be healing.

I do believe that.

Maybe not the healing I"m hoping for but a healing nonetheless.

In the meantime (in between updates and posts of frustrations about my mom) I want to work on bringing some light to my little space of the world.

So I guess I'll start here, most of you know I'm still trying to finish my Masters. I was SO close in Colorado, but when we ended up moving here I had to take a year off just to get my feet underneath me. I'm finally back in classes and hoping that by the Spring of 2016 I will walk away with not only my license to be a School Counselor but more importantly my License to be a Professional Counselor (oh what a happy, joyous day that will be).

Anyhow my short time at Colorado Christian was such a blessing to my heart. I was able to be in class under some astounding professors and an incredible cohort of students. I had one professor who I completely adored. He changed and shaped my view on a lot of things and I didn't even realize the impact he was having at the time. He had us read two books that semester that both taught me so much more than a textbook ever had. He introduced me to Henri Nouwen. I LOVE me some Nouwen... That guy is a G!

I've been revisiting some of my journals from that time and this one really stuck out to me today and just kind of imprinted on my heart.

"Our humanity comes to its fullest bloom in giving. We become beautiful people when we give whatever we can give: a smile, a handshake, a kiss, an embrace, a word of love, a present, a part of our life ... all of our life."

Maybe in the midst of this pain that's the answer I've been searching for...just to give. To give of myself, to give of my heart ... to give.

I'm not entirely sure what it all will look like. But I'm a work in progress much like this blog. So who knows what the future holds, for now I'm going to work on giving. I'm going to work on finding the light and moving towards it. I'm going to work on healing.

Learning to Grow Up and Not Taking it Personal

I would be lying if I told you this past weekend was easy. That’s the tricky thing about this disease…some days are good, other days are bad. I’m not writing this post for all those “mommas” out there to remind me I’m doing a good job. Or for those overly opinionated people to talk to me about how hard this must be for my mom. Trust me I understand those things better than you think. I’m writing it because I need to process it. Just sitting inside me it seems to fester … I need these feelings out in the open. 

Lately, it seems like everything I do is the wrong thing to do. It’s almost become a running joke between my brother and I that the minute I come over mom starts to cry and get upset. This weekend was definitely no different. 

There were endless arguments and hurtful spats and tears. LOTS of tears. Oh the tears. For someone who was never super emotional, my mom has developed the ability to cry. In her defense… we’d all be crying to. Her life is not the same. Everything has changed. She can’t fix it. Yet, she is aware of it. It is horrible and stupid … for the record. 

Honestly, it was a really challenging weekend for me. Satan likes to hit me when I’m down and he really tried to throw some punches this weekend. I’m so grateful for my husband. This is not what he signed up for, but he handles it all with such grace. 

I got in bed on Saturday night and I was just done. It had been two days of crying and fighting and me feeling like I was on constant egg shells because figuring out what I’m doing that sets her off seems to be a hopeless attempt. Some days I feel like it’s just breathing … but I digress. The minute my head hit the pillow the tears started. 

My mom has been my best friend for as long as I can remember. She was the one I would cry to, call for help, laugh at stupid things with…just my best friend. I remember once, an all-knowing youth worker, told me our relationship was unhealthy. I’d give anything for those days back so I could soak in them just a little longer. Some of the sweetest memories we have are because we were best friends and I am so thankful for those times. I miss them so much more than I can adequately put into words. I miss being able to talk to my mom about things that stress me out. I miss being able to talk to her about my fears of parenting the boy. I miss sitting and laughing uncontrollable at something that would make no sense to anyone else. I just miss my mom. 

I miss not having to explain things to her. I miss not having to re-explain things again. I miss her being in charge of just about everything and me just getting to ride on her coat tails as she took care of all the details. If I could go back I would tell myself not to take her or that for granted. Regardless, of what many may think, my mom was a super strong woman. She held a lot together and I miss that. 

I’m reminded that I have my mom. And I am grateful for that. I am. I have a  sweet friend who today marks 8 months since her momma has been gone. My heart hurts for her. I can still hug my mom. I can still tell her I love you and hear her say it back. So don’t get me wrong,  I am grateful for that. I just miss her. That’s all. 

At the end of the day I know she doesn’t mean it. I know that we are still close and she is comfortable with me and it easy for her to let down her guard with me. I know ALL of this … but you know what, it doesn’t make it any easier. I feel responsible when she’s upset. I try my hardest to fix everything and sometimes it is just TOTALLY exhausting. 

That’s where I am lately. Just totally exhausted and mad at the world. LOL. 

Until Sunday morning, when this song gets sung at church and I’m like ugly cry, can’t hold it together, sniffling so bad, the sweet man in front of me keeps asking Chris if I’m okay. I won’t lie, I was holding the boy and I was so glad that he woke up with dirty pants and I could leave. I just could not get it together. 

But really this song just so clearly echoes my heart right now, in this moment. I needed it so badly…even when I don’t like it. 

“Sometimes I feel no one’s ever been in this place before. 

This is hard and I’m not sure I can do this anymore. 

I know someday I’ll look back and all this won’t seem real, but Lord right now I need you to know just how I feel. 

When there are no words to say and no prayer that I can pray, hear my heart. 

When I don’t have strength to try and I’ve cried all I can cry, hear my heart. 

Cause you know every fear and every doubt I cannot speak.

You know all the ways I need you and all the ways I’m weak, so I’ll be quiet…

So you can hear my heart.”

Being reminded that even in the ugliness of it all … God can handle it. He is big enough. He is strong enough. He just is. He has a way of working himself into my dark places and shining his light and bringing his love … and somedays I just really need that. 

So no this isn’t where I thought I’d be at 32 and this isn’t the plan I had laid out. But you know what … it’s His plan. And day by day I’m working on learning to trust it. 

I’m working on growing up. I’m working on not taking it all so personally. I’m working on living in the moment, enjoying each day and just being. Somedays all I can do is be … other days I focus on the living. But through it all … He still is…and today that’s enough for me.

I'm a Jerk

Ugh... I know it's not her fault. I know she doesn't do it on purpose. I know, I know, I know ... but sometimes I just forget, or I don't know what happens and I snap. I snapped today. It was over something SO stupid. That makes it ten times worse. 

Here's the thing ... my mom, the mom I've had for 32 years, she is not the same mom I have now. And that sucks ... it's also hard to remember. It's hard to take on the mom role for your mom. Sometimes my days are long, my temper is short and I just lose it. 

I need to say this...I'm grateful to have my mom regardless of whether she is the same or not. I am grateful. Do I wish things were different? Heck, yes! I am not to the place where I can say that I see this disease as a blessing, maybe someday but that day is not today. I recognize that there are many people who have lost their loved ones and I am in no way minimizing that pain and that hardness. I'm just saying this is tough. It sucks. I hate it. The reality is hurt is hurt. Pain is pain. No matter what it looks like or how we have to deal with it, the truth is it is hard for each us. I just felt like I needed to say that (probably the people pleaser in me). 

Here's where I struggle... I know I'm human and I'm allowed to mess up. I'm allowed to snap. It won't be the first or the last time. I get that ... but I struggle so hard with beating myself up when it happens. I KNOW she can't help it ... and I can and that just makes me so angry at myself. But life is just so there all the time. There are bills to be paid, essays to be graded, diapers to be changed, laundry to be folded, toilets to be scrubbed and sometimes I just get so bogged down by it all. I let it overwhelm me, I snap under pressure (or sometimes just for the sake of snapping) and I get so frustrated. 

But you know what ... Jesus meets me right there in that anger and frustration with myself. My inbox dings and I read this ... 

"Despite our best plans and well-planned days, life happens in abundance. You and I need our grace days, Momma. We need to drink in the Lord's mercy when the trash can overflows and the counter has been lost under the dishes. It's this overflowing life itself, with the twists and turns that we don't foresee, that reaches beyond our capacity and leaves us in need of more of Him." 

                                                                                                                  (http://www.thebettermom.com)

Then I read my shereadstruth and am reminded of this: 

"Maybe you don't need me to spell it out for you today, Sisters, but maybe you do: YOU Are his one, true love. Wherever you are, whatever you've done, whatever anyone else thinks of you, and however long it's been since the last time you really just called Him your Groom - HE HASN'T CHANGED.

He wants to give you good things. He wants you to delight in Him, to come to Him to supply your needs, to come to Him when you are lonely or happy or angry. He wants relationship, and He wants it with YOU!"

                                                                                                             (http://shereadstruth.com/2014/09/03/will-us-will-good/)

God is just good like that. He meets us right there in our jerky ways and says I love you anyways. 

Life is hard. There are good days. There are bad ones. But one truth never changes...God longs for relationship with us. We are His one, true love. That's good stuff right there. That's a balm for my hurting heart tonight. I may not like this season ... but I do need this God. Don't you? 

He Waits.

Honestly, I'm over this disease. I'm over the stupidity of people that know nothing about this disease yet presume they know exactly how we should handling it. I'm tired of people's opinions. I'm tired of people's judgment. I'm just kind of over it all. But you know what I'm not over? You know what I have realized I don't have near enough of in my life right now? Quiet time. Time to sit alone with my Savior and rest, knowing that He has all of this crazy, beautiful mess in His hands. 

I follow, I guess it's a blog, called #SheReadsTruth. If you don't ... you should check them out. You can sign up for their reading plans free on email. (http://shereadstruth.com) Right now we are doing Hosea. At first, I was like bleh. I know this story ... Seriously God? I wanted you to meet me in the middle of all this, and I get Hosea. Boo...

Apparently, I've forgotten what the theme of Hosea is and besides totally kicking my tail up one side and down another ... it is the epic love story. God is using this book ... this story ... these people ... to remind me that He is pursuing the heck out of my wounded heart right now. Oh how I need to know that. 

He is reminding me how stubborn I am. How human. How my instinct in fear and the unknown is to run. But (this is my favorite part) He is also reminding me that, 

"He waits. He watches with sadness, with righteous anger, with tender grief for all we must go through again. When we return to Him broken, with hands out, He holds us close. He starts over again, patiently teaching us about His love and our need to obey and be humbled." 

God is good. Circumstances stink. There are days when I don't want to get out of bed and face reality. But I am being reminded over and over right now that God is still good. 

“Come, let us return to the Lord; for he has torn us, that he may heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up.”
- Hosea 6:1 

I may feel completely torn ... but he is going to heal. He is going to bind up. He is going to pursue, to love, to wait, to hurt with me. 

I don't know, maybe I'm rambling tonight. But this is where my heart is. I want more of this God. I want to run towards him with all that I have. I want to lay the hurt, the fear, the frustrations, the annoyance, the anger all down at his feet. I just want more of him tonight. 

Maybe you do too?

Quick update for those of you who don't really care about my ramblings but do care very much about my mom: 

We had an MRI scheduled for Saturday. Insurance is doing what insurance does and we are having to fight with them a bit. The doctor at Texas Tech is still really fighting for us and that makes us happy. She survived her trip to Tennessee although not without its hiccups. It was good for her though and I think she was really glad she went. The crappy thing about this disease is you seriously have moments, days, weeks that things seem fine. She can pass for normal. But she's not and oh how hard it is for us to watch those things but hear you tell us how great she looks. This is such a silent disease and I detest that about it. But mom is doing okay. She is hanging in there and adjusting to retirement. Chris, Ash and I are going to be moving back out to moms in the next few months. (Be praying we can find a home for our fur babies. So far it has been WAY harder than we imagined, both finding someone we trust and letting them go). It is going to be good for us to be able to help out and good for mom to get plenty of Asher time. He seems to keep her young right now and that is definitely a plus. I'll keep you updated as we move forward with Dr. Wu and with how things are, I promise. I've been quiet lately, because there just hasn't been much to talk about. :) But know, as always, we appreciate your support and prayers so much more than you may ever know!