I Know I'm Not Alone

I'm sure some of you have noticed, I've been a little quiet lately. My last post was a week ago today. I've been juggling super sick baby, moving into my parents house, and work, school and all the other things that go on in our daily life!

I've also been doing some soul searching. My family doesn't love that I blog about this journey. They worry that I share too much and that I put it all out there. I've even had people talk to me about being too honest. I have promised myself I would never sugar coat, so while I've been thinking and processing I've taken some time off.

The truth is I love to write, but they are probably right, I share too much. I bare it all most days and that doesn't really protect the people that I love. I know that there are many of you who read this blog for updates on my mom. I will do my best to still provide those to you, but I don't know that I will write as much about the day to day struggles. I would never want to knowingly add stress or hurt to any of my family. I also think I'll be taking down the post to facebook. If you want to follow it and I hope you do there is an email link on the site. This will put my posts right in your mail box. :)

For the past week I've considered giving blogging up. The reality is most people only read my blog now for news on my mom. That's easier than calling and to be honest easier for me than having to stop and explain things to everyone I meet in Wal-mart. But I NEED this outlet. I just have to be more careful and more creative in how I present it. At least that's where I'm at for now. There is still a lot to write about.

And the truth is as much as I love the people who read my blog and comment, I usually don't write it for you. I write it for me (that is why I would not a good money making blogger make. Step 1 is figure out the content your readers desire and write for them)! I write it to help me deal, to help me survive.

I'm just not ready to give up on that yet.

We are officially all moved back in with my parents and after an entire week out of daycare, the boy went back this morning. I'm still checking my phone every few minutes for the text saying I have to come get him, but he was acting like he felt much better! It was a whirlwind of a weekend. We got the boy's room completely set up because since I was moving him AGAIN, I wanted him to have his familiar stuff. We also got our room set up and a new fridge put in the laundry room. Who knew we had that much stuff that we used day in and day out! We will be boxing up the rest of our belongings and our furniture to put in a storage unit. Hopefully we will be able to have an awesome garage sale soon!

I can already tell it's going to be good to be out there with my parents. It will definitely have its challenges, but just having her be able to spend so much time with the boy makes it worth it for me. Hopefully we will settle into a routine soon.

We go back to the specialist on Wednesday. We'd all be lying to you if we told you we weren't a little anxious. None of us really have a clue what to expect. You hope for the best I guess ... whatever that is at this point.

Here's the  deal, since I'm all about the honesty right? My quiet times have been non existent. I know, I know, I can't believe I'm admitting it either. I'm exhausted and stressed and so busy most days I don't make time for the only One who can hold it all together. I used to be a very early riser. I would get up, grab a cup of coffee and spend time in the word. Then I had a baby, my mornings got a lot more interesting. Then I joined a gym and decided going during the early morning would be easiest (although if we are honest the gym mornings happened for like a week). The truth is I just haven't made time for what should be the most important thing in my life.

I struggle with the guilt of this daily. I know I am in a relationship with my Savior. That is never of any doubt to me. But I struggle with the guilt of not spending the time with Him I know I should. I know I'm not alone. I know a lot of us struggle with knowing we need to be making more time for Him, but struggling to find the time to just make it through the day period. I love Jesus a lot but it's hard for me to even think about getting up at 4:30 am. Seriously...

But I have to do better. Spending time in the Word makes me a better mom, it makes me a better wife, it makes me a better daughter, I'm pretty sure it makes me a better person.

I want to be the mom that has it all together. I have Pinterest pages galore with crafty ideas, DIY projects and recipes that would impress my family's socks off. But most days, I'm lucky to crawl out of bed, brush my hair (today I'm pretty sure there's baby snot in my hair and on my shirt), brush my teeth, pack a lunch, eat breakfast, get the boy up, dressed, ready and out the door. Most nights when I turn off his light, I am so ready to go to sleep I can't think about working out, prepping meals for the next day, or anything other than crawling myself right back into that big, fluffy bed. I have these dreams in my head of what I could be accomplishing, but 9 times out of 10 ... they are just that...dreams!

This is not what I envisioned motherhood would be.

But I want to do better. I've got to believe (maybe because it's all I've got to hold on to at this point) that if I got my priorities straightened out things might move a little more smoothly. Honestly, I had great intentions of getting up early this morning, but after a night where the boy coughed himself awake about 6 times, I reset that blasted alarm before it even had the chance to go off. You know what that resulted in, me running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get us out the door. Oh and me getting to work 10 minutes late! (Mad props to single moms! Seriously ... I am in awe of you. You have my utmost respect and admiration.) This is how I imagine I left the house this morning...

I want more than this. I want order instead of chaos. Yes, I give myself some grace. This season of our life lends itself to chaos. But I want more. I may not be the Pinterest mom of the year. I may be buying our halloween candy for daycare. The boy may be eating a lot of mac and cheese and peanut butter and jelly, but I want to try for more.

I want to be content in this season. I want to be at ease. I don't want to be striving day in and day out reaching for this unattainable goal. I want to feel the freedom of letting it go and just being.

At the end of the day I love my son, more than life. I love my husband. I love my parents. I love them so much that I want to be the best me that I can possibly be for them.

I want to give them more than just getting by. I want to give them peace and calm. I want to give them Jesus. And I guess that means I need to get my butt up out of bed so that I can spend some time having him fill me up, so that I have something to pour out on those that I love.