So Now What?

Well I poured out my soul yesterday and then last night I found myself asking okay so now what? I’ve acknowledged I have a problem. I work with addicts, I know that’s the first step. But that seems like the only step I know how to take.

Here’s what I’m going to say … I got a lot of responses yesterday, both positive and negative. Here is what I am taking away … I am not only one struggling through this season of life but being open, honest, raw and messy about these struggles makes people uncomfortable. People don’t like to be uncomfortable.

I own 100% that I am the one putting myself out there and so there will be criticism. There will be feedback that is hard to take, but today I decided it’s okay because I know I am not alone in this. There are others who feel defeated. There are others who want to give up.  There are others who are doing the very best they can to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. So I will write for them, because I want us to feel normal. I want us to know that just because people have made us feel like it is not okay to talk about the way we feel, it can be okay for us.

So what now?

I asked myself that question a lot yesterday and today. I had secretly hoped that I would be honest, I would lay it all out there and today I would wake up feeling healed, better and ready to face life. I thought things would maybe be easier to deal with today. You guys… not even. Today was one of the hardest days I’ve had. I literally had to get in my car and have a crying meltdown while trying to order a Diet Coke from the drive thru girl. I felt her looking at me like, “Child, bless your heart.” I have felt more overwhelmed, more stressed, more tired and more done all in this one day. But here is what I tried today…when I felt like I was about to break, when I could not take it anymore, I reached out. I sent a text to a friend I knew would be there and said I’m sinking…lift me up…and they did. They responded almost immediately, let me know I wasn’t alone, they grounded me and let me tell you they were praying. I know it with everything in me. 

  

Another step I’m taking besides reaching out is I’m paying more attention to what I put into my head. Here’s the thing, I was taught from early on garbage in = garbage out. There have been times in my life when I tried to convince myself that the music I was listening to, etc. wasn’t really affecting me. Honestly, there are times in my life when Luke Bryan is just what the doctor ordered. But for me, for right now, the messages I’m putting into my head and my heart are more important than ever. So…my radio dials are set to Christian music (I’ll be back Luke…wait for me ;)!) because I need that positive message being put into my head as much as possible.

I also went on a podcasting downloading frenzy. I’m in my car A LOT right now and this is a good time for me to be fed. (Which is another point, I hope I remember to make in a second.) So anyways, I found a few good recommendations and downloaded like crazy. The first one I turned on yesterday was divinely for me. It’s a podcast called “Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey.” I listened to her latest episode with Jess Connolly.  Since then I’ve gone all the way back to episode 1 from last year and started over. It’s not a heavy hitting sermon series (although I need that too) but it is more just like girlfriends talking. I’m hooked. This first episode had a moment that I truly believe I was meant to hear. Jess was talking about how she has hit a point in her life when she is struggling with something where she just throws her hands up and says “I am taking myself out of the running for this.” So if it’s a body image issue she just says, “I am taking myself out of the running for having the best bikini body.” If it’s a mom issue, “I am taking myself out of the running for mom of the year.” It’s a simple gesture (and maybe cheesy) but you guys I’ve done it like 5 times today. I have thrown up my hands and said (yes literally out loud), “I am taking myself out of the running for knowing all the answer to this.” “I am taking myself out of the running for having the highest GPA.” “I’m taking myself out of the running for making everyone around me happy.” It seems so simple to say it out but it has been freeing for me today.

I think that as I put more positive, Jesus things into my head, my mindset is slowly going to change. Now it didn’t happen overnight (ask my friend, they will vouch for that), actually I was more crazy town today probably…but I’m hoping it’s because I’m more aware of it because I’m acknowledging it instead of just avoiding it.

Here’s a list of some podcasts that I recommend:

Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey

The Lively Show

The God Centered Mom Podcast

Also as far as sermony type stuff, I’ve tried:

Tim Keller

Great, Great. Great. But not a weekly podcast. 

Radical. David Platt

Austin New Church

Disclaimer: I've only listened to one, the audio quality was struggling but this was good stuff...really good. 

Finally, I’ve decided I’m going to focus on one big thing that I feel like needs fixed in me right now. First up I’ve picked prayer. Here’s the honest ugly truth … I’m not sure I really know how to pray. I know I feel your eyes bugging out of your head, but weren’t you a youth pastor’s wife? Haven’t you grown up in the church and been a Christian for like 25 years? I know, I know … the truth is I know what I’ve been taught and/or told where praying is concerned. But I can honestly tell you the discipline of prayer does not exist in my life. There I’ve said it. People tell me, just pray about it, take it to God … and I know what they are saying and I know what it means, but for me I don’t feel like I’m there. So (and this is another one of my new goals I’m working on) I’m seeking out books and words from other people who have been in this place and come out on the other side. A few weeks ago I bought this book:  Found: A Story of Questions, Grace & Everyday Prayer. I’m not done yet, but I’m clinging to every page. I feel like she heard my heart. I’m reveling in the quiet, simple way she is approaching this thing called prayer. I reactivated my Goodreads account and set a goal to read 20 books for the rest of the year. Taking in good words … that’s something that has helped me before and I am going to make time for it again.

This might be a bit of a rambling post tonight … but I’m just working on taking the next step. I’m working on filling up my life with good things and making sure there’s no room for the ugly stuff to take over…one day at a time.

So for now that’s what’s next. 

Everything is Not Okay

Weighted Down…that’s the only way I can fully describe the feeling in my soul. I know that sounds melodramatic and most of you are probably thinking here comes the drama queen, but it is the honest truth – I feel this heaviness, this weight in my soul, that I’m not sure I know another way to describe it.  

I’ve written about depression before. I’ve talked about how it manifests itself in my life. I’ve described the darkness. But I haven’t lately … and you know why, because this time I didn’t stop the darkness when I felt it creeping in. This time I let it totally consume me. I let it invade every empty space in me and just take over.

I am terrified to write this post. I’ve actually started and stopped more times than I care to admit. Why? Because this post is real. This post brings the walls down and it says to people, this, this is who I really am. There are no more pretenses, no more masks, and no more games…just me. I’m terrified of what people will say, I’m terrified of their reactions…but I think I’ve finally hit the point where I’m more terrified of what ignoring it is doing to me. So here I am…This is me.

I have given up.

I’m not sure when it happened. I can’t pin point for you the exact moment I just threw up my hands and said I’m done. My hubs and maybe one close friend could identify it better than I. But it happened, and when it happened I went back to doing what I do best – faking it. Just going through the motions. It has served me well in the past and it is comfortable for me. I know what is expected of me. I know what people like and want to see and hear – so I oblige. “Yes, I’m doing great.” “Just taking it one day at a time.” Blah, blah, blah … When the reality is I am barely surviving, actually some days I’m really not even surviving. But it’s easier to say I’m fine. It’s less messy.

But I made a promise to myself 2 years ago that I wasn’t going to be okay with fake. I was going to dive into the messy and let it be what it is regardless of what people say or think. I was going to talk about the hard, talk about the unpleasant, talk about the darkness, talk about the mess. But somewhere along the way it got too hard. But I have a friend who asked me some really hard questions this weekend. One of which was why am I letting my mom’s disease destroy my marriage…destroy me? Touché. It was actually a hard pill for me to swallow. But one I needed to hear.

I have let this disease devastate me. I have let it steal from me. It is already stealing my mother, but I realized that it is stealing my joy too.

People don’t talk about depression. They don’t talk about anxiety. It’s too messy. I get that. I also get that the internet does not need my words regarding the subject. But I need to write them. I need people to understand what it feels like. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety before.  I’ve had the moments where I felt like driving my car into oncoming traffic. This time it’s different. This time it just feels heavy. I struggled to really recognize it at first. It felt normal to be feeling overwhelmed with all that we are dealing with. But I didn’t realize how bad it was getting until I was too far gone.

This heaviness makes it hard to breathe. It makes it hard to function. I have so much on my plate that I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Get up, go to work, go to school, go back to work, go home, smile and nod, go to bed, start again … But I don’t feel anything … but numb. When I do feel something, I feel it so dramatically, so intensely, so disproportionately that it scares everyone around me.

I worry constantly. But this time is different… I know the problems are there. I know there are decisions to be made, things to do and I. just. Don’t. care.

I’m tired. Tired of feeling anything and everything…just tired.

That’s messy isn’t it? It’s hard. No one wants to hear it. We all know it’s out there but we just want people to grin and bear it. We want them to smile and nod because that is comfortable to us.

After a really bad day this week, someone made the comment to me that every day is a good day for them. Regardless of their struggles, they choose to make it a great day. I wish it was that easy for me. But it’s not and no matter how well-meaning you are trying to be, your telling me about how awesome you are does nothing for me, except make me feel guilt about not being as good as you. So I want to be the voice that tells people it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to be tired, to be scared, to be done … but I also want to be the voice that tells people it will get better. I haven’t figured out how yet, but I believe it has to be.

Somehow in the messiness of this life I’ve lost me. But I am going to find myself again, I’m going to find my way back and I’m going to be better than I was before and once I’m back I’m going to spend my life telling people that it does get better and that even when it doesn’t you are still going to be okay.

 

Not Without a Fight

Seriously...how is it July 2nd??!

I made a bunch of blog goals, I set out to start brand new on June 1 and now it is July 2nd and I've made one post. Ugh, so frustrating. At the same time I've been swamped. School this summer is kicking my tail, work is crazy town and well life just got away from me.

The past month has been eventful. It's been hard, filled with lots of tears, but we've made some beautiful memories as well. Asher turned two! How that is even possible is beyond me, but he did! He is talking up a storm and I feel like he develops a new skill every single day! This is one of my favorites from his party ...

We saw our doctor this month. We did an MRI to compare with last years which was in October. The change was significant. This stupid stupid disease ... I wish we could make it stop progressing as quickly as it is. The doctor was surprised at the rate of progression. He changed his prognosis and we started a new medicine. We've moved well into the moderate stage. It stinks, but it is what it is. I've learned over the past few years that fighting what is wastes time and energy that could be better spent elsewhere. I don't always get it right, actually I probably get it wrong 9 times out of 10. So I guess saying I learned it is a stretch lol, I am learning ... that's probably more like it. The worst part of our visit came at the end when our doctor let us know he is going to Cal Tech. Ugh! It was heartbreaking for my mom and so frustrating for dad and I. This doctor has been nothing short of amazing and losing him is devestating.

Life with Alzheimer's is difficult. That's laughable ... life with Alzheimer's sucks. There are days when she can't form a sentence to save her life. We spend hours looking for something that she can't remember what it is we are looking for. We stress over E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. That one is tough for me. She fixates on things (most of the time not whole truths mind you) and completely fixates on them. She worries and stresses and worries and stresses and it doesn't matter how many times you explain it ... she's still going to worry or stress. Those are the days that usually end with tears. Somedays they are mine, somedays they are hers ... It is so incredibly hard to watch someone go from being one of the strongest, smartest people I've ever known to not being able to put her shoes on the right feet. But this disease sucks.

I do have to say if there is any one person who has completely blown me away (besides my husband who is the saint to end all saints) it would be my father. I have seen this man turn into the most selfless, giving person over the past year. He spends practically all day everyday with my mom. They watch TV, work in the garden, go to the store ... it is a blessing if there can be one in all of this and for that I am so incredibly grateful.

Can I just vent for one minute? I watched a clip on the news this morning about Alzheimer's and the effects that the disease has on a family. Do you want to know how old the people suffering from the disease were? Yeah 70's and 80's, each one had children in their 50s and 60s helping take care of them. Have you seen the new commercial for the alzheimer's drug Namenda? Have you noticed how those people in the ads are in their later stages of life? This is something that has been driving me crazy lately. CRAZY! Alzheimer's is not just a disease that affects old people. My mom is 55. FIFTY FIVE! She still has so much life that is supposed to be left. Yet, all you hear about when you hear about dementia and alzheimer's is people in their 70's and 80's. Again...(yes I whine about this alot) I mean absolutely no disrespect to people dealing with this god-awful disease later in their life. It is still difficult and hard and horrible. I would not wish it on anyone. However, dealing with it with my 80 year old grandma is so incredibly different that my 55 year old mother.

I just find myself so frustrated. Why does no one talk about this disease? How is it 2015 and there is such little progress being made? Our doctor said one thing that has stuck out with me. Yes, this is a horrible disease, but too often people just dimiss it because most people suffering from it have already lived most of their lives. It doesn't have the same appeal and star power that other disease get and frankly, that just makes me so angry.

Back in February, I decided to raise money and awareness by doing the Walk to End Alzheimer's. The walk isn't until September so I haven't been pushing it much lately, but it is time to ramp up the awareness. The cold hard reality is, this disease is prevalent on my side of the family as well as Chris's, that doesn't bode well for my little Asher man. I have an elevated risk for developing this disease early as well. Want me to put it in perspective for you? The doctors believe the onset for my mother was 6-10 years ago. Let's go with 6 ... that' would put her at 49. I'm 33. That means I have an elevated risk of developing this disease around that same time frame as well. Being generous that would say I have about 17-20 years. I do not want my sweet little Asher man to have to deal with the things we are dealing with now. I want there to be better meds, better options, heck, a cure! But if not for me I especially want it for him. He is an even higher risk. So I'm doing this walk to raise awareness. I'm doing this walk to raise money for research, but most importantly I am doing this wak to show my mom that she is not alone.

So far we have 10 team members counting my mom and I. We have raised $745 of our $2000 goal. Who is willing to stand with us? Who is willing to give time and/or money? So many of you have reached out to us and let us know you are with us. You've told us we aren't fighting alone. So who will step up?

Follow this link...

http://act.alz.org/site/TR/Walk2015/OK-Oklahoma?team_id=259183&pg=team&fr_id=7738    

and join us. Every little bit helps. Let's set a record. Let's make a stand and let's show this stupid disease we aren't going down without a fight! Who's with us??