He is Enough

Well technically I haven’t been on a break, but it sure feels like it. I’ve been busy and just plain overwhelmed and I just haven’t had a lot of time to blog. Our computer broke and that also put a damper on my blogging activities. But now I am up and running again.

I have to tell you that for the past probably 8 months I have felt weary. That is the best word to express the emotions in my heart. It’s more than just tired. It’s more than just stressed and overwhelmed. It is weariness. I feel drained. This situation going on with my mom is bigger than I had imagined. I’m still holding out hope for a quick and easy fix, but at this point I’ve resigned myself to the fact that until we can get some answers, I’m pretty much a caretaker. 

Don’t get me wrong she can still do a lot, but she also struggles a lot and with that comes the responsibility of helping her out. It’s rough because I don’t mind it, not even a little bit. I would do this one hundred times over in a heartbeat. She is my mother. I love her unconditionally. It’s what you do. However, she realizes that I am having to “help” a lot. She has begun to feel like a burden. I NEVER want her to feel like a burden. I try to disguise the “help” as something fun, but just because her mind is fuzzy right now doesn’t mean she’s not  still sharp. She knows…and it bothers her. In my overprotective, I don’t want anything to bother her stage, I try to insist and bargain and persuade to let her know I don’t mind. She has trained me well and God has prepared me for this … and just to let it be for a while.  

But I can’t imagine someone coming in and taking over balancing my checkbook, taking me grocery shopping, and checking in with me when I am alone a ridiculous amount of times. I can’t imagine how she must feel and that is what truly breaks my heart. It is what truly leaves me feeling drained. Not because I mind any of it but because I want to fix all of it. I want to make her better. I want to help her find her old self and for things to go back to the way they used to be.

Over the past week we have noticed a sharp decline in her mental functioning. I’m hoping it was just a result of stress from my grandma’s funeral, but honestly I’m scared. I don’t understand why we can’t get answers. I don’t understand why she’s getting worse. I don’t understand any of it. And I’m tired …

But you know what I was reminded of over the last week. God is still good. Even when the world’s gone gray and the rain’s here to stay He is still good. He offers rest for my weary soul and I can lean heavy on Him. He is strong enough to bear my burdens.

He is enough …

I don’t have to get it all right. I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to have it all together. I can just be me and I can take me and lay it down at his feet and it is enough for him.

I needed that today. I need to just sit at his feet and rest. I need to allow the truth that I am not in control, I cannot change circumstances and I’m along for this ride no matter where it takes me just wash over me today. God just wants me ... isn't that good news today? 

Update

I realized after my tired, exhausted post on facebook last night that not everyone has put two and two together and not everyone has a clue what I'm talking about. So, I thought I'd do a post this morning to fill those of you in that care. Those that don't ... well good day to ya!

About a year ago in January, my family started noticing some changes in my mom's behaviors. She would have trouble finding a word when she was trying to tell you something. Eventually this turned into phrases and even entire conversations. As time passed we noticed that simple things she had always been able to do she was struggling with. For example, following a recipe, writing a check, etc. She seemed to be confused all of the time. Places that were completely familiar to her became places where she was lost and could not find her way. Finally, in January I went with her to a doctor's appointment. I conveyed all of this things to the doctor (a term I'm learning to use loosely) and he prescribed her a heavy antidepressant. While as a family we knew she was struggling with depression and anxiety this just did not seem to be the answer. Finally, I gave all this information to our resident family doctor. She made me get her into a doctor immediately. With the help of friends and a small town she was seen by another doctor who took our situation a little more seriously. We had a cat scan and pet scan done. The doctors were throwing around words like brain tumors and early onset dementia and I found myself begging God for anything curable. About two weeks ago they gave us the results of the pet scan and said things looked normal. They wanted us to see a specialist in Oklahoma City.

Our appointment was yesterday afternoon. The doctors from Altus had not sent any of the test results to the specialist so he had nothing to go off of. So we have no answers, nothing to report. This specialist has ordered more tests and more waiting. However, we recognize these are the hoops. We aren't the first family to jump through them and we won't be the last.

I promised to be real on this blog and so I will. It's frustrating, it's hard and I'm tired. I want answers that don't seem to come, help that doesn't seem to appear and a peace I can't seem to wrap my arms around. But in these moments when I feel like I'm drowning I cling to the hope all around me.

This is my Resurrection Song

This is my Hallelujah Come 

This is why its to you I run

There's no space that His love can't reach 

There's no place that we can't find peace

There's on end to Amazing Grace ... 

God is big enough friends. He is, for whatever you are going through, he is big enough. Whatever your battle at the moment is, He's got your back. He's fighting for you. For me right now, I'm learning to lay down my weapon and just rest in Him. I'm learning to let him be enough... in the questioning, in the doubting, in the hurt and in the fear - he is enough.

There is no telling what answers will come. It could be simple, it could be hard. It could be easy, it could be scary...but regardless, we will choose to trust He is who is greater.

I'll work to keep you updated and I will continue to post about my journey ... because the truth is it's good for me.

:)