Making Memories

The weekend getaway was really so needed. We were able to just kind of leave everything here at home and just get away. It was nice. It allowed me to really be removed from the situation at home and just think through all the possibilities with this new job. Honestly, I think if I’d stayed here I would not have taken the job. Being in this environment everyday just cements for me that mom can’t be alone, so I think I would have convinced myself that this is where I needed to be. But I was able to get away, I was able to think clearly and I’m pretty happy with my decision. I actually think it is going to be good for ALL of us.

Leaving Friday was a nightmare. Mom got really confused and she just didn’t understand and it all just fell apart. Those are the moments that it is really hard for me and I have to keep reminding myself that the person in front of me is being controlled by something they can’t help. It’s really not my mom in that moment and that’s so hard. I miss my mom. You guys, I miss her so much. I miss the confident, strong, secure person that she was. This disease is just so brutal.

When we got home (we ended up driving back on Sunday afternoon/night due to weather coming in) Mom and I decided to run to Lawton on Monday for a Sam’s trip. One of the things I’ve been thinking on a lot lately is what I want for this blog to be. I mean I want it to be a place that can keep family and friends updated on what’s going on with and us and how mom is doing. But I also think I want it to be a place that will hold some memories for me. So I want to start taking more pictures and writing more about the things we are doing and the memories we are making! So in that attempt, I loaded her up (just the two of us – which she mentioned about 100 times how she enjoys doing things just the two of us ;)!) and away we went.

We actually had a really nice day. I actually don’t really enjoy taking mom grocery shopping for a few reasons. The biggest being she is a wanderer. She just kind of takes off and if you are not watching or prepared you can lose her. That might not seem like a big deal but oh it definitely can be. But she did really good at staying with me. This disease causes her to be really distracted but that can actually be kind of humorous at times. You can be in mid conversation and she’s like Oh Jackets! I need a jacket! And just takes off. Anyways we had lunch together, loaded up on groceries and made it home just as the boy was waking up from his nap. She really missed him over the weekend and so she wanted to have some good grandbaby time.

I finally got to talk to our Dr. We’ve been missing each other for the past two weeks. I’ve been wanting to talk to him about how she’s been doing since we switched her meds. When he called (and yes, I am actually talking about the doctor. That is one thing that continues to blow me away!) we talked for almost half an hour. He went through a lot of questions trying to understand her cognitive functioning and I answered as best I could. (After we hung up I talked to my dad, the hubs, my brother, and my mom’s best friend to talk through the questions and make sure I answered them honestly, because I recognize I am SO close to this situation. I know that there are days that I think she is getting bad so quickly, but maybe I am just too close). Dr. Wu was really surprised at how quickly she is declining. Several people who have seen mom over the last few weeks have made similar comments. So we are going to go meet with him again for him to do some cognitive testing (he does this on every visit to document the decline) and talk about different meds and options. 

The thing I constantly battle is knowing she won’t get better. There is NOTHING he can do, no medicine he can give, no test we can do, there is NO fix. I hate that! So much! But I’ll keep you posted on what the doctor does say and what the plans are for now.

I have taken the new job. Even though I won’t be home all day every day there is A LOT of flexibility with this new position and I think it will be good for all of us. Honestly, I have to get out of this house. I am here 24 hours a day and it is definitely taking a toll on me. I’m excited. I think it’s a great opportunity for me and I think it is going to be really good.

Mom is definitely a little nervous. Any change at all is terrifying in her mind, but Dad is going to be home with her a lot and I think overall it will be good for all of us.

Just a reminder, I’ve created a team to do the Walk to End Alzheimer’s in OKC on September 12. We have a team goal of $2000 and I have a personal goal of $1000. So far as a team we have raised $540, so we are off to an awesome start! If you are interested in walking with us, raising money, or just giving to support the cause click the picture below for more information! 

Walk to End Alzheimer's

Impromptu Weekend Away

Well without much discussion we decided to take an impromptu trip to Tennessee this weekend. It has been a really rough two weeks and honestly, I just wanted to get away.

I hate this disease. I hate what it is doing to us. I hate that it is making me feel like I need to get away from it all. But it is hard. Living there 24/7 is hard. So we decided to take advantage of a three day weekend and just get away.

We drove 10 hours to Tennessee and have been loving getting to just relax and not really worry about anything at all. This is how we've spent our Valentine's Day so far (well apart from my napping!)

It has really been a good break for us. I think regardless of what others think sometimes you just need to get away from the situation, find a little breathing room, and for me that's really what I needed this Valentine's Day.

I have something big on the horizon that I'm really trying to pray over this weekend. I am finishing up two masters right now, one in School Counseling and one in Professional Counseling. I will be finished with both by next May. I have been offered a really good opportunity with a very reputable Community Mental Health Center. Basically, if I take this job, I will have an easy avenue into a therapist position within the next year. BUT it comes at a cost because I would not be at home with mom all day, but one thing I've really learned over the last few months is that I can't be her full time caregiver. So when it comes to the point where she can't be alone at all - It can't be me. That's a hard pill to swallow. But I want to have a relationship with my mom, I don't want to spend what precious little time we have left resenting her and vice versa.

So I'm really leaning towards accepting this job. Would you just pray with me, that I would know without a doubt what choice is best in this situation? I'd really appreciate it!

I'm off to enjoy the rest of this Valentine's Day with two really handsome dudes. Regardless of where we are or what we are doing - they make life so much fun!

Happy Valentine's Day! Take some time to appreciate and enjoy the ones you love!


PS - I have created a team for the Walk to End Alzheimer's 2015. Here's a link to my page! Please join us in this fight either by giving money to support our cause or by signing up to walk with us!

Walk to End Alzheimer's 

Getting Intentional

Let me tell you what is hard … It is hard to watch your mother stand outside of the elevator hitting the arrow above trying to get the elevator door to open and take her to third floor. It is hard to watch her sitting on the floor in front of the stove trying to figure out how she is supposed to get the “hot thing” to come on. It is hard to watch her look at someone you know she has known forever and have no recollection of who they are. There are so many things that are hard.

This disease is moving so quickly. At the same time I’m realizing that we still have a long time to fight this disease ahead of us. There are so very many things that are uncertain that I thought we would have figured out. I’m learning to try and live in the chaos. Those of you that know me probably understand that in itself is difficult for me. I like order. I like a plan. This disease has really taken all of that from me. I fight against more  days that I’d like to admit but I am trying to figure out how to live in the moment, to take each day at a time.

I feel like I need to do something. So in that spirit I have decided to the OKC Walk to End Alzheimer’s in September. I have set a very lofty goal of raising $1000, but I believe we can do this! People ask me all the time what can we do, this is what we can do! We can donate our time, donate our money so that more research can be done. In my darkest days I realize that while this may not save my mom or even me, it might help my son. So this is truly important to me!

I’d love to make a team, if anyone else is interested! But for now, it’s just me asking you to donate what you can to help us end this horrible disease. It has to start somewhere so why not with us.

Here’s my page for more information:

http://act.alz.org/site/TR/Walk2015/General?px=9952010&pg=personal&fr_id=7738