Powerless

There are days when I literally just don't think I can do it anymore. This is one of them. It's not pretty. It's not right. Heck, it's not my best. But it's where I am. 

Every single thing I thought could go semi right today, went wrong. I am just spent. I'm just kind of over it all. I don't need to be reminded that I'm not in control. TRUST. ME. I hear that loud and clear. 

I know who is and I'm grateful for that, but today I'm left feeling a little angry and a little bitter. The past year of life has not been so kind to us. Yes, things are turning around and for that I'm grateful. Yes, we have the best gift ever in little man, I am not denying that. I'm just saying things have been hard. 

My checking account has hit $0.00 more than I care to admit. I have bills with late fees stacked up on my desk by which is the highest fee that must be paid first. I get phone calls from the awesome hospital collectors on pretty much a weekly basis. Here's the thing I want to pay you. I'd love to give you all my money and be done with you and I promise I will just as soon as I have it. 

This is not where I thought I would be in my 30's. So very far from it. 

Today getting my mom on a plane was a nightmare. We should have called the whole trip off a hundred times. My dear, sweet, precious (can you tell I'm sucking up?) husband took her and my mammaw to the airport at 5 this morning. He stayed with them until they were almost ready to board their flight. The flight was delayed but all looked good so he went on his way. An hour later, the flight had been cancelled and pure chaos and panic ensued. After me having to put my foot down twice, I was ready to call the whole thing off. People DO NOT understand traveling with dementia. 

Change is petrifiying. We know circumstances are beyond our control but we try our best to control those circumstances to keep her calm and focused. Change does not have to be big. If I moved a chair in my living room that could throw her off for weeks. Cancelling a flight, changing gates, planes, etc., that is HUGE. The anxiety alone would make me cringe, let alone someone in a completely unfamilair surrounding. So let's just say it was rough. 

I sat down at the end of the day, done. Totally spent and really over it all. I'm so tired. I feel like I have no time, no money, no nothing. I'd hoped to be able to get away with just my boys this weekend but that backfired when the electric bill showed up. Anyways out of my control I know... 

I sat down, put my head in my hands and cried. 

It was probably an ugly cry. But I didn't care. 

Life is hard. I spent half of my night last night trying to convince a teenager that while life is hard she has to finish school. I want better than mediocrity for her, for all of my students. But I get it Life. Is. Hard. 

Anyway, sitting at my desk crying I heard my email ding. I looked up and saw this in the subject line: 

You are Not Powerless: One Way to be a Beloved Warrior This Week

You are not powerless. You are NOT powerless. 

Sarah Bessey said, "Sometimes I feel quite powerless and small." (Oh me too, so me too.) "I don't think I'm alone in that feeling." (You so clearly are not.) "The heart of the world is breaking wide open, particularly during this summer of sorrow, and we feel powerless to help." (Can I get an amen? I might have even hollered out loud in my classroom and our sweet custodian came running out to make sure I was okay...oops!) 

I feel powerless in so many situations. I feel powerless in my finances. I feel powerless in the situation with my mother. I feel powerless in my husband's happiness. 

On a grander scheme I feel powerless about the Fergusen situation and the chaos and violence across our world. I feel powerless about so many, many things going on around me today. 

But I am NOT powerless. 

"We've not been called to the people-pleasing life, to the approval seeking life, to the bow-down-give-up life or the sit-down-and-shut-up life. We've been  called to the peace-making life, the truth-telling life, the she-who-the-Son-sets-free-is-free-indeed life. 

We've been called to the spirit-filled and God-breathed life, living out the ways of the Kingdom and the life in Christ to every corner of our humanity. We've been called to the life of the beloved. We've been called to the life of the disciple. We are NOT powerless."

(www.sarahbessy.com)

I may not be much. I may be only one. But I can make a difference. I may not be called to be on the front lines, but I can live in this place of "beautiful obscurity" and still follow hard after my calling. 

I can pray. I can listen. I can be.

I don't want to turn a blind eye to what is going on around me. I want to be an active participant no matter how hard life is. Yes, today sucked. Tomorrow might suck too, but I am not powerless. 

As Sarah Bessey wrote last week, "Sometimes, absolutely, mountains move in a great sweep, picked up and cast out into the sea. But these days I find that God often asks us to move a mountain one small stone at a time. Faithfulness is picking up my small stones, instead of screwing my eyes shut and denying the existence of the mountain."

Faithfulness is picking up my small stones. 

So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to take a deep breath. I'm going to let this day go. I'm going to focus on how I can make a difference. How I can listen better. How I can pray better. How I can be better. How I can better pick up my stones. 

Because the truth is life is hard. None of us have it easy, but we all have each other. We have been called to the life of the beloved. I'm gonna just sit on that one for a while. 

I miss my mom...

I miss my mom.  I hate this disease so much. It is so deceiving. There are days and weeks when apart from little things it’s like everything is normal and then bam! It all catches up to you.

This past weekend was tough. I’m not entirely sure why, lack of sleep maybe. Regardless, she just struggled. What should have been a quick in and out trip to Walmart ended up taking us over 2 hours. I cannot tell you how thrilled I am that Chris is going to be home on the weekends with us. On weekends like this past one when mom’s struggling and Asher’s teething – let’s just say I set myself up for a meltdown.

Mom and her mom are supposed to be going to Tennessee. The original plan was that they would ride to Dallas with our aunt, get a hotel, shuttle to the airport on Thursday and fly out Thursday morning. I went down to help her pack last night and let’s just say that plan fell apart.

Here’s the thing. People don’t talk about early dementia. They don’t talk about what it’s like. They don’t talk about the crying, the screaming, the anxiety, the fear. They just don’t.

Her world is no longer the same. Everything has changed. This once confident, assured woman is reduced to a terrified shamble at the mere thought of change. It is debilitating. It is terrifying. It breaks my heart.

It’s moments like these that make me realize things are never going to be the same. The mom I once knew is never going to come back. These are the nights that it is hard.

These are the mornings I wake up and I HATE this disease. I hate what it is doing to my mother. I hate what it is doing to our family. I hate what it is doing to me. I. HATE. IT.

I’m working on finding my peace this morning. I’m reminding myself that

He is in control. He is my quiet place. He has got this. He has not left me or abandoned me, even though today it really, really feels like it. 

This y'all.

I read this blog today. I LOVE me some Jen Hatmaker. Seriously. Like creepy, stalker, swear she wants to be my BFF kinda love.

But I just want to share this. Her letter to her former self. You guys. SO. GOOD.

Enjoy ... (just click the link below. Feel free to spend ALL the time there in her blog. She is all sorts of fantastical)!

Jen Hatmaker - BLOG

"This is the beginning of the rest of your life. Embrace it all – all the struggle, all the tension, all the humility, all the beauty. It is safe to be faithful to a faithful God."

I want to love like this. I want to follow like this. I want a holy passion that drives me.

I just wanted to share because maybe someone needs this today as much as I did.

Hope.

Hope is such a fickle thing. One minute it’s there, then it’s gone, then it’s there again. 

I honestly had no expectations this morning. I came to this doctor’s appointment mainly because my dad can’t hear well and my mom can’t remember things, so we figured we needed someone able to communicate with the doctor. 

After our last appointment I have just kind of been done with doctors. We’ve struggled to get into another doctor in Oklahoma City and so when a friend recommended this doctor at Texas Tech it seemed like a good option for us. 

They’d said great things about him. They didn’t lie. 

The very first thing he did was meet with my dad and me. He took us in a separate room, pulled up a chair and talked to us. We started at the beginning. He asked questions as we went and sometimes just listened to let us get it all out. Then he took us back to the lobby and went and met with mom for about an hour. We both were so impressed. Never, not once did our previous doctor talk to us without mom present. In the half hour we spent with Dr. Wu he spoke to us more than our previous doctor ever had. One of the things I liked best was he didn’t just talk at us. He heard us. He wrote down our concerns. He offered advice. Such a difference! 

After meeting with mom, he called us all together. This is the gist of what he told us. (For those of you who might be curious gist is defined as :). 

He is not convinced my mother has Lewy Body Dementia. He absolutely agrees there is something very wrong but he’s not sure yet what that is. It is a very real possibility it could be dementia. However, there are some very important tests that were never completed that we need the answers to in order to have a complete understanding of what we are dealing with then. For example, no one has checked to make sure there is not an infection that has affected part of her brain. So he has ordered a few tests. We are going to do an MRI and then a spinal tap. Then he will meet with us again to discuss results. The spinal tap alone can check for up to 50 different causes for what is happening to her. One of my very favorite things he said is that he believes we need to figure out the CAUSE. You can throw medicine at anything but if you aren’t fixing the CAUSE it’s a waste of time. 

Speaking of meds. He took her off hers. He says that the Alzheimer’s meds we were on is actually not beneficial at all. It is basically the standard med for a neurologist to prescribe who is just not sure what is actually causing the ailments. So until we know unequivocally what we are dealing with we don’t need those meds. He also said those meds could be contributing to her nightmares and dreams. He also changed up another drug that he was very unhappy they had put her on.

Mom deals best in specifics these days so at the end of the visit she asked him if he thinks she does not have dementia. He told her honestly he wants to be sure. There are too many other things that it could be that no one checked for before giving us a diagnosis. He told her that he wants to find out what we are dealing with so that he can find the best course of treatment. He explained that if it is alzheimer’s or dementia, it cannot be treated, but it can be managed. 

You guys, his staff left at 12:00 to go to lunch, we’d been there since 9:30. He stayed with us talking until 12:50. Never once did he try to rush us out. He let us keep asking questions, he let mom repeat most of the questions she had already asked twice. He was so kind to us. 

We know that the reality is most likely still dementia, but we have someone who is willing to help us versus throwing a med at us and telling us let’s catch up in a year and see how things are. 

I don’t really think he gave me hope of a different diagnosis (other than I don’t think he thinks for one minute we are dealing with Lewy Body Dementia) but I think he gave me hope that we can try things. We don’t have to just sit back and hope that one day something might help. He gave me hope that there are doctors who care about more than just medicine; they care about their patients. 

I saw someone who invested in US today. He probably has no clue what that has meant to our little family in our little corner of the world. But it was huge. 

Who knows what the future will hold? I sure don’t. There will be many more ups and probably twice as many downs. There will be hard days and then even harder ones…but the end doesn’t feel like it is closing in on us. For this day the darkness feels just a little bit farther off. 

Isn’t that what hope is?

He is SO close to the brokenhearted ...

You guys. Today. I. am. so. tired. But it has been a good day. My students were awesome and I'm excited about this new year. After almost a year of uncertainty, frustration, screaming and lots of crying it looks like my husband is going to have a good, stable job! That's huge for us! So it has been a great day!

I haven't blogged in a while, but I've been meaning to. I've just been so busy. Life just keeps moving on ...

I came home today after a really long, exhausting day. Whoever said there's no tired like teacher on the first day back at school tired was so right. Anyways I was so busy today I didn't really spend anytime online or keeping up with the cool kids. So when I got home I took a few minutes and read some Facebook and a few of the blogs I follow.

There are times when I write because I have something I want to say. There are other times I write because there is literally something burning inside of me. Tonight is one of those times.

I clicked on a link that took me to a blog written by a well known Christian blogger. Honestly, I know better than to read this guy's blog. We disagree on a lot of things and I usually get myself all worked up when I venture into the realm of his thoughts. But today I read it. I felt like I had been sucker punched in the stomach. The words he wrote were full of such arrogance and chastisement.

There was this...

"No, we are more than our brains and bigger than our bodies. Depression is a mental affliction, yes, but also spiritual. That isn't to say that a depressed person is evil or weak, just that his depression is deeper and more profound than a simple matter of disproportioned brain chemicals."

Then this...

"Second, we can debate medication dosages and psychotherapy treatments, but, in the end, joy is the only thing that defeats depression. No depressed person in the history of the world has ever been in the depths of despair and at the heights of joy at the same time."

I remember the day very clearly. We were living in this little town called Wewoka (I have some great memories of those sweet people). I worked at Varnum and I would drive about 20-30 minutes each day to and from work. It was a one lane highway with lots of traffic. I had driven the route many times. I was struggling. I didn't want anyone to know so I put on my smile day in and day out, but I was hurting.

We were in the middle of our infertility battle. There were so many losses and questions and frustrations and I just felt lost. I had been just kind of floating through life. The darkness had done so much more than closed in on me. There felt like there was literally no way out. Driving home that day, I saw a semi coming and for one brief moment I thought about what it would be like to swerve my car into his lane. He was barreling down the road at 70 and I figured I wouldn't stand a chance. I passed another semi and even clinched the wheel a little tighter preparing to swerve. Then I pulled my car off the road and cried until I had absolutely nothing left.

I remember walking into our house that afternoon. The husband was sitting on the couch and looked up at me as I walked in. He flew off the couch and grabbed me. I couldn't talk, all I could do was cry. I told him I thought I needed help.

I remember being so terribly afraid to say those words. I was the youth pastor's wife. What were people going to say? How were they going to react? But I knew that on my own, I couldn't not will myself to a better place. I had tried. I had prayed every prayer there was to pray. I'd begged God for healing. I'd begged him to fix me. I'd begged him to "restore the joy of my salvation" and make me normal again. But he hadn't. I knew I needed help.

I won't lie to you. I had sweet, very well meaning people tell me if I prayed harder things would change. They told me I must be hiding a "secret" sin. There was something not right between God and me. And I believed everyone of them.

I have come to believe that well meaning, sweet people should do us all a favor and keep their mouths shut. :)

I have come to accept that sometimes I need Jesus and he is more than enough. But other times I need Zoloft and you know what that's okay. It doesn't make me less spiritual. It doesn't alter my relationship with God.

I have read numerous blogs and articles this afternoon. Ninety percent of those have been fabulous. I'll link to a few of my favorites on the subject matter at the bottom, but there have been that 10 percent that are just plain garbage.

What is wrong with us as a people of God, as the body of Christ, that we are so quick to judge and throw stones? Why have we swayed so far to the other side that we now take every opportunity to lash out, not only at our fellow believers but how about just humans as a whole.

I have lived in that darkness. It continues to visit me more often than I would like. Yes, I wish it was as simple as praying it away. I wish I could go back to my roots, dive deep into the Word and just wash those broken thoughts right out of my head. But it doesn't work like that. At least not for me.

This new season of my life has left me a lot of opportunities for that darkness and despair to visit me. However, it has also given me so many different ways to celebrate. I'm basically losing the mother I know, but I am watching my child grow...it's two vast dichotomies.  But no matter how I try to focus on the positivity of one it does not negate the negativity of the other. So therefore, Mr. Walsh, I have to disagree.

I wanted to write this post because I want YOU to know that it's okay. You are not less spiritual.  No matter what some people want you to believe, we do not serve a God that rewards his faithful ones with lives of prosperity and well being and those of us who don't measure up are just destined to wallow in despair. That is not the God I know.

The God I know is a "refuge for the weak," he is "hope for the weary," and to quote one of my absolute most favorite bloggers, "he is close to the brokenhearted even if He feels far, far away."
(http://www.sortacrunchy.net)

Calling All Prayer Warriors

You my fellow readers have proven to be a mighty force. You pray for me and for my family and I can tell you we feel those prayers. I feel those prayers. Daily.

Today I'm asking you to pray for someone else. I'm not going to throw out names but I am going to ask you to pray for my friend and her sweet baby. They are in the midst of a scary situation. It could be nothing or it could be something, but regardless it is completely terrifying. 

When we first started this whole journey we are on, I remember feeling terrified. I played out every single worst case scenario in my head. The absolute worst thing people could tell me was not to worry it's going to be okay. How did they know? They didn't lay awake at night thinking through every single possible terrible thing that could be happening. 

My friend is spending her week in that place of fear. For those of you have been through a circumstance like this you understand the fear of that unknown. You know how you talk to yourself and tell yourself you're sure everything is fine, but then the very next second you're thinking but what if it's not. I remember laying in bed one night and just falling completely apart. When I could finally talk I told The Hubs that I wanted it to be anything but dementia. I could handle anything but that. For me this seemed like the worst case scenario and I really didn't think I had it in me to face something this hard. For the record, I still don't, I just no longer have a choice (not that I really did!). 

But I know this place of fear so well. I know the heavy heart. I know the uncertainty. I know the feeling in the pit of your stomach that screams out I'm not strong enough for this. 

I've thought about this all day and I wanted to beg you to pray. I believe in the power of prayer. The doctors appointment is tomorrow at noon. I'm asking you all to make it a point to pray. Pray the power of Jesus on my friend and her sweet family. Pray for it to be a big fat nothing. That's what we are asking Jesus for.  Cover this sweet family, will you please friends? 

And finally, allow me one more indulgence. The rest of this post is for my friend. I want you to read it of course, but I want her to know it is FOR her. 

Hey. 

I know you are exhausted right now. I know the fear of the unknown is weighing heavy on your heart.  I know you are angry, frustrated, and just flat out annoyed that this is even a possibility of anything. I know you are having trouble even forming the words to tell God how stupid this whole ordeal is. But I know above all you are scared. I know how paralyzing that fear is. 

Here are a few things I want you to know. 

You are not alone. You are not expected to like this. You are not expected to look for the good in any of this. You are not in control of any of this (yeah, I hear ya). This is NOT your fault. You are strong. You are a fantastic mom. God is not punishing you or abandoning you. You are so loved. 

I do not understand God's plan. We both know I've pretty much given up on that at this point. But what I am learning to understand better each day is His heart. He loves us. He knows that our tendency in times like this is to shrink away from Him and in my case (and probably yours) be angry and mad at Him, but that doesn't stop him from drawing us closer and closer to Him. Honestly, I think what He really longs for is us to crawl up in His lap, beat our hands against His chest until we are so exhausted from the fight that we eventually just lay our head on His shoulder and say okay I give it to You. 

One thing I am learning is that I am not strong enough. This is absolutely beyond the realm of things that I can handle. (When sweet well-meaning people tell me God will never give me more than I can handle, I honestly want to call BS, but ...) what I am learning is that each day He gives me what I need for that day. I have to find my strength in Him because this is so far above my capacity at this point. And even though there are days that I doubt it He has not let me down yet. He still shows up (even when I'm angry) and gets me through things I never dreamed possible. 

This whole thing sucks. It is beyond stupid and I cannot even begin to imagine the great plan in any of this ... but I am trusting the one who makes the plan even when it's hard. I am learning that He is enough. 

He will be enough for you too. I promise you that. I won't make you empty promises that everything will be okay, what I will promise you is that even in the worst possible situation He will be enough for us. Even when I don't understand it and I can't fathom how that could be remotely true, I'm trying to believe it. 

I love you. You are not alone. We will fight together. I promise. 

Just a year...

Just one year ago I was sitting on a couch with my mom talking about the upcoming school year. I had literally moved into her home the night before and was preparing to report to my new job the next morning. My husband was still in Colorado, we had a 5 week old. I had been through a pretty miserable experience and was just pretty down on myself. I was unhappy with the circumstances and pretty darn angry with God.

Looking back over that whole experience, I know full well that God had a plan. He needed us home. I still don't agree with the way the situation played out. I think there are some people who will answer one day for their actions or lack thereof; but I full heartedly believe that God needed me to get home.

One year later I cannot believe all that has changed. A year ago I was nervously going to bed (knowing that I'd be up at least four times during the night with my newborn) wondering what life was going to be like. I was nervous about whether people would like me or not. I was nervous about whether life in this small town was going to be like a grown up version of high school. Honestly, I was kind of dreading being here and already looking for an escape.

One year later things have completely changed. I find that I am no longer really concerned with what anyone thinks. My priorities have been rearranged and I find that I am less worried about pleasing people and more worried about taking care of my family.

So much has changed. Over the past year I've become an expert in things like retirement, disability, social securities. I've become an avid researcher of all things related to dementia. I've become an advocate. I've become a fighter. 

I've become the mother of a toddler. (By the way whoever said walking doesn't change much...LIED!) 

I've almost become a mother to my mother. 

I'm a totally different person. But in a lot of ways ... it's been good. 

I'm closer to my family than ever before. I've walked through some hurt, some anger, some  LOTS of bitterness and found my way to the other side. 

I'm not sure what this year holds, but I do know one thing. I won't be taking anything for granted ... because we aren't really guaranteed much of anything in this life and who knows what a year can hold. 

Sometimes it's the little things.

You guys...this day. I cannot even. I am so completely and utterly exhausted.

My days usually start with checking in with mom and seeing how she slept. It's weird because she used to be up at the crack of dawn and it was always her calling and waking me up, now the roles are kinda reversed. Anyhow, she had decided sometime in the last 12 hours since I'd seen her last she wanted to have my dad, my brother and his wife's birthday dinner. She had decided that with me having to report for school next week it would just be too busy. So I told her I'd be out shortly to pick her up to take her to get her groceries.

I could tell when I got there it wasn't going to be a great day.  She had a mix up with her meds and was just overall frustrated. But regardless of how many times we tried to tell her to do the party next week her mind was made up. So off we went. Guys, we left her house at 10 AM ... we got to Walmart about 1:30, I got her home about 3:30 and by the time I got her groceries unloaded and put up it was 4:30 before I got home in time to make my dessert and turn around and get back out to her house for the party. These are my days.

She's still super emotional. I can't decide what I think is going on. I'm still hoping it's a medicine issue, but it's pretty rough to deal with at times.  We did get into Dr. Wu at Texas Tech Neurology Clinic. He is supposed to be the best of the best. They were able to work us in on August 13. For all my teacher friends reading that, yes it is the SECOND day of school. This are the moments I throw my hands up and say, "Seriously, God?!?!?!?" But my principal was amazing and for that I'm so grateful.

I'm hopeful about this trip. We want to be doing anything we can. This doctor seems to know a lot about special dementias and so I'm hopeful he will have some things for us to try. As someone reminded me after I posted about this last, there is no cure. Thank you for that by the way. I'm pretty well aware. I do; however, love being reminded not to get my hopes up for something nonexistent. But at the end of the day we'd really be rather doing something even if it doesn't make much difference because then at least we feel like we are fighting instead of just sitting silently and letting this thing win. So we will continue to seek out treatment and options and second opinions and we may end up broker than broke at the end of the day but at least we can say we tried.

I wrote last week about my frustration with Chris not being able to find a job. You guys are so amazing. We've gotten phone calls and messages from people trying to help us find something. We are so appreciative. Just knowing that people are looking out for you makes you feel somehow more secure.

There are days it is tough! There are weeks when his paycheck doesn't even cover the gas it cost to drive to his jobs...but God has proven that He has not abandoned us yet. Last week we got a refund from a hospital bill that they say we paid too much on ... we didn't. This week we unexpectedly found a card addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Chris Hayes in our mail. It was post marked OKC and inside were two walmart gift cards with the note, "Have a blessed day." It's these things that God uses to remind us He's still got our backs, even on the days it feels like he doesn't. It may seem small and insignificant to some, but God is using it in big ways to restore our faith in Him and to draw us closer. So thank you...whoever you are. I know God is going to bless you in return for being faithful to Him.

The party went off fine. It was just our family but there were no major issues which was nice. It's always fun to watch my dad and my brother interact with Asher. They really enjoy him so much more now that he's walking and talking. He thinks those two hung the moon. So it's pretty precious.

We are anxious to get back into a routine next week and see how that helps us all. I've still got a to do list a mile long but I'm hopeful I'll get to mark some things off in the next few days! :)

Not yet, not ever.

For so long I have been a person almost obsessed with what others think of me and gaining their approval. I'm what we like to call a people pleaser. It is not actually something I'm proud of and it is actually something I still struggle with in certain areas; however, if there is anything this journey has given me thus far it is tougher skin.

I am learning that while people do have good intentions and mean well, most times they just simply don't understand our journey. And that's okay. There are a number of things that people say that I just wish they wouldn't. Some day I'll write about that...

Mom continues to say that for whatever reason God picked her for this battle. I don't like that ... not really at all, but I see some truth in it. My mom is handling this with so much courage and grace. She completely continues to amaze me.

Today a sweet friend (Can I just stand on a soapbox and say that my mom has some sweet and precious friends. They have stepped up in amazing ways and at the moment I don't always find a way to tell you how much it means to me personally, not to mention my mother, but it does. It means so much more than you can probably imagine. Some days it means a few free hours, others it means she has someone to vent to and talk to about things she too afraid to say to us. It has been amazing the way her friends have shown their love and I just want to be sure I say thank you.) anyways, back to the sweet friend. She sent me a copy of her Jesus Calling this morning.

"In the midst of adverse circumstances people tend to feel that love has been withdrawn or they have been forsaken. This feeling of abandonment is often worse than the adversity itself. Be assured that I will never abandon ANY of my children., not even temporarily." 

It goes on, but oh how my heart needed to hear this message. Even in the moments when I feel the most abandoned He hasn't left me. Not yet, not ever. 

There is no good to guide that tells us how to walk this path. There are days when we get it oh so wrong. There are days when I'm tired, I'm short, I get frustrated and I don't hide it. There are days when I literally CAN. NOT. take the crying. There are days I throw my hands up and ask God where He is and why we are going through this. But it's reminders like this that He uses to calm my overwhelmed heart and remind me that He is in control. He has got this. 

This is quickly becoming the verse to help me through this time. 

I'm dreading going back to work. It will be good for me, but it will be hard for mom. She is worried about long, lonely days. I'm worried about her too for what it's worth, but I'm also looking forward to some routine. 

I do know one thing, I'm going to be clinging to this verse every step of the way.