Powerless

There are days when I literally just don't think I can do it anymore. This is one of them. It's not pretty. It's not right. Heck, it's not my best. But it's where I am. 

Every single thing I thought could go semi right today, went wrong. I am just spent. I'm just kind of over it all. I don't need to be reminded that I'm not in control. TRUST. ME. I hear that loud and clear. 

I know who is and I'm grateful for that, but today I'm left feeling a little angry and a little bitter. The past year of life has not been so kind to us. Yes, things are turning around and for that I'm grateful. Yes, we have the best gift ever in little man, I am not denying that. I'm just saying things have been hard. 

My checking account has hit $0.00 more than I care to admit. I have bills with late fees stacked up on my desk by which is the highest fee that must be paid first. I get phone calls from the awesome hospital collectors on pretty much a weekly basis. Here's the thing I want to pay you. I'd love to give you all my money and be done with you and I promise I will just as soon as I have it. 

This is not where I thought I would be in my 30's. So very far from it. 

Today getting my mom on a plane was a nightmare. We should have called the whole trip off a hundred times. My dear, sweet, precious (can you tell I'm sucking up?) husband took her and my mammaw to the airport at 5 this morning. He stayed with them until they were almost ready to board their flight. The flight was delayed but all looked good so he went on his way. An hour later, the flight had been cancelled and pure chaos and panic ensued. After me having to put my foot down twice, I was ready to call the whole thing off. People DO NOT understand traveling with dementia. 

Change is petrifiying. We know circumstances are beyond our control but we try our best to control those circumstances to keep her calm and focused. Change does not have to be big. If I moved a chair in my living room that could throw her off for weeks. Cancelling a flight, changing gates, planes, etc., that is HUGE. The anxiety alone would make me cringe, let alone someone in a completely unfamilair surrounding. So let's just say it was rough. 

I sat down at the end of the day, done. Totally spent and really over it all. I'm so tired. I feel like I have no time, no money, no nothing. I'd hoped to be able to get away with just my boys this weekend but that backfired when the electric bill showed up. Anyways out of my control I know... 

I sat down, put my head in my hands and cried. 

It was probably an ugly cry. But I didn't care. 

Life is hard. I spent half of my night last night trying to convince a teenager that while life is hard she has to finish school. I want better than mediocrity for her, for all of my students. But I get it Life. Is. Hard. 

Anyway, sitting at my desk crying I heard my email ding. I looked up and saw this in the subject line: 

You are Not Powerless: One Way to be a Beloved Warrior This Week

You are not powerless. You are NOT powerless. 

Sarah Bessey said, "Sometimes I feel quite powerless and small." (Oh me too, so me too.) "I don't think I'm alone in that feeling." (You so clearly are not.) "The heart of the world is breaking wide open, particularly during this summer of sorrow, and we feel powerless to help." (Can I get an amen? I might have even hollered out loud in my classroom and our sweet custodian came running out to make sure I was okay...oops!) 

I feel powerless in so many situations. I feel powerless in my finances. I feel powerless in the situation with my mother. I feel powerless in my husband's happiness. 

On a grander scheme I feel powerless about the Fergusen situation and the chaos and violence across our world. I feel powerless about so many, many things going on around me today. 

But I am NOT powerless. 

"We've not been called to the people-pleasing life, to the approval seeking life, to the bow-down-give-up life or the sit-down-and-shut-up life. We've been  called to the peace-making life, the truth-telling life, the she-who-the-Son-sets-free-is-free-indeed life. 

We've been called to the spirit-filled and God-breathed life, living out the ways of the Kingdom and the life in Christ to every corner of our humanity. We've been called to the life of the beloved. We've been called to the life of the disciple. We are NOT powerless."

(www.sarahbessy.com)

I may not be much. I may be only one. But I can make a difference. I may not be called to be on the front lines, but I can live in this place of "beautiful obscurity" and still follow hard after my calling. 

I can pray. I can listen. I can be.

I don't want to turn a blind eye to what is going on around me. I want to be an active participant no matter how hard life is. Yes, today sucked. Tomorrow might suck too, but I am not powerless. 

As Sarah Bessey wrote last week, "Sometimes, absolutely, mountains move in a great sweep, picked up and cast out into the sea. But these days I find that God often asks us to move a mountain one small stone at a time. Faithfulness is picking up my small stones, instead of screwing my eyes shut and denying the existence of the mountain."

Faithfulness is picking up my small stones. 

So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to take a deep breath. I'm going to let this day go. I'm going to focus on how I can make a difference. How I can listen better. How I can pray better. How I can be better. How I can better pick up my stones. 

Because the truth is life is hard. None of us have it easy, but we all have each other. We have been called to the life of the beloved. I'm gonna just sit on that one for a while.