Kindness

I’m on a bit of a soap box today; just giving you a heads up.

I have a friend from high school. She is so precious. She made a comment on Facebook yesterday and was bombarded with people being ridiculous and just plain mean. It was truly ridiculous. Her comment was taken out of context and she was basically attacked and accused. CRAZY!

Then I log on to a blog I follow and read about people putting others down only to make themselves feel good. Seriously … what is going on with our society?

Why are we so quick to judge others and offer harsh words? What happened to kindness and compassion and GRACE?

I happened to be heading into another teacher’s classroom this morning and overheard a conversation going on. The teacher was explaining to his students how “stupid” they were because they didn’t believe in the Bible. One student was talking about how in her experience the Bible was sexist and how her experience with older Christians left her feeling that way as well. This teacher slammed her. I am not lying to you when I say he told her that she was “lazy” and “childish” for refusing to believe as he believes.

Listen I get it. I teach teenagers. I had one today who broke a rule. I called him out on it and he responded with, “Ms. I’m grown, I do what I want.” Instead of telling him how childish that way of thought was I used it as a teaching experience to ask this student if he would consider me grown. He said yes. I asked if I can, “do what I want” because I am grown. He said sure. I said would there be consequences for me just “doing what I want”? I saw the light bulb come on and we had a decent conversation. I’m not naïve enough to think he got it … but at least maybe it made him think. But when did we as teachers stop treating our students like people? When did we decide that because someone disagrees with me their opinion doesn’t matter? When did we decide it is okay to throw our assumptions and opinions at people no matter how hurtful they might be?

I’m frustrated. I’m frustrated with what we are teaching our youth. In a world that is full of gray, I’m afraid we’ve become so black and white we are alienating an entire generation. I’ve also become disappointed in us. We are so quick to judge, to respond, to react. Sometimes people need encouragement and support. They need love and respect. They need to know you will still care about them even when they disagree with you. They need to know that even when they are struggling with the big questions that you have all figured out, you won’t judge them and pressure them, you will just support them.

This is why people are afraid to be real. People are afraid to be raw. They are worried about our responses. They are worried that if they don’t fit into the box we have crafted for them we will attack. Can you imagine being a mom who posts something totally harmless on Facebook and then gets berated?

I read a blog this week called “I Don’t Have my S!%# Together.” I actually posted a link to it earlier this week, but can I tell you I was not brave enough to put it on Facebook for fear of the backlash I might receive from well-meaning church ladies. No matter how closely I identified with its sentiments.

I’m all for thinking before we speak or post and taking into account how others might feel, but not at the cost of our true feelings. Is it worth it to have to hide and pretend versus being honest because of how other (well-meaning) people will react?

Whatever happened to kindness?

I’ll go back to it again … whatever happened to grace?

GRACE. GRACE. GRACE.

I feel like GRACE is lacking in a lot of ways lately.

I need more grace. I want more grace. I want to give more grace. I want to be quick to offer love and support versus anger and harsh words.

Who’s with me?

Grace, grace, God’s grace. Grace that will pardon and cleanse within.

Grace, grace. God’s grace. Grace that is greater than ALL our sins…

Let's Get Real

I have been really motivated by a lot of things lately to delve into my fears. However, one of the biggest things that holds me back is letting other people know that I don't have it all together. You would think that putting my weight (YES! My actual #) on the blog would free me from that ... but it hasn't. It has not been a huge motivator, mainly because not many people read my blog and so it doesn't feel like I'm really letting anyone down when I don't follow through. Yes I realize that is RIDICULOUS logic ... but I'm just putting the truth out there. 

I just have this overwhelming worry about what people think about me. Y'all I know it's a tad ridiculous and even obsessive, but what can I say, it's the people pleaser in me. 

I follow TONS of blogs, TONS of them. Like I get way to many to truly read in a day. But I bookmark them and come back to them and am almost always inspired and encouraged by them. Right now one of the ones I follow is doing a series called Our Sacred Scared. Y'all... I have no words. It is just soooo good. Here's an excerpt: 

This series is about refusing to be ashamed of our humanity. The world is changed by scared people who JUST GO AHEAD AND SHOW UP SCARED AND FULLY HUMAN instead of waiting to morph into some sort of superhero before they start living. World changers show up, with their insecurity looming and their knees shaking - long before anybody gives them the permission to show up. Don't wait for permission and don't wait for perfection. Do what you need to do. Fail wildly and try again. Fail again and try again, again. Keep failing and trying 'till you die. THAT"S THE STUFF. All the magic and connection and excitement and LIFE is in the flailing and failing with other mess, beautiful, brave folks. Trust me on that one. Love, G

The link is here (http://momastery.com/blog/). It is such incredibly good stuff. There are five days worth. Click through and read them ALL. SO GOOD! And so incredibly challenging. Because it is all about putting our stuff out there. It's about showing up and saying I don't have it all together (check out this blog for another GREAT read ... but be warned it will offend some of you, still it's such good stuff if you're honest - http://redemptionpictures.com/ -), most days I don't even have a game plan, but I'm showing up and I'm trying. Why are we so afraid to be fully human in front of each other? Why are we so afraid to be our REAL selves? Who are we truly afraid of? I'm afraid sometimes I'm my worst enemy. 

I'm afraid that sometimes I am afraid of my REAL self. I'm afraid I have no idea who I really am? I'm afraid I won't like that person let alone worrying about what other people will think of her. I'm afraid I won't have it all together. I'm afraid I won't be enough ... or worse yet, I'll be too much. I'm afraid I'll never lose the weight. I'm afraid I'll be a terrible mother. I'm afraid I'm doing it all wrong. I'm afraid I'm wasting my life. I'm afraid my husband will find someone better. I'm afraid I'll fail.  I'm just plain afraid. 

And I'm just plain sick of it. 

This is not the life God has called us to, but it's so naive to say we can just pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and overcome this fear. This fear is real, it is alive and it is a part of us. (Or me, I definitely could be the only one dealing with this.) But I don't think I am ... I think all of us are scared. All of us are afraid. But I'm tired of letting fear stop me. I'm tired of letting doubt and worry crowd my mind. A friend sent me this a few days ago: 

Georgia O'Keeff says, "I've been absolutely terrified every second of my life - and I've never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to." 

I want to be strong. I want to be brave. I want to embrace my insecurities and run with them. Not so that others will look at me in awe, but so that somehow through it all they might get a glimpse of what grace looks like, because it will be all that is moving me. 

I want to hold myself to that standard of grace and not perfection. I will allow myself to try and fail and try again. 

At least for today ... 

I'll leave you with this quote I got from a very smart, very beautiful young lady who I miss dearly. She is gonna change this world; she and her sisters already are! 

"Like the wind, grace finds us wherever we are and won't leave us however we were found." Anne Voskamp 

Letting Go

I have started this post several times over the past few days. I just really haven’t been sure where I wanted to go. When that happens, I tend to take a break from writing. I don’t want this to be about me. I want to write things that matter, things that touch people … I know that if I’m struggling with what to write what will most likely come out will be 99% Amanda. Nobody needs that … So I wait.

It’s funny to me that my word this year is surrender. Honestly, in the past two weeks I’ve done nothing but hang on to things. Tightly. My hands are actually tired from gripping so tightly. I have not wanted to let anything go. Everything seems to consume my thoughts and my heart and I struggle to just let it go.

I want to offer it up to God, hands held high in surrender and allow Him to take it. But the truth is … I haven’t. I’ve been so afraid of losing control, when in reality I was never in control to begin with.

Life spiraled out of control on me: a health scare, a sick baby, missing work, getting behind on grading, falling off my eating healthy and exercising plan … all of that just left me feeling completely out of control. In my mind, I thought if I just held on to it all more tightly I’d feel more in control but the truth is … that’s a lie.

The reality is I was losing myself in the middle of all the holding on.

This is how I’ve felt. Things have been scary in my life. They have felt out of control. They have felt messy. Ugh … that word, messy. It keeps showing up. Usually when that happens there is something I’m supposed to be learning. J

I think the message is the same today as it was last week and two weeks before… I need to let God meet me in the middle of my mess. I think I view God coming in like I view company coming over. We both know my house is a mess but I still try to pick it up and stuff things in closets and under beds so they get the impression I’m not a slob. That’s what I’m doing with God. You can’t come in yet God. I need to clean up. I need to stuff this doubt under the bed and shove this fear in the closet. And all along I think God is standing there thinking… seriously I know you have fear, I know you have doubt. That’s why I’m here.

Why is that so hard for me to get??

So today I’m starting over (those of you that follow my blog know that this is a theme of mine).  I’m going to work on letting go today. I’m going to offer myself grace today instead of perfection like I talked about a few weeks ago. I’m going to trust that the creator of the universe can handle this. All of it.

Things are not perfect. Things are not fixed. They continue to be messy … but maybe that’s okay. Maybe right now I need messy. I was talking with a friend over the weekend and I told her I think God has to keep things messy because I need to be reminded how much I NEED HIM. If things were good and perfect, I’m one of those people who wouldn’t see how GREAT my need is. I’d think I was doing pretty good on my own. So he gives me a mess…not to test me, not to punish me, but to show me HOW GREAT MY NEED FOR HIM IS. Oh God, please write this truth on my heart.

I love how incredible God is at meeting me right where I need him. I had a conversation with a student who is struggling today. His life is hard. The decisions that lay ahead of him are hard. He is hurting and struggling and doesn’t have a lot of people who seem to really care. We were talking and he showed me this picture he found on the internet.

He printed it out to carry with him. He probably looked at that picture 100 times. In that moment I felt like God was speaking directly to my heart. He has got this. Remember my go to scripture right now?

Isaiah 41:13 – Don’t panic. I’m right here to help you.

I am not alone. But I need to put down the broom and just let go. I need to open my arms and throw my head back in SURRENDER. Who’s with me? 

The Storm

I’m finding myself extremely frustrated today and not knowing how to toe the line between advocating and being annoying. I’ve been waiting on a test to be scheduled since Monday morning. They told me we were waiting on insurance. It’s now Wednesday at noon … and still no word on the test.

I left a message for a nurse this morning and was told she had been working in another doctor’s office the previous day but would be working on getting our test scheduled today. I get that they are busy. I get that this is not a life or death emergency situation to them. But to us … it is. We are waiting on pins and needles for this test. We are not sleeping at night. We are stressed. We are worried. We just want the dang test done.

So how does one know when the line between advocating and annoying is crossed? And should I care? This is my family we are talking about so do I really care if they think I’m annoying?

Anyway that’s my frustrated rant of the day …

I didn’t sleep much last night. It’s tough because the boy has not been sleeping great lately because he’s been so sick. The hubs has been great about helping out during the night but I feel guilty taking a sleeping pill not knowing whether or not he will be up all night.

I laid awake in the dark which is a scary place to be alone with your thoughts.

My mind was playing with what ifs. It was going all the places that I refuse to let it go in the daytime.  This quote that I read a few weeks ago came to mind. “Fear can only grow in darkness…” I started scouring my mind for scriptures to fill the darkness.

Zephaniah 3:17

The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves.  

Deuteronomy 3:22

Do not be afraid of them; the Lord your God himself will fight for you.  

Psalm 27:1

The Lord is my light and my salvation – whom I shall fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life – of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalm 71:5

For you have been my hope, Soverein Lord, my confidence since my youth. 

Psalm 119:76

May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant. 

Lamentations 3:25 

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him.

I won’t lie and tell you that these thoughts immediately replaced my fears; I closed my eyes, and drifted off to a sweet, refreshing sleep. Of course that didn’t happen. I laid there repeating the verses over and over begging God to write them on my heart and my brain …

I had a friend send me this.

Oh how grateful I am for friends that listen to the promptings of the spirit. I need this. I hate this storm with everything that is in me, but I love that I truly am learning that HE is the ONLY shelter. I’m trying so many other things (ice cream, chocolate…) but He is the only one who can hold my heart tightly during this time.

Right now in this moment this is the cry of my heart.

Micah 7:7

But me, I’m not giving up.

I’m sticking around to see what God will do.

I’m waiting for God to make things right.

I’m counting on God to listen to me.

Keep praying friends. 

Disappointed

When I started this blog I promised myself that I was going to be honest. I promised myself that I was going to talk about the things that hurt, the things that are hard. Last night I wrote a post and I sugar coated it. Today I just felt disappointment. Don't get me wrong, the things I posted yesterday I believe. God is all of those things. He is enough. His grace is greater. He is going to show up and carry us through and I need all of my friends praying alongside of us for those things ... but I don't know, I just kind of sugar coated the way I really feel. I wrote a post detailing how I know I should feel ... not necessarily how I do feel.

So I'm going to write honestly. I'm probably going to write often right now about what we are dealing with. I may have to talk in vague terms until we have a better picture of what we are looking at, but I don't plan on sugar coating - because well that's just not me.

I probably won't be posting links to Facebook because maybe not everybody needs to go on this journey with me. However, if you want to walk alongside me subscribe to this blog, the link is at the bottom. You can also follow by email simply putting your email in the box in the top right hand corner.

Now...

Here's the deal. I don't have any answers. I don't have any dramatic news to share. What I have is a family member who is very close to my heart that is facing some uncertain circumstances. Until we have more answers that's all I'll be sharing about that.

However, yesterday I posted about what God was telling my heart and you guys hear me, He was telling my heart those things. He still is. He is reminding me that He is in control. He is God. He has got this. But yesterday I acted like all I needed was that reminder and I was good.

Can I just tell you...I was not. I was far from good. I literally cried so hard yesterday that today my eyes look ridiculous! I fell apart and not in the pretty, put together way. I felt like the world was pulled out from under me yesterday. I recieved a phone call from a doctor. They are running some tests on this family member and the doctor wanted to give me an update. I know they have to do that ... but it was hard. She said words I did not want to hear and I crumbled.

Now the honest truth is we don't know what we are dealing with. We are in that horrible waiting stage where they run tests ... and you wait and then wait some more. But some of what they are looking for is scary. Some of it I cannot even let my mind linger over because I simply cannot handle it.

In the midst of all that, even knowing that God is good and He is in control and He is carrying me ... I want to be honest, I didn't like it. I don't like it. I hate it actually. I hate that my family is facing this. I hate that I'm having to talk to doctors about things I don't want to. I hate that I'm praying for horrible best case scenarios that on any other day would be horrible to even imagine. But the reality is I am. But you know what else? It's okay that I don't like it. No where in God's word does he tell me I have to like every circumstance he puts in front of me. Yes, I want to handle this circumstance with grace. I want the way my family deals with all of this to point others to Jesus, but I NEVER want to send a message to anyone that handling anything like this is easy. It's not.

I had to push myself out of bed this morning. All I wanted was to lay there and cry. I had to force a smile on my face and greet my students with kindness today, when all I wanted to do was shut my door, turn off the light, lay on the floor and cry ... those are my honest feelings.

Is God still good? Absolutely.

Are those verses still true? Of  course. I'm clinging to them now more than ever before. But I won't do you or myself the disservice of pretending like this is easy or anything other than an awful situation.

I'm tired of pretending. I can't seem to find Jesus when I pretend. He is the middle of the mess. When I try to clean it all up to share with others ... I might just be cleaning over something that someone really needs to hear. So I'm done cleaning up the mess. I'm going to write from a place of gut wrenching honesty. I'm going to tell you when it hurts and when it's hard and when I want to curl up on the floor and quit. But I'm also going to tell you that even when I don't feel this ... I know that God is right here with me in the middle of my mess. That's where he makes beauty from ashes. That's where He always shows up the strongest. I need that right now.

And I need you. So follow my blog, get my emails and walk this road with me. Who knows God might just speak to you through my mess ...

Pray

I'm writing this blog because I need prayer. I can't give you all the ooey gooey details because I'm not at a point yet where I can, but what I can tell you is that I need my friends and even just the strangers that happen upon this blog to pray. I need you to join alongside me believing that God hears and God will answer and pray.

The past few days have been a little tough. I find myself praying things I never in a million years thought I would be praying but you know what I will say ... God is still good. He is still in control. He is still on his throne. His promises are still true.

I happened upon this verse today ...

Isaiah 46:4 

I am he, I am he who will sustain you.

I have made you and I will carry you; 

I will sustain you and I will rescue you. 

I needed that reminder. He made me. He will carry me. He will sustain me. He will rescue me. Good stuff.

I found myself lying, staring at the ceiling and this song popped into my head. I haven't heard it in forever so I'm calling this a God reminder.

I need words

As wide as sky

I need a language large as 

This longing inside

and I need a voice 

Bigger than mine 

And I need a song to sing You

That I've yet to find 

I need you, Oh I need You 

I need You, Oh I need You

To be here now...

That's what I need in this moment. I just need You to be here now. I need to know that You are in control. I need to be reminded that You've got this. I need to know that my friends are joining me in prayer and asking You to show up and most of all I need to believe that You will. You will not abandon me. You will be with me every step of the way. 

This verse is quickly becoming my new life verse ... but I need to remind myself of it yet again. 

Isaiah 41:13 

That's right. Because I your God, have a firm grip on you and I'm not letting go. I'm telling you, 'Don't panic. I'm right here to help you." 

Right now some things are happening that feel so strongly out of control. What a good promise that I don't have to panic. He is not letting go of me. He is going to help me. And as we know .... 

2 Corinthians 12:9

My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness. 

His grace is enough. He is enough. 

Will you join me in praying friends? Pray that God will show up. Pray that God will get the glory no matter what the circumstance. Pray that we will find rest in knowing that He is God alone. 

Where I'm At ...

I'm not going to lie, it has been a rough few days. But I felt like I needed to take a few minutes and share my heart today. Maybe somebody needs to hear it.

I'm tired ... like the kind of tired that you feel deep down. The boy is so sick and I feel completely helpless and all of it is just exhausting! I know I'm preaching at a bunch of people who have been there and can totally relate (all of your you will survive this notes have meant so much!). But it's just a tough season ... albeit hopefully a short one.

I was sitting there last night thinking about how I felt like maybe God was not really hearing me. He just felt so far away.

I'm doing an online bible study with my bestie. It's tough ... but it's been really good. It's forcing me to face some things I didn't really want to face but I've so needed it. I was behind a couple of chapters so last night I was trying to catch up. I read this...

"growing closer to God has a whole lot less to do with any action we might take and whole lot more to do with positioning our hearts toward his..." 

Can I just get an amen? It is not about what I'm doing or not doing that makes me any closer to God. It is about whether or not my heart is aligned with his. Sometimes us church brats (I'm a BIG one!) get so caught up in trying to check off the things we are doing for god that we forget that's really not what any of this is about. It's about knowing Him and making Him known. Once I align my heart with that ... things seem to get a whole lot easier. 

So I don't know if someone needs to hear that today or it was a gem from God's heart to mine. But it's not about what I'm doing ... I don't have to DO anything. He's already done it all and he is simply waiting on me to just come. Sometimes positioning our hearts toward his might look a lot like us crawling up in his lap and gazing into his face, letting him just hold us and our hurts and our fears. Sometimes it might mean falling face first on the ground acknowledging how very little we have figured out. Whatever it might look like for you - spend some time before this day is over positioning your heart towards His. I promise things will look a whole lot brighter when you do. 

Love you all. :)