Disappointed

When I started this blog I promised myself that I was going to be honest. I promised myself that I was going to talk about the things that hurt, the things that are hard. Last night I wrote a post and I sugar coated it. Today I just felt disappointment. Don't get me wrong, the things I posted yesterday I believe. God is all of those things. He is enough. His grace is greater. He is going to show up and carry us through and I need all of my friends praying alongside of us for those things ... but I don't know, I just kind of sugar coated the way I really feel. I wrote a post detailing how I know I should feel ... not necessarily how I do feel.

So I'm going to write honestly. I'm probably going to write often right now about what we are dealing with. I may have to talk in vague terms until we have a better picture of what we are looking at, but I don't plan on sugar coating - because well that's just not me.

I probably won't be posting links to Facebook because maybe not everybody needs to go on this journey with me. However, if you want to walk alongside me subscribe to this blog, the link is at the bottom. You can also follow by email simply putting your email in the box in the top right hand corner.

Now...

Here's the deal. I don't have any answers. I don't have any dramatic news to share. What I have is a family member who is very close to my heart that is facing some uncertain circumstances. Until we have more answers that's all I'll be sharing about that.

However, yesterday I posted about what God was telling my heart and you guys hear me, He was telling my heart those things. He still is. He is reminding me that He is in control. He is God. He has got this. But yesterday I acted like all I needed was that reminder and I was good.

Can I just tell you...I was not. I was far from good. I literally cried so hard yesterday that today my eyes look ridiculous! I fell apart and not in the pretty, put together way. I felt like the world was pulled out from under me yesterday. I recieved a phone call from a doctor. They are running some tests on this family member and the doctor wanted to give me an update. I know they have to do that ... but it was hard. She said words I did not want to hear and I crumbled.

Now the honest truth is we don't know what we are dealing with. We are in that horrible waiting stage where they run tests ... and you wait and then wait some more. But some of what they are looking for is scary. Some of it I cannot even let my mind linger over because I simply cannot handle it.

In the midst of all that, even knowing that God is good and He is in control and He is carrying me ... I want to be honest, I didn't like it. I don't like it. I hate it actually. I hate that my family is facing this. I hate that I'm having to talk to doctors about things I don't want to. I hate that I'm praying for horrible best case scenarios that on any other day would be horrible to even imagine. But the reality is I am. But you know what else? It's okay that I don't like it. No where in God's word does he tell me I have to like every circumstance he puts in front of me. Yes, I want to handle this circumstance with grace. I want the way my family deals with all of this to point others to Jesus, but I NEVER want to send a message to anyone that handling anything like this is easy. It's not.

I had to push myself out of bed this morning. All I wanted was to lay there and cry. I had to force a smile on my face and greet my students with kindness today, when all I wanted to do was shut my door, turn off the light, lay on the floor and cry ... those are my honest feelings.

Is God still good? Absolutely.

Are those verses still true? Of  course. I'm clinging to them now more than ever before. But I won't do you or myself the disservice of pretending like this is easy or anything other than an awful situation.

I'm tired of pretending. I can't seem to find Jesus when I pretend. He is the middle of the mess. When I try to clean it all up to share with others ... I might just be cleaning over something that someone really needs to hear. So I'm done cleaning up the mess. I'm going to write from a place of gut wrenching honesty. I'm going to tell you when it hurts and when it's hard and when I want to curl up on the floor and quit. But I'm also going to tell you that even when I don't feel this ... I know that God is right here with me in the middle of my mess. That's where he makes beauty from ashes. That's where He always shows up the strongest. I need that right now.

And I need you. So follow my blog, get my emails and walk this road with me. Who knows God might just speak to you through my mess ...