Self Care

I'll be honest. Self care is HARD for me. Honestly, the hardest part of it is that I feel guilty. There are dishes to be done, laundry to be folded, bills to paid, so taking time to just relax and have me time, well it's hard.

However, I've learned how important it is for my sanity. Self care makes me a better wife, makes me a better mom and it definitely makes me a better daughter. Self care also looks different every time. Sometimes it is driving alone to get groceries listening to whatever I want, sometimes it's a long hot shower, other nights a walk outside. The important part is that I carve out time to do it. Lately, podcasts have become a big part of my self care. They allow me to escape for an hour! I listen to them on the treadmill, in the car ... really just about anywhere and I can't get enough!

I figured it would be fun to share a few of my favorites with you! Here's my top three right now! This list changes periodically (although the Popcast is always at the top!). Enjoy!

I LOVE podcasts. I don't know when I got old ... I used to always make fun of my husband for listening to talk radio - but now I can't enough! Here are three I am addicted to this week!

Popcast 

Ya'll these two people are like my favorite people on the planet and I don't even know them. I literally cannot wait for each week's episode to drop. My hubs and I support them on Patreon so we can get access to their special content. I live for the weekly bachelor recaps ... and sometimes I don't even watch the show, I just listen to them! LOVE them!!

Atlanta Monster 

So if you like true crime ... this one is a doozy so far. I love true crime and got addicted to Up and Vanished so when they came out with this one I was in. I'm only 3 episodes in and completely blow away!

Dirty John 

So I tried this one when it first came out but was super busy and didn't get to finish ... I started it again this week and love it. It's a little risque at times ... but super good.


What podcasts do you listen to??

Let it Matter

This is a word for those of you who aren't sure what to say to those of us who are hurting. This isn't an attack on anyone who offers support - please know that. This is simply the ramblings of a girl who is in the midst of losing the biggest supporter of her life. This is the ramblings of a heart that feels like it is living in a perpetual state of breaking. So take it for what it is ...

Sometimes the best words we can offer to people who are hurting is that we love them, that we are sorry they are hurting. Somewhere along the way we've adopted this mentality that we just have to force that smile and focus on the good. Remember the good times. There's a time for that - I know there is, but sometimes people need to hurt. I honestly feel like I am in the longest grieving period of my life. I feel like everytime I think I make some leeway something happens to set me back about 100 feet again. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever end ... then I am reminded that it will and that will be worse then even this is. But I often feel the need to suck it up, plaster a smile and make sure I don't make people uncomfortable.

Anywho like I said rambling ...

I know we always feel like we don't know what to say to people who are hurting. Honestly, I don't have the answers. I won't pretend to tell you that. What I will tell you is that one of the most amazing gifts of friendship I have been given is a friend who lets me hurt. I have a friend, she knows who she is, and she is a treasure. We don't have a conventional friendship. We don't hang out much, or even spend that much time together ... but she is a gift in my life for so many reasons. One is that she lets me hurt. She has never made me feel like I need to reign it in, or buck up. She lets me feel the things that are hard and not once has she ever run away. I don't talk to her everyday - but somehow she shows up when I need to be reminded it's okay to feel.

Actually, she's taught me a lot about feeling. I kind of became one of those people who pushes all the hard stuff away and doesn't really deal with it, until it blows up on e'rybody. She's made me face it. She's made me feel it and I am a much better person because of it.

So sometimes when I need to be reminded that the way I'm feeling is important, it's a part of this process, it is the ONLY way I will ever make it to the other side, I put this song on and I let it matter. I let it all matter even the parts I won't ever write about, because it does matter. My hurt, my pain matters .... and so does yours. <3

Let It Matter

Johnnyswim

I don't want to feel better
I don't want to feel good
I want to feel it hurt like losing someone should

I'm gonna let my heart break
I'm gonna let it burn
I'm gonna stake my claim with the flame I know it hurled

Run baby run
Don't you know I've tried
But escape is a waste ain't no use in hiding
you know the best way over's through

So if it matters let it matter
If your heart's breaking let it ache
Catch those pieces as they scatter
Know your hurt is not in vain

Don't hide yourself from the horror
Hurt today here tomorrow
If it's fragile and it shatters
Let it matter, let it matter

I'm Baaaaaaaaack!!!

It's been a long while. I'm feeling it. I haven't written in FOREVER!  If you ever read my blog at all, you know I really write more for myself than anyone. I use it as a way to process and I have definitely been missing it.

Life is pretty much the same as it was two years ago. I mean I've added a bakery so that's new. But I still have an amazing little family and I still miss my mom more than I can say. This disease is even more brutal than I could ever have imagined and I hate it with a passion I didn't know I had. But ... it's our life. We still try hard to make memories and spend time together. I'll write more about her later.

But today I want to come back to writing talking about my word for 2018. Actually my word for 2017 was brave. I tried hard to be brave and there were times I can look back and see I overcame some fears and I jumped in.

I let down my walls with some friends and God gave me some really good friendships. I took a big ole swan dive into owning a bakery. It's going so well, even though we still have lots to figure out! I dealt with a health scare with ole Asher Man and towards the end of the year another one myself. I wasn't always brave - that's a hard word to live up to, but I tried and for that I'm calling it a win!

I've been thinking a lot lately about 2018. At first I decided I wasn't doing a word. But then I thought about how much it helps me. It keeps me focused sometimes and I know God uses that word in my life through the year. So I've really been thinking and praying about what it should be. I've gone through quite a few. At first I was sure it was supposed to be serve, then I landed on balance. Honestly I just didn't have a lot of peace about either one. This morning we were driving back home and I was listening to a song. This song has become one that I cry to quite often. It's called Georgica Pond by Johnnyswim. In it the singer talks about losing her mom. It's a song that when I need a good cry I put on. It came on our Pandora and as I was listening I was thinking about what all this year could possibly have in store. Some if it will be scary. Some of it will be amazing. Some of it will be hard work and some of it will be fun. Some of it will be heartbreaking but through all of it I know one thing will stay the same. Jesus. He will not let me down, He will not be surprised, He will not abandon me. I can trust Him. And in that moment I knew my word ...

No matter what happens in 2018...I am not alone. I will inevitably continue to lose my mother and watch her fade into only a shadow of who I used to know. There will be highs and lows but through it all I can trust that God is for me. There may be times I have to cling to that word with all that I am ... but then that's what makes it a good word!

What about you? What's your one word for 2018?

I'm so happy to be back writing even if I am the only one who ever reads these words. I need to be writing them. Thanks so much for reading!

Til next time,