Bitterness

This word has been rolling around in my head for the past few weeks, well let's be honest months. It's not a word I like, and when I'm at my highest points of denial I'd never use this word to describe myself, but in the spirit of honesty, it fits me perfectly, and honestly that just makes me want to hit delete on this whole post. 

But I can't, becasue God keeps bringing it up. He keeps shining this glaringly perfect light on my attitude of criticism and judgment. He keeps showing me where my once softened heart has become hardened and well, bitter. And I don't like what I'm seeing. 

My first instinct is to ignore it. To pretend that it's really not as bad as it seems. But let's face reality here, when I do that, I'm actually walking around making this face ... 

and everyone around can clearly see there is a problem, even if I'm knee deep in pretending there's not. So this time I've determined not to sit and wallow in my bitterness. But this is where I start to struggle. Because if we're being honest (which let's face it I'm putting it all out there) sometimes I feel justified in my bitterness. Someone did me wrong, they hurt me, they walked over me and they never said sorry. They never fixed the wrong; therefore, I'm totally justified in feeling this way. Right? 

While the flesh in me wants to scream, YES! I'm recognizing how completely not in line with God's word this is. Ephesians 4:31-32 says, "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." 

or how bout this one ... it kinda hurts. Matthew 6:14-15, "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." Ouch...no where in there do I read that I am only required to forgive when they ask for it. The Ephesians verse puts all the action on me...get rid of all bitterness, be kind and compassionate. Those are the commands I'm being given not the other way around. 

All of this leads me to a place where I have to acknowledge that my bitterness is a result of my sin and my lack of obedience. Now that hurts ... I want to be able to at least blame this ugly attitude on the ones who wronged me, but the truth is I have been commanded to forgive, to let it go and in failing to do so I've created a monster. This monster leaves me walking around with a lemon face. It's not a monster that people are drawn to and it most definitely does not scream of God's love and redemption in my life. 

I'm just a work in progress ... but this feels like a pretty good place to start concentrating my efforts. 

On a Lighter Note ...

So lots of people have asked questions about why we are naming our first son Asher. Today I'm feeling like letting people into my world a little bit more so here goes... We knew we wanted a name with meaning, we wanted to start our boy off with a legacy. We knew we wanted a biblical name and then we came across this one and I remembered a Beth Moore study I'd read before. I wasn't able to attend this conference but I remember someone sharing it with me. So I went in search of it and found it and am including the pieces that spoke the most to us below:

Deuteronomy 33:24-25

About Asher he said:

       “Most blessed of sons is Asher;

       let him be favored by his brothers,

       and let him bathe his feet in oil.

The bolts of your gates will be iron and bronze,

       and your strength will equal your days.”

There are two original words for blessed in the Old Testament. Barak which means the state of being blessed and Asher which means to go forward, be blessed, happy. 

Barak: “I am blessed” / Asher: “I feel blessed”

Barak: position, head / Asher: emotion, heart

One of the things I truly have fallen in love with is the story of Asher's name. Asher was one of Jacob's sons. If you know the story of Jacob, you know that he loved Rachel but was forced to marry Leah first. It's kind of a sad and depressing story (which you can find in Genesis 29) but long story short Leah knew she wasn't first choice. That had to stink and hurt. But here is what Beth Moore had to say about it ... 

Though asher is circumstantial, it not bound by circumstance—God can change any circumstance

Shes goes on to talk about Asher's birth and the desperation of Leah. Leah wanted so desperately to be loved that she gave Jacob her servant in hopes that she would produce produce a son for her to make her happy.  One thing I take from this is that God gives asher, true happiness comes from God alone. For those of you who know our story you know we've spent several years trying to get pregnant. I can remember many times when I prayed God if you just give me this it will make me happy. But the truth is his timing is absolutely perfect and that kind of Asher can only come from him.

So let's go back to the passage in Deuteronomy and dissect it in a way that let's be truthful, only Beth Moore can! 

Deuteronomy 33: 24-25 

About Asher he said: 

"Most blessed of sons is Asher; 

let him be favored by his brothers, 

and let him bathe his feet in oil. 

The bolts of your gates will be iron and bronze, 

and your strength will equal your days. 

There's a ton of good stuff here but I'm just gonna pull out the part that we fell in love with..."and let him bathe his feet in oil."

Honestly, when I read that the first time I was like and things just got weird. But then I dug deeper. So Moses is pronouncing this blessing over each of the 12 tribes. When he gets to Asher he quotes the scripture above. Each of the tribes was being given land to occupy. Asher was given the land with the most plentiful olive groves. It was a very rich area, which produced much for her people (at which point I like to remind my Asher this means he will one day feel the need to provide for his people - me!). So when the olive farmer would press out the oil, they would walk on them with special shoes strapped to their feet. If they pressed a lot of oil, it would flow over their feet and bathe them in oil. 

Beth's interpretation of this verse is that it means he was blessing him to walk in the power of God's anointing oil and to bear fruit for God's glory. 

What better legacy could I ever ask for...for my own happy blessing. That we would walk in the power of God's anointing oil and bear fruit for God's glory. 

And the people said...Amen! :) 

Accountability Part 2

So he wasn't there when I went back ... and then he wasn't there yesterday, but I was not deterred. I made my bags and I am really excited about God appointed opportunities to hand them and out and share God's love. I will be keeping one back, the one with the rawhide in it, and I will be keeping my eye out for the man with the dog! But regardless that man and his dog may never have any idea how used by God they were. They challenged me to get out of my comfortableness and start taking risks ... so here we go!