Bitterness

This word has been rolling around in my head for the past few weeks, well let's be honest months. It's not a word I like, and when I'm at my highest points of denial I'd never use this word to describe myself, but in the spirit of honesty, it fits me perfectly, and honestly that just makes me want to hit delete on this whole post. 

But I can't, becasue God keeps bringing it up. He keeps shining this glaringly perfect light on my attitude of criticism and judgment. He keeps showing me where my once softened heart has become hardened and well, bitter. And I don't like what I'm seeing. 

My first instinct is to ignore it. To pretend that it's really not as bad as it seems. But let's face reality here, when I do that, I'm actually walking around making this face ... 

and everyone around can clearly see there is a problem, even if I'm knee deep in pretending there's not. So this time I've determined not to sit and wallow in my bitterness. But this is where I start to struggle. Because if we're being honest (which let's face it I'm putting it all out there) sometimes I feel justified in my bitterness. Someone did me wrong, they hurt me, they walked over me and they never said sorry. They never fixed the wrong; therefore, I'm totally justified in feeling this way. Right? 

While the flesh in me wants to scream, YES! I'm recognizing how completely not in line with God's word this is. Ephesians 4:31-32 says, "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." 

or how bout this one ... it kinda hurts. Matthew 6:14-15, "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." Ouch...no where in there do I read that I am only required to forgive when they ask for it. The Ephesians verse puts all the action on me...get rid of all bitterness, be kind and compassionate. Those are the commands I'm being given not the other way around. 

All of this leads me to a place where I have to acknowledge that my bitterness is a result of my sin and my lack of obedience. Now that hurts ... I want to be able to at least blame this ugly attitude on the ones who wronged me, but the truth is I have been commanded to forgive, to let it go and in failing to do so I've created a monster. This monster leaves me walking around with a lemon face. It's not a monster that people are drawn to and it most definitely does not scream of God's love and redemption in my life. 

I'm just a work in progress ... but this feels like a pretty good place to start concentrating my efforts.