Let the healing begin ...

Let the healing begin..

If I repeat that phrase often enough maybe it will actually happen. Maybe all these feelings of anger, fear, hopelessness, bitterness will magically be replaced with feelings of love, peace and forgiveness. But that’s not technically how I work. I can’t just think my way into a place of healing. Actually thinking usually has the opposite effect on me. The more I think on things, the more damaging they become.

When all of the “stuff” went down back in July/August, I promised myself I wouldn’t let anger and bitterness overtake me. I promised myself I’d turn to God … I’d let him handle it and be my strength and I would come out stronger on the other side. Clearly I’m not to the other side yet, but I can tell you that I didn’t follow through on my promises. I’m hurt, I’m angry, I’m bitter and the only person that it’s hurting is me.

The past two Sundays, the messages have clearly been for me. I want to tell God, I hear ya, I hear ya … but it’s still not changing anything. I’m still angry, I’m still hurt and I’m still bitter. It’s eating away at me. One day I was aware that my bitterness was becoming a problem, then the next day Bam! There was a huge wall of separation between me and my God.  I found myself really angry with Him. Why hadn’t He fixed this situation? Why were the guilty people getting away? Why wasn’t anyone fighting for us? Why hadn’t He done more in our defense?

I know, I know, His ways aren’t mine and I’m sure there is a bright and glorious plan that will unfold one day and I will look back and think this is better than I could have ever imagined. But you know what … I’m not there! Not even a little bit. I don’t really care what the plan is, my life was up-ended, my world was rocked and the people who should be paying the price are walking away unscathed, while I have scars that go deep, really deep. Scars so deep that I feel I may never be the same again.

No, this isn’t the first time something bad has happened to me or the first time I’ve been hurt, so why am I having so much trouble handling it? Don’t worry, I’ve asked myself that question at least a thousand times. I still don’t really know the answer, except that I just expected better. Expectations are tricky little things. They don’t seem all that important but when they go unmet, it can shake us to the core. I had expectations of people I loved, people I let into my world and they didn’t just not meet them; they blew them out of the water. They hurt me in a way I never saw coming. Maybe that’s part of the issue here, I was blindsided. Regardless this whole thing has changed me. I’m not sure how to get back to who I was before the lid blew off.

This past Sunday, the preacher spoke out of James 5. He was talking about things that are unfair. He reminded me that God has heard my cries. James 5:4 “The cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord Almighty.” These people were wronged. They were treated unfairly. But the Lord heard their cries and He was going to answer.

Even though I want to know His answer now, and even though I want to see things handled now, I have to be able to hold onto the truth that even if I don’t get the answer or see the solution, He’s still God. And ultimately He’s still good.

I haven’t really found myself asking the age old question of how could God let this happen? If he’s so good and cares so much why let this happen? See, like I said, this isn’t my first rodeo. I’ve been down this road before and I know that ultimately God is still good. Just like the good ole’ gals of POG remind me,

“When it's dark and it's cold and I can't feel my soul
You are still good
When the world has gone gray and the rain's here to stay
You are still good

With every breath I take in
I'll tell you I'm grateful again
And the storm may swell even then it is well
You are good”

 I know He is still who He says. For me that hasn’t been the question. What has been the question, or the issue rather, is that I’m mad at Him. I feel hurt by Him. Because I don’t feel like He showed up. I don’t feel like He came to help. Wow…writing it out, I realize how wrong I know I am, but those are the feelings I’ve got. That’s the root of my problem.  Ouch…

 I guess ultimately I want to make it about someone else. The one I feel deserves to be held accountable. But I guess I’m being reminded I deserve to be held accountable to, for a lot of things, by a God who is gracious enough and merciful enough, not to. Yep, ouch…

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately, mainly because reading makes it easier to not have to deal with thoughts raging in my head. But I came across this blog that talked about bitterness. The author said something that has stuck with me… “God has continued to show me that being hurt isn’t our sin to own, people are responsible for what they do. But what we do with that hurt, anger and frustration is how the cycle of sin has the potential to continue.” I know this … but it’s hard to get it to my heart. So ultimately even though I didn’t do the wrong, I’m the one stuck in this perpetual cycle of sin that all begins with anger, frustration and bitterness.

You’d think I’d be able to whip this one, since I’ve clearly identified the struggle is my own. Do you think the people who wronged me are sitting around day in and day out consumed with what they feel over this situation? I can give you a resounding no! They don’t care, they never did…that was part of the problem. So why am I wasting so much of my life being swallowed whole by these emotions that seem to be controlling me not vice versa. Why can’t I simply lay it all down and move on? Again, these are the questions I’m plagued with. One thing I’m beginning to learn for certain though is that I am not a lay it down once and its gone forever kinda girl. I’m a lay it down repeatedly, day after day, hour after hour, sometimes even minute after minute. I wish I could say my faith was stronger … but it’s not.

 That’s another emotion I’ve struggled with in all of this. I should be stronger, I should be able to face a situation like this and not have my faith rocked and my whole world challenged. What does that say about me? I don’t really have an answer to that. All I know is I’m trying to pick the pieces back up. I’m trying to make sense of the madness. I’m trying to find my way back home to the heart of a God who I know deep down never left me. But it’s a struggle … however, maybe that truly is where the healing begins.