You Are Loved

I was at my sweet in laws church this past Sunday in Tennessee and I got to hear this amazingly precious testimony from one of the women in their church. She talked about being sweetly broken and wholly surrendered. I have not been able to get that phrase out of my mind.

Sweetly broken …

The past year and a half has left me feeling pretty broken. Every time I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom, something happens and I feel like I find another 10 feet down to go. Oh who am I kidding, it’s definitely 100 feet, and I just keep hoping at some point there will be an actual bottom, right?

But sweetly broken?

There a lot of days (most days) when I struggle to find anything sweet about this journey we’ve been going through. There are days (like today) when my very character is called into question and I wonder how I’m doing it all so wrong. I try so hard to handle this with as much grace as I know how to do … but it’s tough. It’s especially tough being beaten down and broken over and over again and wondering where the rule book is or the guide that walks you through how to handle this type of stuff.

But then I’m reminded about the wholly surrender … that’s what makes the breaking sweet. It’s in recognizing that the whole point of the brokenness is to lead me to a place where I can throw up my hands and say I can’t do this without You…

And if I’m being honest, most of the time when I hit bottom I can look up and realize I was trying to do it on my own and that’s probably why I’m down here.

Today has been a tough one for me on just about every level. I’ve cried a lot. I’ve felt attacked. I’ve felt misunderstood. I’ve felt judged. I’ve felt alone.

But you know what God did … he brought someone to me. Someone that was feeling those things too. Someone who had just had enough. Someone who like me, was sitting at the bottom yet again. And through that person he reminded me that even though it’s tough and even though it is hard and though I hate it and just want to give up – I’m not alone. He sees ever tear. He hears every word spoke against me. He is mu judge and my defender … and I’m not alone at the bottom. I never really was.

So if you feel alone, if you feel hurt, if you feel scared, broken or just done … there is someone who cares. It’s hard sometimes to let Him care, because we can’t always see Him or hear Him and it’s hard to know He is there – but then He sends people at just the right moment to pull you in for a hug and say I get it. You are not alone. You are not a bad person. You are doing the very best that you can and putting one foot in front of the other and for today that is enough, regardless of what anyone else says.

So for today – let it be enough. You are enough. You are loved. 

The One I've Been Putting Off

So you know how on Facebook they have this thing now that lets you see your “memories”. The past few days of memories have been really hard for me. Sunday it was one year since my mom’s wreck, yesterday was one year since the doctors started telling us what we were really dealing with … I can’t believe it has only been a year.

The emotions I felt during those days – have come bubbling back up over the past few days and they are hard. I say all the time I’m so grateful that I still have my mom … but man some days are tough, because I so miss the person that she was. Looking back to a year ago I remember being so scared. I remember feeling that everything was changing and not having any idea how quickly it would change. I have no idea what the future was going to look like (I still don’t really by the way) but it was just all happening so fast. I had no control … and for me, that is terrifying.

Now here we are a year later …

It’s still scary. There is still no control. But there is a lot of love. Most days I’m not sure which way is up and which is down, but I know that we love each other. I know that in the midst of incredible darkness we have grown closer together than I ever imagined possible. I know that there have been people fall away, and there have been people step up and embrace this incredibly difficult journey alongside us.  

So while I still don’t have the answers I wanted and I still don’t know what’s coming – I know that we have each other and for right now that’s enough.

…

So how’s it really going?

Some days are great, other days are not so great. Some days she knows all the things, some days she knows no things. Things out of the ordinary (like these ridiculous storms lately) really throw us for a loop. Dad has been going out to Elmer and helping with clean up and setting up generators for people and mom has had the best time. She tells me all about the people she’s been meeting. These are people she has known all her life. People she grew up with, went to school with, spent time at their homes… it’s heartbreaking when you stop and think about it, but for now I just focus on the fact that she’s loving meeting all these new friends. J

We are taking it day by day as best we can. The nightmares are back, but that’s most likely because we decreased her sleeping meds because of the hallucinations during the day. It’s a no win situation no matter how you look at it.

We go back to visit the doctor on June 1. I have mixed feelings because it really sucks knowing there is nothing new to try or do. It’s just a crummy disease.

I’m working through my anger … or trying to. Some days that’s also easier than others. But we just keep going…one foot in front of the other!

June is Alzheimer’s awareness month! You’ll probably see me posting lots of things and also get ready for me to start really promoting our walk in September. We have a team and I hope to get busy really fundraising and moving forward on that. If you’re reading this – think and pray about how you can be involved. There may be no answers for us, but there is hope. There is a lot of work to be done in this field and we want to do all we can. I’ll post the link below in case you are interested or want some more information!

http://act.alz.org/site/TR/Walk2015/General?px=9952010&pg=personal&fr_id=7738

Thanks for all you do for us. We are forever grateful!

Be Grateful

It’s been a while…and then some. I wish I could tell you all sorts of happy updates but then I’d be lying and I try to keep it real here. It has been a month exactly since I last wrote. I was looking back at my post today. I wrote about hope. Can I just be honest … there are times when this stupid disease feels so completely hopeless. It’s like looking down the barrel of a gun – there is no good outcome here. Some days that can be so completely over whelming and depressing. We try to be positive. I try to focus on the good days, the good moments, but sometimes when it is quiet and I’m alone (which truly is VERY rare) I find myself just weighted down by the heaviness of it all.

Mom is doing okay. Conversations can be hard. She is starting to forget some people. She has forgotten a lot of “skills.” She forgets conversations and sometimes she flat out makes them up. It’s an interesting dichotomy. Sometimes I feel like I have a 2 year old and a teenager. People just don’t understand. You just can’t, honestly, until you live in this situation – you never could understand. I never could have either – but I thought I could. I thought I could look at people and tell them I knew what they were going through. But I was wrong. Dead. Wrong.

There are good days. Don’t get me wrong. Dad visited a man who is living with his wife in their home. His wife has Alzheimer’s.  She weighs 73 pounds. She spends her days in her bed with hospice looking after her. We are far from there … so there are good days. But this disease is brutal. It has taken my mother for me and that is a hard pill to swallow.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Mother’s Day coming up. I know I am lucky. I have friends who have had to bury their mothers. I have mine. I know I do … but there is still a part of me that is just so angry because I don’t have her. Not really…the mom I had for 32 years is not the same woman that I live with now. She still loves me and most days would do absolutely anything for me, but the lady that throws a fit when I try to sneak out to the grocery store for just an hour of alone time, that lady is not the same. There are days that sit back and I think mom would be mortified if she really knew she was saying that. I guess that’s where the consolation comes in.  It’s not her saying it … not really.

I had a great mom. Seriously. She loved both my brother and I with all she had. She would do anything for us. She worked hard to provide for us. She was smart. Like seriously smart, in a way that I am not (Don’t tell him, but I think Cody got that gene from her!). She could fix any problem. She would listen to me whine and moan for hours about whatever thing I thought was going wrong in my life at that moment. I had the market for drama cornered and she put up with it – lovingly. So much of what I have learned about how to be a mom – I learned from her. I learned to listen. I learned to hug. I learned to love. I had a great mom.

…and I still do. Even though it’s different and even though she’s not the same, she’s still a great mom and I would go through all of this and more if it meant I got to have her longer. I hate it for her though, I really do, because this is no way to live out the rest of your life.

If I’m being honest, one of the main reasons I haven’t been writing lately (except for the occasional fluffy post) is because I’m angry and I don’t know how to move past it. The anger in me started small, it was a twinge, just a taste of this isn’t fair, but I let it grow and now it is a beast of a monster that seems to take over my entire being most days. It bubbles just below the surface. Where I once felt peace and happiness, I know feel this brutal anger that consumes me. And I hate it. I don’t want to feel this way, I want to let it go. I do try. I start each day giving that anger over but it doesn’t take long before I’ve taken it back and it’s eating away at me again.

Lately I’ve had some family that I’m close enough to call friends really stepping up to help me. They are forcing me to get away, forcing me to get out, forcing me to take time away from the ugliness that seems to be all around me. I’m thankful for them, so much. Even though usually I get annoyed at their persistence, they are probably literally saving my life right now. So for that I’m grateful.

I know I’m not alone … and that helps, more than most people realize. On the days I feel like I am drowning I have a friend I can text and say quite simply life sucks. She supports me … she may not always agree with me, but she gets it. She knows I’m in a place as we like to say and instead of trying to get me out of it – she is just loving me in it – and that helps so much. I know I can’t get out until I’m ready…and I think she knows that too.

Well this post has taken on a life of its own. I’m not really sure where I was headed, but here we are. I’ve sat staring at the screen for a while trying to find a nice happy way to wrap this up, but there isn’t one. And that’s okay. Life is messy sometimes and everything is not always so touchy feely lovey dovey. If there is any take away today – cherish your moments with your mom. Even if they are crummy. Even if she hasn’t always been the best. Find the good and embrace it. Or if it’s not your mom, find someone who loves you like a momma loves and cherish them today. I’m going to focus on the good things today and I’m going to be grateful for the good moments. How ‘bout you?