Let the healing begin ...

Let the healing begin..

If I repeat that phrase often enough maybe it will actually happen. Maybe all these feelings of anger, fear, hopelessness, bitterness will magically be replaced with feelings of love, peace and forgiveness. But that’s not technically how I work. I can’t just think my way into a place of healing. Actually thinking usually has the opposite effect on me. The more I think on things, the more damaging they become.

When all of the “stuff” went down back in July/August, I promised myself I wouldn’t let anger and bitterness overtake me. I promised myself I’d turn to God … I’d let him handle it and be my strength and I would come out stronger on the other side. Clearly I’m not to the other side yet, but I can tell you that I didn’t follow through on my promises. I’m hurt, I’m angry, I’m bitter and the only person that it’s hurting is me.

The past two Sundays, the messages have clearly been for me. I want to tell God, I hear ya, I hear ya … but it’s still not changing anything. I’m still angry, I’m still hurt and I’m still bitter. It’s eating away at me. One day I was aware that my bitterness was becoming a problem, then the next day Bam! There was a huge wall of separation between me and my God.  I found myself really angry with Him. Why hadn’t He fixed this situation? Why were the guilty people getting away? Why wasn’t anyone fighting for us? Why hadn’t He done more in our defense?

I know, I know, His ways aren’t mine and I’m sure there is a bright and glorious plan that will unfold one day and I will look back and think this is better than I could have ever imagined. But you know what … I’m not there! Not even a little bit. I don’t really care what the plan is, my life was up-ended, my world was rocked and the people who should be paying the price are walking away unscathed, while I have scars that go deep, really deep. Scars so deep that I feel I may never be the same again.

No, this isn’t the first time something bad has happened to me or the first time I’ve been hurt, so why am I having so much trouble handling it? Don’t worry, I’ve asked myself that question at least a thousand times. I still don’t really know the answer, except that I just expected better. Expectations are tricky little things. They don’t seem all that important but when they go unmet, it can shake us to the core. I had expectations of people I loved, people I let into my world and they didn’t just not meet them; they blew them out of the water. They hurt me in a way I never saw coming. Maybe that’s part of the issue here, I was blindsided. Regardless this whole thing has changed me. I’m not sure how to get back to who I was before the lid blew off.

This past Sunday, the preacher spoke out of James 5. He was talking about things that are unfair. He reminded me that God has heard my cries. James 5:4 “The cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord Almighty.” These people were wronged. They were treated unfairly. But the Lord heard their cries and He was going to answer.

Even though I want to know His answer now, and even though I want to see things handled now, I have to be able to hold onto the truth that even if I don’t get the answer or see the solution, He’s still God. And ultimately He’s still good.

I haven’t really found myself asking the age old question of how could God let this happen? If he’s so good and cares so much why let this happen? See, like I said, this isn’t my first rodeo. I’ve been down this road before and I know that ultimately God is still good. Just like the good ole’ gals of POG remind me,

“When it's dark and it's cold and I can't feel my soul
You are still good
When the world has gone gray and the rain's here to stay
You are still good

With every breath I take in
I'll tell you I'm grateful again
And the storm may swell even then it is well
You are good”

 I know He is still who He says. For me that hasn’t been the question. What has been the question, or the issue rather, is that I’m mad at Him. I feel hurt by Him. Because I don’t feel like He showed up. I don’t feel like He came to help. Wow…writing it out, I realize how wrong I know I am, but those are the feelings I’ve got. That’s the root of my problem.  Ouch…

 I guess ultimately I want to make it about someone else. The one I feel deserves to be held accountable. But I guess I’m being reminded I deserve to be held accountable to, for a lot of things, by a God who is gracious enough and merciful enough, not to. Yep, ouch…

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately, mainly because reading makes it easier to not have to deal with thoughts raging in my head. But I came across this blog that talked about bitterness. The author said something that has stuck with me… “God has continued to show me that being hurt isn’t our sin to own, people are responsible for what they do. But what we do with that hurt, anger and frustration is how the cycle of sin has the potential to continue.” I know this … but it’s hard to get it to my heart. So ultimately even though I didn’t do the wrong, I’m the one stuck in this perpetual cycle of sin that all begins with anger, frustration and bitterness.

You’d think I’d be able to whip this one, since I’ve clearly identified the struggle is my own. Do you think the people who wronged me are sitting around day in and day out consumed with what they feel over this situation? I can give you a resounding no! They don’t care, they never did…that was part of the problem. So why am I wasting so much of my life being swallowed whole by these emotions that seem to be controlling me not vice versa. Why can’t I simply lay it all down and move on? Again, these are the questions I’m plagued with. One thing I’m beginning to learn for certain though is that I am not a lay it down once and its gone forever kinda girl. I’m a lay it down repeatedly, day after day, hour after hour, sometimes even minute after minute. I wish I could say my faith was stronger … but it’s not.

 That’s another emotion I’ve struggled with in all of this. I should be stronger, I should be able to face a situation like this and not have my faith rocked and my whole world challenged. What does that say about me? I don’t really have an answer to that. All I know is I’m trying to pick the pieces back up. I’m trying to make sense of the madness. I’m trying to find my way back home to the heart of a God who I know deep down never left me. But it’s a struggle … however, maybe that truly is where the healing begins.

Bitterness

This word has been rolling around in my head for the past few weeks, well let's be honest months. It's not a word I like, and when I'm at my highest points of denial I'd never use this word to describe myself, but in the spirit of honesty, it fits me perfectly, and honestly that just makes me want to hit delete on this whole post. 

But I can't, becasue God keeps bringing it up. He keeps shining this glaringly perfect light on my attitude of criticism and judgment. He keeps showing me where my once softened heart has become hardened and well, bitter. And I don't like what I'm seeing. 

My first instinct is to ignore it. To pretend that it's really not as bad as it seems. But let's face reality here, when I do that, I'm actually walking around making this face ... 

and everyone around can clearly see there is a problem, even if I'm knee deep in pretending there's not. So this time I've determined not to sit and wallow in my bitterness. But this is where I start to struggle. Because if we're being honest (which let's face it I'm putting it all out there) sometimes I feel justified in my bitterness. Someone did me wrong, they hurt me, they walked over me and they never said sorry. They never fixed the wrong; therefore, I'm totally justified in feeling this way. Right? 

While the flesh in me wants to scream, YES! I'm recognizing how completely not in line with God's word this is. Ephesians 4:31-32 says, "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." 

or how bout this one ... it kinda hurts. Matthew 6:14-15, "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." Ouch...no where in there do I read that I am only required to forgive when they ask for it. The Ephesians verse puts all the action on me...get rid of all bitterness, be kind and compassionate. Those are the commands I'm being given not the other way around. 

All of this leads me to a place where I have to acknowledge that my bitterness is a result of my sin and my lack of obedience. Now that hurts ... I want to be able to at least blame this ugly attitude on the ones who wronged me, but the truth is I have been commanded to forgive, to let it go and in failing to do so I've created a monster. This monster leaves me walking around with a lemon face. It's not a monster that people are drawn to and it most definitely does not scream of God's love and redemption in my life. 

I'm just a work in progress ... but this feels like a pretty good place to start concentrating my efforts. 

On a Lighter Note ...

So lots of people have asked questions about why we are naming our first son Asher. Today I'm feeling like letting people into my world a little bit more so here goes... We knew we wanted a name with meaning, we wanted to start our boy off with a legacy. We knew we wanted a biblical name and then we came across this one and I remembered a Beth Moore study I'd read before. I wasn't able to attend this conference but I remember someone sharing it with me. So I went in search of it and found it and am including the pieces that spoke the most to us below:

Deuteronomy 33:24-25

About Asher he said:

       “Most blessed of sons is Asher;

       let him be favored by his brothers,

       and let him bathe his feet in oil.

The bolts of your gates will be iron and bronze,

       and your strength will equal your days.”

There are two original words for blessed in the Old Testament. Barak which means the state of being blessed and Asher which means to go forward, be blessed, happy. 

Barak: “I am blessed” / Asher: “I feel blessed”

Barak: position, head / Asher: emotion, heart

One of the things I truly have fallen in love with is the story of Asher's name. Asher was one of Jacob's sons. If you know the story of Jacob, you know that he loved Rachel but was forced to marry Leah first. It's kind of a sad and depressing story (which you can find in Genesis 29) but long story short Leah knew she wasn't first choice. That had to stink and hurt. But here is what Beth Moore had to say about it ... 

Though asher is circumstantial, it not bound by circumstance—God can change any circumstance

Shes goes on to talk about Asher's birth and the desperation of Leah. Leah wanted so desperately to be loved that she gave Jacob her servant in hopes that she would produce produce a son for her to make her happy.  One thing I take from this is that God gives asher, true happiness comes from God alone. For those of you who know our story you know we've spent several years trying to get pregnant. I can remember many times when I prayed God if you just give me this it will make me happy. But the truth is his timing is absolutely perfect and that kind of Asher can only come from him.

So let's go back to the passage in Deuteronomy and dissect it in a way that let's be truthful, only Beth Moore can! 

Deuteronomy 33: 24-25 

About Asher he said: 

"Most blessed of sons is Asher; 

let him be favored by his brothers, 

and let him bathe his feet in oil. 

The bolts of your gates will be iron and bronze, 

and your strength will equal your days. 

There's a ton of good stuff here but I'm just gonna pull out the part that we fell in love with..."and let him bathe his feet in oil."

Honestly, when I read that the first time I was like and things just got weird. But then I dug deeper. So Moses is pronouncing this blessing over each of the 12 tribes. When he gets to Asher he quotes the scripture above. Each of the tribes was being given land to occupy. Asher was given the land with the most plentiful olive groves. It was a very rich area, which produced much for her people (at which point I like to remind my Asher this means he will one day feel the need to provide for his people - me!). So when the olive farmer would press out the oil, they would walk on them with special shoes strapped to their feet. If they pressed a lot of oil, it would flow over their feet and bathe them in oil. 

Beth's interpretation of this verse is that it means he was blessing him to walk in the power of God's anointing oil and to bear fruit for God's glory. 

What better legacy could I ever ask for...for my own happy blessing. That we would walk in the power of God's anointing oil and bear fruit for God's glory. 

And the people said...Amen! :) 

Accountability Part 2

So he wasn't there when I went back ... and then he wasn't there yesterday, but I was not deterred. I made my bags and I am really excited about God appointed opportunities to hand them and out and share God's love. I will be keeping one back, the one with the rawhide in it, and I will be keeping my eye out for the man with the dog! But regardless that man and his dog may never have any idea how used by God they were. They challenged me to get out of my comfortableness and start taking risks ... so here we go!

Accountability (for me!)

Alright yesterday I posted about my "anything." I'm still not sure what that is ... but I have to share this with you (or else I'll probably chicken out - so let's call this post accountability!). I'm still praying for God to make my anything abundantly clear; however, in the mean time I've stumbled upon another great read and just all around phenomenal person. I've been reading this ...

This girl is AMAZING! At the age of eighteen Katie Davis basically left her comfortable, safe life and moved to Uganda. She is now the mother of 13 adopted girls, runs a non profit to help educate and treat the nourishment and medical needs of her community, as well as plays mom, nurse, teacher, friend to about 400 children, not even to mention their families! AMAZING!!

So I've been praying about my anything and reading this ... yes, I've found that part of me that wants to go to  an orphanage and just love on every child and malnourished baby I can get my hands on. There is a part of me that wants to live out my faith that drastically - and maybe one day that will be my calling. But lately, I'm learning for now my calling is obedience to whatever God says in the here and now. Whether that is loving on a stranger, a neighbor, a teenager or working with a cheerful heart at whatever he has given me to do! Okay so that brings me to yesterday ...

I was driving to meet with a client. I was entering the highway not too far from my house and there on the side of the road was this precious man and his dog. Yesterday was cool and rainy and they were huddled under a blanket. I couldn't get over without causing an accident and even though I thought about it, I could hear my husband's voice in my head. But it broke my heart. Now, yes I get the pregnancy hormones that cause me to cry at every commercial and basically every TV show on right now (I spent last night crying through episodes of Cake Boss) but this broke my heart on a deeper level. It made me feel overwhelmed. I'm praying asking God to show me where he can use me to love on others and simply tell them about his love and I realize how great the need is. On that drive alone I encountered 5 homeless people (or people begging and yes I know there is a difference) but the need is great. Not only for people to be taken care of but for people to have hope and to feel love. I called my husband, bawling my eyes out. (Sidenote: He has gotten somewhat used to this in the past 8 months. There is no telling what can set me off - one day it was a dead squirrel, oh the injustice! - so he handles it pretty well!) I informed him I would be going back to that place and talking with that man. He asked some questions and then did the husbandly, albeit smart thing: he informed me that he appreciated where my heart was but that I was not going back to sit on the side of an on ramp to a very busy highway with a man and his dog alone. It was a Wednesday, which means he works late so I knew I probably was going to have to wait.

I very angrily cried out to God explaining that how could he ask me to do something that I couldn't do (I'm sure he was impressed with my rhetoric)!  I just started praying that the man would be there again and guess what?? Today he was there, dog and all. So I promptly called my husband and told him we will be going back as soon as he gets home today. He said I couldn't go alone, didn't say I couldn't drag him along with me, so off we will go tonight.

However, thinking about it started overwhelming me ... I want to take something helpful not harmful and I want it to open a door just for me to tell him or remind him how precious he is to God and how loved he is.  Then I remembered a pin I pinned a while ago. After searching for a while I finally found it and will be headed to the store shortly to shop for the items needed for these blessing bags ...

What a brilliant idea! I wish it was mine - it wasn't (http://kwavs.blogspot.com/2011/05/blessing-bags-how-to.html). But I love it! I'm also going to take his dog a treat, because yes I have a huge heart for animals and that baby needs love too!

I don't write this today to be like look at me I'm reaching out. 9 times out of 10 I drive right on by too absorbed in my own life and my own drama to even notice the man and his dog huddled under his blanket. But I believe God is doing something new in my heart - he is making me more aware and he is answering my prayer to open my eyes to opportunities to show his love right in front of me. There is nothing of Amanda in that - trust me I know her ... that's all Jesus working through me.

I'll leave you with this quote from Kisses from Katie, "Everyday, we have a choice. We can stay nestled in our safe, comfortable places. We can let fear of something that really is small compared to the greatness of God cripple us. Or we can take a risk, do something to help someone else, make a person smile, change someone's world. Life to the fullest exists. It's available. All we have to do is decide to get up and embrace it!"

Life to the fullest ... that's what I'm after!

Anything ...

Just finished this book ... it rocked my face right off. It's of the same mind frame of the Francis Chan, Kyle Idleman, & David Platt books... that in your face, what are you doing with your life kinda thing!

I truly believe that I found this book at just the right moment. My heart was in a searching state and feeling that there had to be more than this life I was living. This book met my heart right where I was and started challenging me to be willing to do "anything."

I'm not sure what my "anything" is yet. I do believe God has sparked some ideas in my imagination and I'm praying over those for clarity and  courage (because honestly with a couple of them, the "godly" people in my life will be quick to tell me how crazy that is). But here's the thing God did in my heart he made it okay to not care. Ultimately following him is what I'm supposed to do, I have to be willing and he will take care of the rest. My job is obedience. I still have a lot to work to do here because I often allow myself to be led by fear and even my own fleshly desires - but I have a heart that wants desperately to obey, no matter the cost.

Honestly, praying that ... praying "anything" scares me! I'm no longer scared that God might call me to Africa or some remote part of the world (that thought actually excites me), I'm more scared of what he might be asking me to do now. Invite my neighbors over for dinner, sacrifice my own wants to take care of someone else's needs, be willing to listen when he tells me to talk to someone (or not to!). It seems silly ... but this is where my heart is. I'll continue to post about what my "anything" is and what God is doing in my heart ... but I want to leave you with something that really rocked my socks.

The author Jennie Allen talks about posed a question to one of her professors. She asked how do we really know God? This was his answer, "He began by listing all the ways we grow or know God: prayer, studying Scripture, church, worship, experiences, suffering, confession, community, and on and on. The he said, " but obviously each of these is unpredictable...many people who study the Bible never find God. Many people who go to church never really know Him. The only exercise that works 100 percent of the time to draw one close to the real God is risk. (and here is where it really gets good ...) To risk is to willingly place your life in the hand of an unseen God and an unknown future, then to watch him come through. He starts to get real when you live like that."

So it begs the question ... where in my life am I living like that? Where am I putting it all out there in the hands of my unseen God and watching for Him to come through? For me I think that's where "anything" begins.

Grateful...

So my heart has been heavy with the devastation in Oklahoma. I'm an Okie, born and bred. I was just telling my husband that I'm not sure the rest of the world gets life like Oklahomans do. People's first response is always about our family. Is your family ok?? While they are, and we are so incredibly blessed because of that, our hearts still hurt with what is going on at "home." All of Oklahoma feels like home.

I definitely recognize that while I am 32 weeks pregnant watching nothing but tornado coverage is probably not actually what is best for me. But I couldn't tear my eyes away. Yes, I was completely heartbroken over the pictures of utter desolation and destruction but even more my heart was so incredibly moved by the compassion and the sheer togetherness that I was watching unfold.

Oklahomans amaze me, but the reality is a lot of people amaze me. At the end of the day we all want to help those in need. Watching the nation come together and support the community was overwhelming. Seeing the stories of hope and support moved something deep in my heart.

I've been reading this book called, "Kisses by Katie." It's fantastic and incredibly challenging all at the same time. Last night I was reading about how she feels sometimes her work in Uganda is like emptying the ocean one eye dropper at a time. She went on to talk about the utter desolation she wakes up to every day in this country. I've had the experience of visiting West Africa. I honestly feel like I've left a part of my heart there and I was only there 10 days. But I get the picture: poverty, filthiness, outcasts ... yet one of the most amazing things I've ever seen is that these people don't pray about why God has caused them to suffer so.  They thank him for what they have. They never see their circumstances as punishment from him.

Oh that we would be the same. God's ultimate goal with us here on this earth is that others may see His glory. I don't know or understand why he chooses some of the means he does. I don't know why children have to die, homes have to be destroyed, or families have to be torn apart - but I do know that if we open up and we let Him, He will use it all for His glory.

Katie talks about on her blog how people ask her if this is really what she wants? She has given up her life here in America and moved to Uganda. She runs a non profit there providing children with many resources, primarily education. She has also adopted 14 beautiful girls and is busy showing them the love of a parent that most of them have been missing. But people often ask her if she's really happy. Today I want my heart to echo her answer.

"you know what i want sometimes? to go to the mall and spend a ridiculous amount of money on a cute new pair of shoes. i want to sit on my kitchen counter chatting with my girlfriends and eat a whole carton of cookie dough ice cream. i want to watch grey's anatomy, or any tv for that matter. i want to cuddle with my sweet boyfriend. i want to hop in my cute car, go to the grocery store, and pick up any kind of produce i want. i want to wake up in a house with my loving family, not all by myself. i want to go to blockbuster and pick out a movie to watch with my little brother and his friends and i want to cook for them at midnight. i want to spend mindless hours with my best friends talking about boys and fashion and school and life. i want to go to the gym. i want my hair to look nice. i want to wear cut off jean shorts. i want to be a normal teenager living in america. i do.

i want to be spiritually and emotionally filled every day of my life. i want to be loved and cuddled by 100 children and never go a day without laughing. i want to wake up to a rooster, my two africa dogs, and a splendid view of the nile river. i want to be challenged endlessly; i want to be learning and growing every minute. i want to be taught by those i teach. i want to share God's love with people who otherwise might not know it. i want to work so hard that i end every day filthy and too tired to move. i want to feel needed, important, used by the Lord. i want to make a differnce and i want to follow the calling that God has planted deep in my heart. i want to give my life away, to serve the Lord with each breath, each second. i want to be here. right here."

I want to give my life away, too. For what really matters ... His glory. 

More...

For anyone that knows us, you now how much I have longed for a child. I have spent years praying and waiting and believing (and if I'm being honest, I've spent years in fear, doubting and dealing with my own unbelief). So why is it in this season of my life that I have found myself the most restless I have ever been. Some people tell me it's the hormones ... I can't settle there. It's more than crazy hormones. It's funny to me that as these stirrings start taking captive my heart, God puts road blocks right in front of me as if to scream, "Pay attention!!! I'm trying to show you something here!" 

One of those roadblocks came in the form of a book. I was killing a few minutes at the Christian bookstore with my precious husband waiting on one of our college kiddos to meet us for dinner. I haphazardly picked up a book by Jennie Allen called "Anything." Let the world rocking begin...

This book has met me right where I was in my wanting. It addresses this notion that we have created here that living a Godly life means we are living a life that is safe, comfortable and even normal. It's touch this place inside of me that was crying out for more. There has to be more. Yes, I am incredibly happy with where we are and waht God is providing for us. I cannot wait to be a mother and start this new journey, but in the midst of all that I find my soul crying out that there must be more. This can't be all that God created me for. Because thel ife i'm living is far from what I think he wants from me. 

I feel like most days I'm doing good if I can just make it through the motions. I know God is pushing me for more and for deeper but I can't find the strength to muster it up. But this is the relationship with him that I want. I want my life to matter in both the mundane ordinary as well as the supernatural and exceptional. Isn't that where Godliness is formed in the everyday and the ordinary?

So this is where I start. I was talking through these emotions with my hubs and I told him more than anything I don't want this to be another fire that God starts in my heart that I let burn out. So I'm motivated this time to do the work. 

To not be content. 

To not be ruled by fear.

To not care what others have to say about my passions and my dreams. 

To follow hard after His heart and his alone. 

I'm tired of having a divided heart, trying to please the world and trying to please my King. This life is short. I don't want to meet Him and have Him say, "I really appreciate all that talking about Me you did." Nope ... I want my faith to turn to action. I want to be willing to say, God whatever you want me to do, I'll do anything. 

That's where I want my heart to end up ...