Letting Go

I have started this post several times over the past few days. I just really haven’t been sure where I wanted to go. When that happens, I tend to take a break from writing. I don’t want this to be about me. I want to write things that matter, things that touch people … I know that if I’m struggling with what to write what will most likely come out will be 99% Amanda. Nobody needs that … So I wait.

It’s funny to me that my word this year is surrender. Honestly, in the past two weeks I’ve done nothing but hang on to things. Tightly. My hands are actually tired from gripping so tightly. I have not wanted to let anything go. Everything seems to consume my thoughts and my heart and I struggle to just let it go.

I want to offer it up to God, hands held high in surrender and allow Him to take it. But the truth is … I haven’t. I’ve been so afraid of losing control, when in reality I was never in control to begin with.

Life spiraled out of control on me: a health scare, a sick baby, missing work, getting behind on grading, falling off my eating healthy and exercising plan … all of that just left me feeling completely out of control. In my mind, I thought if I just held on to it all more tightly I’d feel more in control but the truth is … that’s a lie.

The reality is I was losing myself in the middle of all the holding on.

This is how I’ve felt. Things have been scary in my life. They have felt out of control. They have felt messy. Ugh … that word, messy. It keeps showing up. Usually when that happens there is something I’m supposed to be learning. J

I think the message is the same today as it was last week and two weeks before… I need to let God meet me in the middle of my mess. I think I view God coming in like I view company coming over. We both know my house is a mess but I still try to pick it up and stuff things in closets and under beds so they get the impression I’m not a slob. That’s what I’m doing with God. You can’t come in yet God. I need to clean up. I need to stuff this doubt under the bed and shove this fear in the closet. And all along I think God is standing there thinking… seriously I know you have fear, I know you have doubt. That’s why I’m here.

Why is that so hard for me to get??

So today I’m starting over (those of you that follow my blog know that this is a theme of mine).  I’m going to work on letting go today. I’m going to offer myself grace today instead of perfection like I talked about a few weeks ago. I’m going to trust that the creator of the universe can handle this. All of it.

Things are not perfect. Things are not fixed. They continue to be messy … but maybe that’s okay. Maybe right now I need messy. I was talking with a friend over the weekend and I told her I think God has to keep things messy because I need to be reminded how much I NEED HIM. If things were good and perfect, I’m one of those people who wouldn’t see how GREAT my need is. I’d think I was doing pretty good on my own. So he gives me a mess…not to test me, not to punish me, but to show me HOW GREAT MY NEED FOR HIM IS. Oh God, please write this truth on my heart.

I love how incredible God is at meeting me right where I need him. I had a conversation with a student who is struggling today. His life is hard. The decisions that lay ahead of him are hard. He is hurting and struggling and doesn’t have a lot of people who seem to really care. We were talking and he showed me this picture he found on the internet.

He printed it out to carry with him. He probably looked at that picture 100 times. In that moment I felt like God was speaking directly to my heart. He has got this. Remember my go to scripture right now?

Isaiah 41:13 – Don’t panic. I’m right here to help you.

I am not alone. But I need to put down the broom and just let go. I need to open my arms and throw my head back in SURRENDER. Who’s with me?