I miss my mom...

I miss my mom.  I hate this disease so much. It is so deceiving. There are days and weeks when apart from little things it’s like everything is normal and then bam! It all catches up to you.

This past weekend was tough. I’m not entirely sure why, lack of sleep maybe. Regardless, she just struggled. What should have been a quick in and out trip to Walmart ended up taking us over 2 hours. I cannot tell you how thrilled I am that Chris is going to be home on the weekends with us. On weekends like this past one when mom’s struggling and Asher’s teething – let’s just say I set myself up for a meltdown.

Mom and her mom are supposed to be going to Tennessee. The original plan was that they would ride to Dallas with our aunt, get a hotel, shuttle to the airport on Thursday and fly out Thursday morning. I went down to help her pack last night and let’s just say that plan fell apart.

Here’s the thing. People don’t talk about early dementia. They don’t talk about what it’s like. They don’t talk about the crying, the screaming, the anxiety, the fear. They just don’t.

Her world is no longer the same. Everything has changed. This once confident, assured woman is reduced to a terrified shamble at the mere thought of change. It is debilitating. It is terrifying. It breaks my heart.

It’s moments like these that make me realize things are never going to be the same. The mom I once knew is never going to come back. These are the nights that it is hard.

These are the mornings I wake up and I HATE this disease. I hate what it is doing to my mother. I hate what it is doing to our family. I hate what it is doing to me. I. HATE. IT.

I’m working on finding my peace this morning. I’m reminding myself that

He is in control. He is my quiet place. He has got this. He has not left me or abandoned me, even though today it really, really feels like it.