Today I'm asking you to pray for someone else. I'm not going to throw out names but I am going to ask you to pray for my friend and her sweet baby. They are in the midst of a scary situation. It could be nothing or it could be something, but regardless it is completely terrifying.
When we first started this whole journey we are on, I remember feeling terrified. I played out every single worst case scenario in my head. The absolute worst thing people could tell me was not to worry it's going to be okay. How did they know? They didn't lay awake at night thinking through every single possible terrible thing that could be happening.
My friend is spending her week in that place of fear. For those of you have been through a circumstance like this you understand the fear of that unknown. You know how you talk to yourself and tell yourself you're sure everything is fine, but then the very next second you're thinking but what if it's not. I remember laying in bed one night and just falling completely apart. When I could finally talk I told The Hubs that I wanted it to be anything but dementia. I could handle anything but that. For me this seemed like the worst case scenario and I really didn't think I had it in me to face something this hard. For the record, I still don't, I just no longer have a choice (not that I really did!).
But I know this place of fear so well. I know the heavy heart. I know the uncertainty. I know the feeling in the pit of your stomach that screams out I'm not strong enough for this.
I've thought about this all day and I wanted to beg you to pray. I believe in the power of prayer. The doctors appointment is tomorrow at noon. I'm asking you all to make it a point to pray. Pray the power of Jesus on my friend and her sweet family. Pray for it to be a big fat nothing. That's what we are asking Jesus for. Cover this sweet family, will you please friends?
And finally, allow me one more indulgence. The rest of this post is for my friend. I want you to read it of course, but I want her to know it is FOR her.
Hey.
I know you are exhausted right now. I know the fear of the unknown is weighing heavy on your heart. I know you are angry, frustrated, and just flat out annoyed that this is even a possibility of anything. I know you are having trouble even forming the words to tell God how stupid this whole ordeal is. But I know above all you are scared. I know how paralyzing that fear is.
Here are a few things I want you to know.
You are not alone. You are not expected to like this. You are not expected to look for the good in any of this. You are not in control of any of this (yeah, I hear ya). This is NOT your fault. You are strong. You are a fantastic mom. God is not punishing you or abandoning you. You are so loved.
I do not understand God's plan. We both know I've pretty much given up on that at this point. But what I am learning to understand better each day is His heart. He loves us. He knows that our tendency in times like this is to shrink away from Him and in my case (and probably yours) be angry and mad at Him, but that doesn't stop him from drawing us closer and closer to Him. Honestly, I think what He really longs for is us to crawl up in His lap, beat our hands against His chest until we are so exhausted from the fight that we eventually just lay our head on His shoulder and say okay I give it to You.
One thing I am learning is that I am not strong enough. This is absolutely beyond the realm of things that I can handle. (When sweet well-meaning people tell me God will never give me more than I can handle, I honestly want to call BS, but ...) what I am learning is that each day He gives me what I need for that day. I have to find my strength in Him because this is so far above my capacity at this point. And even though there are days that I doubt it He has not let me down yet. He still shows up (even when I'm angry) and gets me through things I never dreamed possible.
This whole thing sucks. It is beyond stupid and I cannot even begin to imagine the great plan in any of this ... but I am trusting the one who makes the plan even when it's hard. I am learning that He is enough.
He will be enough for you too. I promise you that. I won't make you empty promises that everything will be okay, what I will promise you is that even in the worst possible situation He will be enough for us. Even when I don't understand it and I can't fathom how that could be remotely true, I'm trying to believe it.
I love you. You are not alone. We will fight together. I promise.
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