Not yet, not ever.

For so long I have been a person almost obsessed with what others think of me and gaining their approval. I'm what we like to call a people pleaser. It is not actually something I'm proud of and it is actually something I still struggle with in certain areas; however, if there is anything this journey has given me thus far it is tougher skin.

I am learning that while people do have good intentions and mean well, most times they just simply don't understand our journey. And that's okay. There are a number of things that people say that I just wish they wouldn't. Some day I'll write about that...

Mom continues to say that for whatever reason God picked her for this battle. I don't like that ... not really at all, but I see some truth in it. My mom is handling this with so much courage and grace. She completely continues to amaze me.

Today a sweet friend (Can I just stand on a soapbox and say that my mom has some sweet and precious friends. They have stepped up in amazing ways and at the moment I don't always find a way to tell you how much it means to me personally, not to mention my mother, but it does. It means so much more than you can probably imagine. Some days it means a few free hours, others it means she has someone to vent to and talk to about things she too afraid to say to us. It has been amazing the way her friends have shown their love and I just want to be sure I say thank you.) anyways, back to the sweet friend. She sent me a copy of her Jesus Calling this morning.

"In the midst of adverse circumstances people tend to feel that love has been withdrawn or they have been forsaken. This feeling of abandonment is often worse than the adversity itself. Be assured that I will never abandon ANY of my children., not even temporarily." 

It goes on, but oh how my heart needed to hear this message. Even in the moments when I feel the most abandoned He hasn't left me. Not yet, not ever. 

There is no good to guide that tells us how to walk this path. There are days when we get it oh so wrong. There are days when I'm tired, I'm short, I get frustrated and I don't hide it. There are days when I literally CAN. NOT. take the crying. There are days I throw my hands up and ask God where He is and why we are going through this. But it's reminders like this that He uses to calm my overwhelmed heart and remind me that He is in control. He has got this. 

This is quickly becoming the verse to help me through this time. 

I'm dreading going back to work. It will be good for me, but it will be hard for mom. She is worried about long, lonely days. I'm worried about her too for what it's worth, but I'm also looking forward to some routine. 

I do know one thing, I'm going to be clinging to this verse every step of the way.