About a year ago in January, my family started noticing some changes in my mom's behaviors. She would have trouble finding a word when she was trying to tell you something. Eventually this turned into phrases and even entire conversations. As time passed we noticed that simple things she had always been able to do she was struggling with. For example, following a recipe, writing a check, etc. She seemed to be confused all of the time. Places that were completely familiar to her became places where she was lost and could not find her way. Finally, in January I went with her to a doctor's appointment. I conveyed all of this things to the doctor (a term I'm learning to use loosely) and he prescribed her a heavy antidepressant. While as a family we knew she was struggling with depression and anxiety this just did not seem to be the answer. Finally, I gave all this information to our resident family doctor. She made me get her into a doctor immediately. With the help of friends and a small town she was seen by another doctor who took our situation a little more seriously. We had a cat scan and pet scan done. The doctors were throwing around words like brain tumors and early onset dementia and I found myself begging God for anything curable. About two weeks ago they gave us the results of the pet scan and said things looked normal. They wanted us to see a specialist in Oklahoma City.
Our appointment was yesterday afternoon. The doctors from Altus had not sent any of the test results to the specialist so he had nothing to go off of. So we have no answers, nothing to report. This specialist has ordered more tests and more waiting. However, we recognize these are the hoops. We aren't the first family to jump through them and we won't be the last.
I promised to be real on this blog and so I will. It's frustrating, it's hard and I'm tired. I want answers that don't seem to come, help that doesn't seem to appear and a peace I can't seem to wrap my arms around. But in these moments when I feel like I'm drowning I cling to the hope all around me.
This is my Resurrection Song
This is my Hallelujah Come
This is why its to you I run
There's no space that His love can't reach
There's no place that we can't find peace
There's on end to Amazing Grace ...
God is big enough friends. He is, for whatever you are going through, he is big enough. Whatever your battle at the moment is, He's got your back. He's fighting for you. For me right now, I'm learning to lay down my weapon and just rest in Him. I'm learning to let him be enough... in the questioning, in the doubting, in the hurt and in the fear - he is enough.
There is no telling what answers will come. It could be simple, it could be hard. It could be easy, it could be scary...but regardless, we will choose to trust He is who is greater.
I'll work to keep you updated and I will continue to post about my journey ... because the truth is it's good for me.
:)
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