He is Enough

Well technically I haven’t been on a break, but it sure feels like it. I’ve been busy and just plain overwhelmed and I just haven’t had a lot of time to blog. Our computer broke and that also put a damper on my blogging activities. But now I am up and running again.

I have to tell you that for the past probably 8 months I have felt weary. That is the best word to express the emotions in my heart. It’s more than just tired. It’s more than just stressed and overwhelmed. It is weariness. I feel drained. This situation going on with my mom is bigger than I had imagined. I’m still holding out hope for a quick and easy fix, but at this point I’ve resigned myself to the fact that until we can get some answers, I’m pretty much a caretaker. 

Don’t get me wrong she can still do a lot, but she also struggles a lot and with that comes the responsibility of helping her out. It’s rough because I don’t mind it, not even a little bit. I would do this one hundred times over in a heartbeat. She is my mother. I love her unconditionally. It’s what you do. However, she realizes that I am having to “help” a lot. She has begun to feel like a burden. I NEVER want her to feel like a burden. I try to disguise the “help” as something fun, but just because her mind is fuzzy right now doesn’t mean she’s not  still sharp. She knows…and it bothers her. In my overprotective, I don’t want anything to bother her stage, I try to insist and bargain and persuade to let her know I don’t mind. She has trained me well and God has prepared me for this … and just to let it be for a while.  

But I can’t imagine someone coming in and taking over balancing my checkbook, taking me grocery shopping, and checking in with me when I am alone a ridiculous amount of times. I can’t imagine how she must feel and that is what truly breaks my heart. It is what truly leaves me feeling drained. Not because I mind any of it but because I want to fix all of it. I want to make her better. I want to help her find her old self and for things to go back to the way they used to be.

Over the past week we have noticed a sharp decline in her mental functioning. I’m hoping it was just a result of stress from my grandma’s funeral, but honestly I’m scared. I don’t understand why we can’t get answers. I don’t understand why she’s getting worse. I don’t understand any of it. And I’m tired …

But you know what I was reminded of over the last week. God is still good. Even when the world’s gone gray and the rain’s here to stay He is still good. He offers rest for my weary soul and I can lean heavy on Him. He is strong enough to bear my burdens.

He is enough …

I don’t have to get it all right. I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to have it all together. I can just be me and I can take me and lay it down at his feet and it is enough for him.

I needed that today. I need to just sit at his feet and rest. I need to allow the truth that I am not in control, I cannot change circumstances and I’m along for this ride no matter where it takes me just wash over me today. God just wants me ... isn't that good news today?