Well I poured out my soul yesterday and then last night I
found myself asking okay so now what? I’ve acknowledged I have a problem. I
work with addicts, I know that’s the first step. But that seems like the only
step I know how to take.
Here’s what I’m going to say … I got a lot of responses
yesterday, both positive and negative. Here is what I am taking away … I am not
only one struggling through this season of life but being open, honest, raw and
messy about these struggles makes people uncomfortable. People don’t like to be
uncomfortable.
I own 100% that I am the one putting myself out there and so
there will be criticism. There will be feedback that is hard to take, but today
I decided it’s okay because I know I am not alone in this. There are others who
feel defeated. There are others who want to give up. There are others who are doing the very best
they can to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. So I will write
for them, because I want us to feel normal. I want us to know that just because
people have made us feel like it is not okay to talk about the way we feel, it
can be okay for us.
So what now?
I asked myself that question a lot yesterday and today. I
had secretly hoped that I would be honest, I would lay it all out there and
today I would wake up feeling healed, better and ready to face life. I thought
things would maybe be easier to deal with today. You guys… not even. Today was
one of the hardest days I’ve had. I literally had to get in my car and have a
crying meltdown while trying to order a Diet Coke from the drive thru girl. I
felt her looking at me like, “Child, bless your heart.” I have felt more
overwhelmed, more stressed, more tired and more done all in this one day. But
here is what I tried today…when I felt like I was about to break, when I could
not take it anymore, I reached out. I sent a text to a friend I knew would be
there and said I’m sinking…lift me up…and they did. They responded almost
immediately, let me know I wasn’t alone, they grounded me and let me tell you
they were praying. I know it with everything in me.
Another step I’m taking besides reaching out is I’m paying
more attention to what I put into my head. Here’s the thing, I was taught from
early on garbage in = garbage out. There have been times in my life when I
tried to convince myself that the music I was listening to, etc. wasn’t really affecting
me. Honestly, there are times in my life when Luke Bryan is just what the
doctor ordered. But for me, for right now, the messages I’m putting into my
head and my heart are more important than ever. So…my radio dials are set to
Christian music (I’ll be back Luke…wait for me ;)!) because I need that
positive message being put into my head as much as possible.
I also went on a podcasting downloading frenzy. I’m in my
car A LOT right now and this is a good time for me to be fed. (Which is another
point, I hope I remember to make in a second.) So anyways, I found a few good
recommendations and downloaded like crazy. The first one I turned on yesterday
was divinely for me. It’s a podcast called “Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey.” I
listened to her latest episode with Jess Connolly. Since then I’ve gone all the way back to
episode 1 from last year and started over. It’s not a heavy hitting sermon
series (although I need that too) but it is more just like girlfriends talking.
I’m hooked. This first episode had a moment that I truly believe I was meant to
hear. Jess was talking about how she has hit a point in her life when she is
struggling with something where she just throws her hands up and says “I am
taking myself out of the running for this.” So if it’s a body image issue she
just says, “I am taking myself out of the running for having the best bikini
body.” If it’s a mom issue, “I am taking myself out of the running for mom of
the year.” It’s a simple gesture (and maybe cheesy) but you guys I’ve done it
like 5 times today. I have thrown up my hands and said (yes literally out
loud), “I am taking myself out of the running for knowing all the answer to
this.” “I am taking myself out of the running for having the highest GPA.” “I’m
taking myself out of the running for making everyone around me happy.” It seems
so simple to say it out but it has been freeing for me today.
I think that as I put more positive, Jesus things into my
head, my mindset is slowly going to change. Now it didn’t happen overnight (ask
my friend, they will vouch for that), actually I was more crazy town today
probably…but I’m hoping it’s because I’m more aware of it because I’m
acknowledging it instead of just avoiding it.
Here’s a list of some podcasts that I recommend:
Also as far as sermony type stuff, I’ve tried:
Great, Great. Great. But not a weekly podcast.
Disclaimer: I've only listened to one, the audio quality was struggling but this was good stuff...really good.
Finally, I’ve decided I’m going to focus on one big thing
that I feel like needs fixed in me right now. First up I’ve picked prayer. Here’s
the honest ugly truth … I’m not sure I really know how to pray. I know I feel
your eyes bugging out of your head, but weren’t you a youth pastor’s wife?
Haven’t you grown up in the church and been a Christian for like 25 years? I
know, I know … the truth is I know what I’ve been taught and/or told where
praying is concerned. But I can honestly tell you the discipline of prayer does
not exist in my life. There I’ve said it. People tell me, just pray about it,
take it to God … and I know what they are saying and I know what it means, but
for me I don’t feel like I’m there. So (and this is another one of my new goals
I’m working on) I’m seeking out books and words from other people who have been
in this place and come out on the other side. A few weeks ago I bought this
book: Found: A Story of Questions, Grace & Everyday Prayer. I’m not done yet, but I’m clinging to every
page. I feel like she heard my heart. I’m reveling in the quiet, simple way she
is approaching this thing called prayer. I reactivated my Goodreads account and
set a goal to read 20 books for the rest of the year. Taking in good words …
that’s something that has helped me before and I am going to make time for it
again.
This might be a bit of a rambling post tonight … but I’m
just working on taking the next step. I’m working on filling up my life with
good things and making sure there’s no room for the ugly stuff to take over…one
day at a time.
So for now that’s what’s next.
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