Ugh... I know it's not her fault. I know she doesn't do it on purpose. I know, I know, I know ... but sometimes I just forget, or I don't know what happens and I snap. I snapped today. It was over something SO stupid. That makes it ten times worse.
Here's the thing ... my mom, the mom I've had for 32 years, she is not the same mom I have now. And that sucks ... it's also hard to remember. It's hard to take on the mom role for your mom. Sometimes my days are long, my temper is short and I just lose it.
I need to say this...I'm grateful to have my mom regardless of whether she is the same or not. I am grateful. Do I wish things were different? Heck, yes! I am not to the place where I can say that I see this disease as a blessing, maybe someday but that day is not today. I recognize that there are many people who have lost their loved ones and I am in no way minimizing that pain and that hardness. I'm just saying this is tough. It sucks. I hate it. The reality is hurt is hurt. Pain is pain. No matter what it looks like or how we have to deal with it, the truth is it is hard for each us. I just felt like I needed to say that (probably the people pleaser in me).
Here's where I struggle... I know I'm human and I'm allowed to mess up. I'm allowed to snap. It won't be the first or the last time. I get that ... but I struggle so hard with beating myself up when it happens. I KNOW she can't help it ... and I can and that just makes me so angry at myself. But life is just so there all the time. There are bills to be paid, essays to be graded, diapers to be changed, laundry to be folded, toilets to be scrubbed and sometimes I just get so bogged down by it all. I let it overwhelm me, I snap under pressure (or sometimes just for the sake of snapping) and I get so frustrated.
But you know what ... Jesus meets me right there in that anger and frustration with myself. My inbox dings and I read this ...
"Despite our best plans and well-planned days, life happens in abundance. You and I need our grace days, Momma. We need to drink in the Lord's mercy when the trash can overflows and the counter has been lost under the dishes. It's this overflowing life itself, with the twists and turns that we don't foresee, that reaches beyond our capacity and leaves us in need of more of Him."
(http://www.thebettermom.com)
Then I read my shereadstruth and am reminded of this:
"Maybe you don't need me to spell it out for you today, Sisters, but maybe you do: YOU Are his one, true love. Wherever you are, whatever you've done, whatever anyone else thinks of you, and however long it's been since the last time you really just called Him your Groom - HE HASN'T CHANGED.
He wants to give you good things. He wants you to delight in Him, to come to Him to supply your needs, to come to Him when you are lonely or happy or angry. He wants relationship, and He wants it with YOU!"
(http://shereadstruth.com/2014/09/03/will-us-will-good/)
God is just good like that. He meets us right there in our jerky ways and says I love you anyways.
Life is hard. There are good days. There are bad ones. But one truth never changes...God longs for relationship with us. We are His one, true love. That's good stuff right there. That's a balm for my hurting heart tonight. I may not like this season ... but I do need this God. Don't you?
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