Learning to Grow Up and Not Taking it Personal

I would be lying if I told you this past weekend was easy. That’s the tricky thing about this disease…some days are good, other days are bad. I’m not writing this post for all those “mommas” out there to remind me I’m doing a good job. Or for those overly opinionated people to talk to me about how hard this must be for my mom. Trust me I understand those things better than you think. I’m writing it because I need to process it. Just sitting inside me it seems to fester … I need these feelings out in the open. 

Lately, it seems like everything I do is the wrong thing to do. It’s almost become a running joke between my brother and I that the minute I come over mom starts to cry and get upset. This weekend was definitely no different. 

There were endless arguments and hurtful spats and tears. LOTS of tears. Oh the tears. For someone who was never super emotional, my mom has developed the ability to cry. In her defense… we’d all be crying to. Her life is not the same. Everything has changed. She can’t fix it. Yet, she is aware of it. It is horrible and stupid … for the record. 

Honestly, it was a really challenging weekend for me. Satan likes to hit me when I’m down and he really tried to throw some punches this weekend. I’m so grateful for my husband. This is not what he signed up for, but he handles it all with such grace. 

I got in bed on Saturday night and I was just done. It had been two days of crying and fighting and me feeling like I was on constant egg shells because figuring out what I’m doing that sets her off seems to be a hopeless attempt. Some days I feel like it’s just breathing … but I digress. The minute my head hit the pillow the tears started. 

My mom has been my best friend for as long as I can remember. She was the one I would cry to, call for help, laugh at stupid things with…just my best friend. I remember once, an all-knowing youth worker, told me our relationship was unhealthy. I’d give anything for those days back so I could soak in them just a little longer. Some of the sweetest memories we have are because we were best friends and I am so thankful for those times. I miss them so much more than I can adequately put into words. I miss being able to talk to my mom about things that stress me out. I miss being able to talk to her about my fears of parenting the boy. I miss sitting and laughing uncontrollable at something that would make no sense to anyone else. I just miss my mom. 

I miss not having to explain things to her. I miss not having to re-explain things again. I miss her being in charge of just about everything and me just getting to ride on her coat tails as she took care of all the details. If I could go back I would tell myself not to take her or that for granted. Regardless, of what many may think, my mom was a super strong woman. She held a lot together and I miss that. 

I’m reminded that I have my mom. And I am grateful for that. I am. I have a  sweet friend who today marks 8 months since her momma has been gone. My heart hurts for her. I can still hug my mom. I can still tell her I love you and hear her say it back. So don’t get me wrong,  I am grateful for that. I just miss her. That’s all. 

At the end of the day I know she doesn’t mean it. I know that we are still close and she is comfortable with me and it easy for her to let down her guard with me. I know ALL of this … but you know what, it doesn’t make it any easier. I feel responsible when she’s upset. I try my hardest to fix everything and sometimes it is just TOTALLY exhausting. 

That’s where I am lately. Just totally exhausted and mad at the world. LOL. 

Until Sunday morning, when this song gets sung at church and I’m like ugly cry, can’t hold it together, sniffling so bad, the sweet man in front of me keeps asking Chris if I’m okay. I won’t lie, I was holding the boy and I was so glad that he woke up with dirty pants and I could leave. I just could not get it together. 

But really this song just so clearly echoes my heart right now, in this moment. I needed it so badly…even when I don’t like it. 

“Sometimes I feel no one’s ever been in this place before. 

This is hard and I’m not sure I can do this anymore. 

I know someday I’ll look back and all this won’t seem real, but Lord right now I need you to know just how I feel. 

When there are no words to say and no prayer that I can pray, hear my heart. 

When I don’t have strength to try and I’ve cried all I can cry, hear my heart. 

Cause you know every fear and every doubt I cannot speak.

You know all the ways I need you and all the ways I’m weak, so I’ll be quiet…

So you can hear my heart.”

Being reminded that even in the ugliness of it all … God can handle it. He is big enough. He is strong enough. He just is. He has a way of working himself into my dark places and shining his light and bringing his love … and somedays I just really need that. 

So no this isn’t where I thought I’d be at 32 and this isn’t the plan I had laid out. But you know what … it’s His plan. And day by day I’m working on learning to trust it. 

I’m working on growing up. I’m working on not taking it all so personally. I’m working on living in the moment, enjoying each day and just being. Somedays all I can do is be … other days I focus on the living. But through it all … He still is…and today that’s enough for me.