As for now, we are trying to level out sleeping medications to stop the acting out of dreams and not sleeping, we are dealing with a severe iron deficiency and we are just not doing great. All of us are hopeful that things seem to be progressing so rapidly due to no sleep and not because the disease is moving this quickly. I just hope we can level off sometime soon. Mom and I head to Lubbock tomorrow for the MRI that got postponed for two weeks due to crazy insurance mess. Hopefully Dr. Wu, will start moving towards some answers as quickly as he can.
I write alot about how hard all of this is and how hard life is. Those of you who comment or who message me, you have no idea what your encouragment does to my heart. It is often times like a balm to a dry spirit. I sometimes feel I am too honest. I feel this blog is too debbie downer ...but I want to be honest. I've always promised myself I wouldn't sugar coat. I'd lay the truth out there and just let it be what it is. I try to do that ... but lately I've been feeling like I want to do more.
Yes, this blog is an incredible tool for keeping people up to date on my mom. It's great for that. People all over are able to read and know specifics of what they can be praying for. That's awesome. But it's also an incredible platform to write about so much more as well. There are people that are hurting, people who need encouragement, people who need hope. Maybe I can find some peace in this crazy mess of a life by helping lead others to the only Light I truly know.
It is no lie that over the past 14 months my heart has been through a lot. We have had lots of ups and many downs. I have been through some really ugly darkness and am tyring to find my way back out. It's hard at times. There are days I wonder if any of it matters at all. But then I see that sweet little thing I call my son and I know it does. I know that even though the days are hard, there is hope. There is purpose and eventually there will be healing.
I do believe that.
Maybe not the healing I"m hoping for but a healing nonetheless.
In the meantime (in between updates and posts of frustrations about my mom) I want to work on bringing some light to my little space of the world.
So I guess I'll start here, most of you know I'm still trying to finish my Masters. I was SO close in Colorado, but when we ended up moving here I had to take a year off just to get my feet underneath me. I'm finally back in classes and hoping that by the Spring of 2016 I will walk away with not only my license to be a School Counselor but more importantly my License to be a Professional Counselor (oh what a happy, joyous day that will be).
Anyhow my short time at Colorado Christian was such a blessing to my heart. I was able to be in class under some astounding professors and an incredible cohort of students. I had one professor who I completely adored. He changed and shaped my view on a lot of things and I didn't even realize the impact he was having at the time. He had us read two books that semester that both taught me so much more than a textbook ever had. He introduced me to Henri Nouwen. I LOVE me some Nouwen... That guy is a G!
I've been revisiting some of my journals from that time and this one really stuck out to me today and just kind of imprinted on my heart.
"Our humanity comes to its fullest bloom in giving. We become beautiful people when we give whatever we can give: a smile, a handshake, a kiss, an embrace, a word of love, a present, a part of our life ... all of our life."
Maybe in the midst of this pain that's the answer I've been searching for...just to give. To give of myself, to give of my heart ... to give.
I'm not entirely sure what it all will look like. But I'm a work in progress much like this blog. So who knows what the future holds, for now I'm going to work on giving. I'm going to work on finding the light and moving towards it. I'm going to work on healing.
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