More Than This Mom Has to Give

I am trying. I really am. But God is asking more of me than I have to give.

Today has been one for the books. As I go to bed tonight, my one hope is that some new fears are unfounded and just my neurotic, worrisome psyche all worked up over nothing.

The neurologist's office called today. Our original plan was that we would do the MRI, if everything looked good, we would do a spinal tap, then we'd come back to see him. The nurse called today and said that Dr. Wu saw the test results today and would like to see us. However, he is at a conference overseas until Sept. 30. He will be back in the office on October 1st and ask that we be there. Of course we know it was the nurse and she can't tell me anything, and the probability is she hasn't even seen the test, but I got what I could out of her. Basically, we are looking at three possibilities (most likely) it could be a mass, a blockage, or he could have seen shrinkage in her brain. As I sit here tonight I'd be lying to you if I wasn't praying for one of the first two. I know, I know, I am underestimating how awful it would be, and I probably am. But on some level having something to fight, rather than this invisible disease would be encouraging. Right now we live in the world of it will only get worse, to have even the remote possibility that something could be fixed, well I don't even have words. I just keep telling myself it couldn't be worse could it ... but then again...

I know I can't get my hopes up. I know I can't really even allow myself to think what if, But it's so hard ... Right now we are in a place where she doesn't even know what day or year it is. Yes, that's how fast it is progressing. And yes, when you see her you can comment on how good she looks, but you have no idea. This is a silent disease. There are no visible symptoms you can see, it doesn't mean her brain is not slowly dying away. But what if it's not this disease ... again I can't go there.

I'm trying hard not to be hopeful. I'm trying to just take it as it comes. We've already handled this diagnosis, surely we can handle anything else.

That was my morning. So I determined that I was not going to get worked up, not going to worry, not going to think about all the what ifs ...

Then my phone rang again. This time a different doctor (I can't tell you how much I'm beginning to despise them) with a different patient. After lots of questions about things I didn't even realize could be problems...we have a test scheduled for tomorrow. I'm not ready to talk about it yet. What I will tell you is it has left me really frustrated with God. I've had several people remind me today that he won't give me more than I can handle, but I call BS. This is already much more than I can handle, especially on my own. So much more ... and now to think of what tomorrow's results might hold almost sends me right over the edge. But I do know one thing ... He is big enough for all of these feelings. He is big enough for me to tell him if this is His plan, I am really not okay with that. He is big enough for me to tell Him that if we get tough results tomorrow I'm done. (He's big enough and good enough to know I won't be....but I might need to tell him that anyways!)

Here's the thing about life ... sometimes it sucks and just when you think you might be seeing a silver lining ... it sucks even more. No that's not the nicest thing to say, but it's honest. But someone reminded me tonight that sometimes all we can muster up is ok... and that's ok.

Of course God is going to give me more than I can handle. Not to punish me, not to strengthen me, and not even to help me grow ... some of those might happen, but I'm not sure any of those are the goal. I think the goal is to pull me closer to Him. I think the goal is that when crummy things happen, He is pulling me as tight to Him as He can, giving me ALL of himself even when I have NONE of me to give. I think his goal is to show me how much He loves me and how much He desires to walk through anything with me.

So tonight even though I'm scared and even though I feel so overwhelmed, I'm going to grab His hand. I'm going to trust him. And when tomorrow comes if I get good news I'm still going to trust, but if it's hard I'm going to squeeze his hand a little harder and trust Him anyways. Because ultimately He is good. He loves me. I do know that without question.

If you want to help, the appointment is tomorrow at 2:15. Just say a little prayer. Pray for good results, but also pray that if it's not what we want to hear that we will continue to trust. Love you all.