I'm scared. I try not to be. I try to put on my brave face and pretend that regardless of what happens I know God has this. I know He is in control and that come what may I'm going to put my trust in him. But I am scared.
I absolutely hate this disease. As horrible as it is to admit sometimes I wish it was something like cancer, so at least we could fight it, at least we'd have a chance. This disease is so silent. No one talks about. Probably because no one really understands it. But I hate it nonetheless.
'I hate dreaming about the future. I hate wondering what it will be like. I hate watching the slow slide into the pit of despair. I hate knowing there is no cure. I hate that this is our new normal. I just hate it.
I hate that I'm scared. I want to be strong enough. I want to not find myself wondering, as the days go by and things seem to be so much worse so quickly, how much longer we have.
I want the boy to know his Nana. I want them to have a long lasting relationship, but the horrible truth is that probably won't happen. His memories of her, the real her, the good her, the not confused and paranoid and sometimes mean her, those will come from pictures and stories and that breaks my heart more than I could have ever imagined.
When my heart hits this place I have to stop my mind. It wants to run like a runaway train racing down the track but I have to stop it before I plow into the wall. I have to remind myself that God is not the author of fear. God casts out fear. His perfect love casts it out. I have to rely on that love. I have to lean into it and I have to let it lead me.
Psalm 10:17 reminds me that God hears my cry. He hears my fear and then he tells me to follow hard after him.
To lean into him.
And today that's just where I want to be.
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