Leaning in...

I'm trying to camp here today. It's hard. I'm mad at God. I'm mad at this whole stupid situation. I know, I know ... I can't do that. I've got to let go of my anger and run to God. But you know what I am running to him ... I'm running to him with my anger. I'm beating my hands against his chest and I am telling him I HATE THIS. THIS IS STUPID. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?  These are what we like to call meltdown moments. I've had a lot of them today and there will probably be a lot more to come. So yes ... I'm turning to God, I'm leaning in to Him, but I refuse to go back to the old me who would  throw on her Jesus mask and say this is tough, but God is control. I will rest secure in Him. Do I believe that, yes? Absolutely. Do I feel that? Not in the slightest ...

What I do feel is fear. Gut-wrenching, ties my stomach in knots fear. Fear about all of the unknown that the future will hold. What I do feel is love. My friends are beautiful, even the people I wouldn't count as close are beautiful. They are holding me up and praying for my family and that is how I'm still standing right now, I believe that with all of my heart. I have AMAZING friends and family. What I do feel is passion. I will fight like hell for my mother. We will find research hospitals, we will find doctors, we will do WHATEVER it takes praying every step of the way for a miracle or a cure...whichever comes first.

Today I've felt myself slip close to the dark place. I've been there before, I'm not going back. I can't afford to this time. I have a precious boy, a wonderful husband and a family that needs me. So I'm fighting against the darkness that can so easily envelope me. I'm fighting the urge to stay in bed. I'm fighting the urge to eat ALL the food. I'm fighting the urge to cry until I have no tears left. I'm fighting the urge to pretend I'm okay. That's the biggest one for me, pretending I'm okay. When I pretend I'm something I'm not what I really am gets lost. When what I really am gets lost, I inch closer and closer to the cliff that sends me spiraling to the dark place. So I won't pretend this time. I will be honest. I'm not okay ... not today, but I think I will be. Given time. I just have to lean into Jesus. Even if I don't really want to, I lean in. Even when I have nothing nice to say, I lean in. Even when I have nothing to say period, I lean in. I lean into Him and make Him promise me that He will NOT let me go. That when the waves of this storm rock me completely out of the boat and I wash up on the shore, His will be the first face that I see. I lean into Him and give him honesty. It's not pretty ... but I know that's okay. He is big enough to handle my anger and my hurt and my fears. So I won't pretend I'm okay, but for today I will work on leaning in. It kind of reminds me of an old hymn ...

Leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarms;

Leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms.