hurt

I write this tonight with a heavy heart. The very words I've been praying would not be mentioned today ... came out. The doctors think that we are most likely dealing with Early Onset Alzheimer's. It is difficult to even type those words. We do not have a definitive diagnosis yet. We are still going to do some more testing to be completely sure. Apparently (and I'm grateful for this) EOA (I'm tired so that's what we are gonna call it) is very difficult to fully diagnose. The symptoms can mimic stress. So the doctor is going to do what is called neuro-psychological testing on my mom. Hopefully this will put us closer to a definite diagnosis. He has gone ahead a prescribed an Alzheimer's med for her to start taking in the hopes that this medicine can slow down what feels like an already accelerated process. This journey is going to be long and hard ...

There are so many things that have to be thought about, decided and acted upon in the next few months. I never imagined myself scouring the type of websites I am or praying some of the prayers I am praying. All I know is that this is my mother. I would lay down my own life for her and I will do WHATEVER it takes to help her, take care of her and love her to the best of my abilities.

My heart just hurts. I can't let myself think. I can't let my brain go there ... to the future, to the what ifs, to the place that terrifies me. So for tonight I'm just sitting quietly letting the tears roll down my cheeks and trying not to focus on the scared. Instead I'm choosing to focus on the gifts I've been given right now, the biggest one being that I am here. I am not in Colorado, 10 hours away from my mother. I am right here with her. That's a HUGE blessing if you know me. Another blessing ... my family is talking, really talking. We are talking about things that matter. We are making decisions together. If you know us ... that too is a HUGE blessing :).

This whole thing sucks. I won't sugar coat it. I won't tell you that I've made my peace with it. I'm scared. The thought of losing my mother ... I can't even go there. I want to scream at anyone who will listen she's only 54, I'm only 32 ... we should not be having to deal with this. But we are. I don't like it, but as my dad keeps reminding me it is what it is. There's not much we can do about the circumstance, but we can do everything about how we react and how we handle it. I want to react with grace. I want to have humility. I want to show compassion and love.

So this is where I am tonight. My knees are to the ground, my face is to the floor. I'm choosing to praise the one who is still in control. I am choosing to let him lead ... and I'm going to follow. Tomorrow. Right now I'm going to continue to lay here on my face before him and tell him how I really feel ... and you know what he's good with that.