There I Said It

I’ve been sitting on a blog post for several days now. It’s been working its way through my heart and I’ve been playing with the words and finally find myself at a place where I am ready to write.

Here’s the thing … I went back to the place of my hurt this week. I mean literally walked through the door, looked people in the eyes, went back. I had several people tell me they didn’t think it was a good idea. I didn’t listen (because I know best right) and man it kicked my tail. Pulling into the parking lot I literally was breaking out into hives. Don’t get me wrong the number of people there who are pulling for me and who love me far outweighs the number of people who have hurt me…but when hurts run deep, it’s hard to feel that in the moment.

I found myself feeling battered and bruised in so many ways. I thought I had dealt with the source of my hurt. I thought I was moving on, and the reality is I think I am, but it is still hard to revisit the hurts. But after sitting on it for several days I almost feel like a cloud has lifted. I feel better. I feel stronger. I feel like I got closure. I saw the source of my hurt, looked him in his eyes and didn’t hate him. I didn’t like him either, but I didn’t look at him the way I did 10 months ago. I know I haven’t moved completely on, but I think we’ll call that progress.

It still sucks, every part of it. Seeing my best friend and her precious babies for two days is nowhere near long enough.  He took that from me. He took a lot of things from me. But he does not win. Sitting in the back row at the place of my hurt, my eyes welling up with tears, my husband leaned over and in his tender way whispered, “He doesn’t get to win.” And in that moment, I knew we could move on, fully move on and move past. It’s time to settle down here. It’s time to find a church and get involved. It’s time to stop being afraid of the church and join in the fight. I may not always agree with the church (trust me there are a lot of times I feel I am fighting a losing battle against them) but ultimately I believe in the Word. I believe in the power of the Cross. I believe I am called to pour in and I cannot do that hiding in my closet.

There is something to be said about facing down your fears. You come out on the other side feeling a little taller, a little stronger and a little more capable of facing what lies ahead of you. The past year of my life has been hard. There have been times I wanted to run away, times I wanted to throw in the towel, times I screamed at God, “What is that you are trying to do??” But the reality is my life is good. It’s not that hard. Yes, we are facing uncertain circumstances. Yes, I have been hurt by people seeking only power and position. But I’m here. I have a beautiful family. I have so much to be thankful for.

I’m ready to move on. I’m ready to stand in the light (as Olivia Pope would say). There is so much good to focus on.

I talk openly about a lot of things on this blog. All my things, my mom would say. She’s accepted that this is how I process. I don’t let her read it, mainly because I don’t want her to have to deal with all my junk. She needs to see the happy, brave face I wear. This is where I can take off that mask and let the ugly show. The broken, the messy, the hurt … the unpleasant.

I recently stumbled across a blog called Sayable. I don’t know a ton about this person, but I have been pouring over things she has written. I love that there is a movement towards honesty and transparency in my generation. We tired of the plastic and really leaning into the real. I follow a ton of bloggers who do this and do it well.  This one particular author has had a rough go lately and she talks about being open and sharing her struggle. She says this, “If we cared less about what people thought, and more about ministering through our weaknesses, I wonder if we’d ever get so high we had a place to fall from?” when questioned about sharing her personal struggle.

I talk about the ugly stuff because it’s real. I write about it because I want people to know that this Christian life I’m living is not all Disney fairytale endings. There are struggles, there is pain, there are days it sucks; days that it’s nowhere close to warm and fuzzy.

I want realness. I crave it. I don’t need the uppity, holier than thou attitudes that so many people have. I crave honesty and transparency. I want to hear from you that life is hard. I don’t want platitudes. I want people who are honest about the screaming that goes on behind closed doors. I have a really hard time with people that are always God has a plan. I know that! Doesn’t mean I have to like it! Sometimes I just want someone to come alongside and just say, “This sucks!”

Some people probably feel I shouldn’t write about some of the things I’ve experienced. They say let the past stay in the past, move on. But I echo the words I quoted earlier. We’ve got to start caring less about what people think about us and more about how we can minister through our weakness. I want to take these struggles and minister through them. I want people to see my realness and know that it’s not all unicorns and rainbows …

I’m depressed.

There I said it.

I’ve rambled on in this post afraid to just come right out and say what I’ve been trying to say. I saw myself drawing ever closer to the dark place, and instead of recognizing the signs and stopping, I dove head first in. I know the signs. My husband knows the signs. Heck probably the kids I work with know the signs. However, this time I buried myself in business trying to hide the signs. My hubs asked. He was concerned. He promised he was there. I placated him, told him I was fine and I would let him know if I needed help.

I lied.

I wanted to be able to face this without the help. I should be strong enough, right? I’ve fought those feelings for so long. I’ve told you I’m tired. I’ve told you I’m overwhelmed. But I was just hiding from the truth.

So why talk about it now? Because someone needs to know. Someone needs to hear that it is okay. We aren’t perfect, never will be.

There are days right now where my world seems completely out of control. For a control freak like me that is tough. I fear the future. I fear the unknown. I struggle with being a first time mom and having no clue what I’m doing. I worry about my mother and what her life is going to be like. I worry about my dad. I worry about my husband. I fight this battle of weight daily. There are so many reasons I feel overwhelmed. But I want to be real about it all. I don’t want to be scared of what people are going to say. I want to showcase His mighty strength in the middle of all of my weaknesses. That’s what I’m going to start focusing on.

I want to do a better job of being real so that people who are hurting can find strength through my struggles. I want to minister through my weakness so that I can meet people where they are. We aren’t called to be perfect people …

I love what Sarah says at sarathebarge.com, “The point the Bible makes is not that God makes us perfect people with perfect endings; it’s that in spite of all the chaos, violence, selfishness, destruction and pain, God loves us enough to stay with us and infuse a messy world with some grace and mercy. Instead of making us stumble around in intolerable darkness, He shines a sliver of light that illuminates the pathway to Paradise, though we will surely be bloodied and bruised along the way. And then we’ll have to die to make it across the last threshold.”

God loves ME enough to stay and to infuse my world with His grace and mercy.

I need more of that. I bet I’m not the only one.