It happened

So it finally happened. Exhaustion set in. Frustration took over and I found myself setting a crying baby in his crib and sitting down on the floor and crying.

It was 3 am, I'd been up since about 2 with a baby that could not be consoled. I tried EVERYTHING.
NOTHING was working. I felt like I was losing my mind. I had nothing left to give.

I put him in his crib, told him I loved him and sat down on the floor.

EXHAUSTED. DEFEATED. EMPTY.

I sat there crying and telling God I couldn't do it anymore. I had nothing.

In that moment I think I finally got something important I've been missing. That's exactly where God wants me. Empty, with nothing to give. That's when He can turn beauty into ashes. When I'm not in the way anymore.

Too often we get in our head that God needs our help. We get so busy doing we forget to just be.

In this past season of our lives, in an effort to heal, the Hubs and I have been focusing on being less busy doing things. For us, that's when relationship turns into religion. We lost our passion in the mess of being busy. We had great intentions. We were busy with all the right things. But we were so busy we didn't recognize our need anymore. We were doing good things so that had to be filling us up. But it wasn't. God can't fill a cup that's full.

Now hear me, there is a flip side to this. God can't fill a cup that's full. Once he fills us up it is our job to pour out what he is giving us so that he can fill us up again. But that's not what I am getting at here. I think sometimes in an attempt to be righteous and right and all that jazz we fill our own cups. We fill them up with good things, religious things, holy things even ... but they get so full that there is no room left for what we really need.

We find ourselves feeling exhausted and defeated. Finally we come to that place of emptiness and I think maybe God sighs ... finally. Now I can give you what you need.

That's where I was this morning. Empty, with nothing left to give. And in that moment He met me right there. There was no pretending. It was an ugly mess ... but He doesn't care. He died to come into my mess. He died to come into yours. We just have to be there, lift our hands and say I'm here. I have nothing to give you. I'm out ... but I need you. That's when I think he jumps at the chance to shout I'm here, I'm here. I've been here the whole time...you just couldn't see me past yourself. Let me help. I'm here.

"Jesus stood up and cried out, If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, 'Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water." 

John 7:36-38

I could use some living water. 

For those of you wondering. The Hubs heard the crying and came in. He held the boy while I cried and then grabbed onto the strength I felt, pulled myself up, grabbed my boy and rocked him back to sleep. There's a beautiful part 2 to this story too ... but for now he's hungry and needs his breakfast! 

Let me leave you with this reminder though ... 

"That's right. Because I your God, have a firm grip on you and I'm not letting go. I'm telling you, Don't panic. I'm right here to help you."

Isaiah 41:13

Let's drink deep today, shall we?