It Just Keeps Coming Up

Somewhere along the way someone taught us to hide our true feelings. Someone taught us that people don’t need or don’t want to know about our struggles. Someone told us that the good “Christian” response is to plaster a smile on our face, count it all joy and carry on. But somewhere along the way someone lied to us.

A few years ago I was speaking at an event. I went into the event with one singular desire: to be honest. I was sick of the game playing and mask wearing and just wanted to be real. I laid my heart out bare for people to see. It was risky. It made me vulnerable. But I knew it was right. The hubs and I had spent a lot of time in prayer about it and we wanted to make our time count. The next week we got a phone call from someone (we’ll call them a concerned person) that wanted to “mentor” us. They brought up several things I had said and wanted to counsel my husband and me on the sovereignty of God. Their biggest gripe was that I said I thought God’s plan was stupid. They had to wonder if I truly believed in God if I could call his plan stupid. My first reaction was just that to react. How dare they question my belief? But after some time and gentle coaxing from my husband I realized they’ve bought the lie too. I still think they are wrong. I think this particular person has a lot more they should be focused on in their own life versus what they think is wrong with mine, but I digress!

The issue still remains. Why do we think that God isn’t big enough to hear our hearts, our true hearts? Not the water downed, slightly less dirty, cleaned up heart, but our real, broken, filthy, shattered, unpleasant, ugly hearts?

There’s been a lot of flair in the blogosphere over using curse words. I talked about it a few weeks ago. But I could talk about it for hours. There is much to say and much that I believe is not being said. But what I really want someone to hear today is that GOD CAN HANDLE YOUR HONESTY. God is absolutely, not even in the slightest turned off by your realness.

I married a saint. Most of you know that but I’m just giving credit where credit is due. He is a saint. He is patient, kind, gentle and most of all puts up with me. He can handle me. He has seen the shattered, the ugly, the filthy and the unpleasant and he’s still standing. However, he knows me well enough to know that not everyone can handle that side of me. So there will be times, especially when he was in ministry, that I would get “the look” or “the nod” and it usually meant tread carefully. He would never tell me not to speak my heart but he would remind me that not everyone was capable of handling all of me, nor should they be.

But God is.  

I don’t have to pour out EVERYTHING to EVERYONE because I have a God that is big enough to handle it ALL. Now hear this as loudly and clearly as you possibly can, I won’t quit being raw and honest. That is who I am. I believe it is who we should be. Too often we try to pretend we have it all together and we give off this perception that being real shows weakness. I want to show weakness … because it is in my weakness He is strong (as cliché as that sounds). I’m not asking you to stand on the street corner and air your dirty laundry. Not EVERYONE needs to know. I so hope that you have people you can let your guard down with completely and be real, but most of all I hope you get how much Jesus desires that from you.

Just this morning I had a conversation with a teacher friend where she said I mean I do have a joyful heart but I hate these circumstances. She quickly retracted and said oh wait…is that bad to say? I wanted to grab her and scream NO! I can have joy and I can have peace and I can have anger and hurt all at the same time. I may have not been reading my bible regularly lately, but I do know the stories. The Bible is full of people asking why and saying take this from me. (Amanda translation: I DON’T LIKE THIS!) Just look at Psalms.

Jesus does not frown upon your honesty with Him. I think most often it is in my times of honesty, those times that I fall face first on the floor and realize I cannot do this, I AM NOT ENOUGH, that God is like and finally she gets it. If I just go to Him grinning and bearing … I don’t know that’s not the kind of relationship I want with him. I want realness. I want honesty. I want the messy. I want to know that I can be one hundred percent Amanda, unpleasant, ugly and all and HE IS ENOUGH.

Can you just hear that this morning/afternoon/evening? HE IS ENOUGH. All your striving, trying, pretending, performing … you don’t need it. He is enough for you. Whether your world is upside down or turned right side up…HE IS ENOUGH.

Clearly this is a theme in my life right now! But can I just tell you? I believe it friend. I believe with all my heart I am not struggling with this alone. I believe there are MANY of us who struggle to be real because we worry so much about how others might see us. But the truth is … He is ENOUGH. Can you just rest in that today? Can I?