You know I do a good job of pretending I've got it all together. I mean sure by looking at me you can tell there are a few, umm, "areas" that clearly need work, but for the most part I hold it all together well. I'm balancing a job, a family, depression, weight loss, my mom. There's a lot going on and I do a pretty good job at showing all of you that I've got this.
But that is SO not true. I try really hard not to show you the break downs. I had a good one yesterday morning on the floor of my little bathroom. I was thinking about my mom and this stupid situation and the next thing I knew I was on the floor crying my eyes out at the unfairness of it all. But for the most part I try to hide the fear, the frustration, the chaos.
But lately, the frustration has been hard to hide and it makes me so MAD. I am NOT frustrated with my mother. I am frustrated with this stupid situation. However, sometimes in the moment when I have to correct her or help her I know it must seem like I am frustrated with her. I want to blame it on exhaustion or being overwhelmed, but the truth is I know what the root of the problem is. I haven't been getting my fix.
The last time I spent time in the word ... like truly spent time in the word, well I can't even really remember it. I've been going to church, taking my notes, doing every thing the good little Christian girl does. But drawing close to God ... nope. No, thank you. Yes, I'm mad at him. Maybe I'm in the anger phase right now about all of this, and I'm sure this too shall pass, but dang it, I don't like this. I want my mom back. I want this whole situation to be over. I don't want to have to show that I'm strong. I don't want to set an example for others in how I handle this. I want to rewind the clock and NONE of this to be happening.
Even as I type that I know that even though that is what I feel, I do still recognize my great need for Him. I do still long for Him. I miss Him. It's kind of like fighting with my husband. Even when I'm mad at him, he's hurt me or just made me plain angry...after a little while, even though I'm angry, I start to miss him. I start to miss our conversations. I miss the hugs. I miss the presence of him (because y'all when I get upset distance is what I do, ask anyone that knows me well... It's a problem!)
So now I find myself here... I've put so much distance between myself and God, it's become easy to stay apart. I might still miss Him, but I've grown comfortable avoiding him and putting distance between us. But you know what, I can't fix me. I AM NOT ENOUGH FOR ME. I cannot take away the pain, the sadness, the fears, the hurt. I AM NOT ENOUGH. Trying to be enough has nearly killed me. I don't sleep, I eat WAY too much, I'm short tempered, stressed, frustrated, needy, my house is mess, the laundry piled up, don't even get me started on the mess in my garage, I'm still living out of boxes, and I'm so tired when I get home in the evenings I feel like the worst mother in the world because all I want to do is close my eyes and lay down before I have to get up and do it all again.
This is where trying to save myself has gotten me. This is where trying to control the situation has gotten me. I'm a jumbling mess of nerves and frustration. I lash out at innocent people (mostly my patient, gentle husband). I avoid, I ignore, I hide. I refuse to get involved. I can't let anybody in to see the mess I've created.
Now I'm a church brat, born and raised, and so I know how to fix it. I know what I have to do. If only it were really that easy. See I don't buy into the old adage that God won't give you more than you can handle. I absolutely, 100 percent believe that He gives you FAR more than you can handle. For moments such as this, when you have to take a long hard look in the mirror and admit that you CANNOT handle this. You are falling apart. Your life is a mess and you cannot clean it up enough for others not to start to notice.
I would tell you this is the bottom, but friends I think we have further yet to go. But I don't want to go there alone. I want to stand on the street corner and scream out, "YOU'RE RIGHT! I NEED YOU. I CANNOT DO THIS ALONE. I AM DROWNING. I AM DYING HERE ... I NEED YOU."
The great news, and for me it's always the great news, I don't have to stand and scream. I can just stop trying. I can start giving it to Him. I can say you win. You get to be in control (it's besides the point that he always was anyways). It's like when I watch the boy fight sleep. We both know he is EXHAUSTED beyond words. He can't even keep his eyes open, but he flails about and cries and screams and beats on my chest and flat out refuses to give in, until finally in that albeit BEAUTIFUL, glorious moment he succumbs and the peaces comes.
That's what it's like. I've been fighting, hands beating against His chest, screaming, crying, throwing myself from one side to the other and finally I give in. And in that one beautiful, glorioius moment...peace. No, it's not fixed. No, I don't have any more answers than I did yesterday. The dishes are still piled up, we are still tripping over boxes and laundry, the boy still manages to eat dog food on occasion but there is peace. Because I let go. I quit holding on so tight to it that nothing could grow, nothing good could blossom. I just let go. And in that moment ... beauty comes forth. It's not always the beauty I want ... but it is always the beauty I need.
I come broken to be mended
I come wounded to be healed
I come desperate to be rescued
I come empty to be filled
I come guilty to be pardoned
By the blood of Christ the Lamb
And I'm welcomed with open arms
Praise God, just as I am
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