Mother's Day

My first Mother’s Day as a mom. There was something different in the air for me this morning, a realization that all those Mother’s Days that I sat crying and longing have been fulfilled. With that came the stark realization that for many others this morning brings nothing but pain and longing. I vowed to never forget that pain and I don’t. Not a single day goes by that I do not find myself at a place of incredible gratefulness for the life that is my son.

I remember the heaviness and the sadness. I remember the not feeling good enough, not feeling worthy. I remember the tears. I remember the hesitation. I remember it all. Just because I’m a mom, I have not forgotten.

I have a word for those who are feeling the heaviness this morning. Becoming a mother did not change any part of who I already was. I had this idea in my longing that becoming a mother would make me whole. It didn’t. Did it make my life richer? Yes, most definitely! But my worth is not found in that sweet, little boy. It can’t be. My worth is still found in the eyes of my heavenly Father. It always was.  It was hard to see that in the midst of my struggle, so I wanted to share it with you today. You are who you are called to be no matter what situation you find yourself in this morning. It doesn’t take away the longing or the pain, but maybe on some level you can find encouragement in it.

This Mother’s Day is bittersweet for me. While I am relishing in and enjoying the gift I have been given, I’m also reeling with the fact that my own mother is facing one of the most difficult situations. A few weeks ago we were shopping and I mentioned something about her mother’s day gift. She said don’t get me anything. I of course told her that was ridiculous. Then she responded with well at least in a few years or so I won’t even remember if you do or not. We laughed because that’s what we do … but on the inside my heart shattered into a million pieces.

We don’t talk about it much. I don’t talk about it much in terms of what the future might actually be…but it TERRIFIES me. What if this is the last mother’s day she remembers? My hope is that we have many, MANY more good years. But I also can’t deny the facts around me. Our good years could be fast declining. I don’t mean that to sound all Debby Downer on you. I hope beyond all hope that we have 20-30 more amazing years. However, most of what I read tells me that’s an unrealistic hope.

Regardless, this Mother’s Day I am vowing to enjoy her like I never have before. I’m vowing to take in every moment. I’m vowing to pour every ounce of love I have in me on her.

My mother.

She is amazing. She is facing this uncertainty with more grace and more calm than I can even comprehend. She is amazing. She is scared. She only lets me see it every so often, but it’s there. I wish beyond anything I could take the fear, I could take the uncertainty and I could give her hope. I wish I could promise her we’d all wake up from this nightmare. But instead I will resolve to love her with all I have. I will promise her that I will not give up on her or ever.  I will promise to walk alongside her, to hold her hand, to be there for her – the same way she has always been for me.

I don’t know what your circumstance is this Mother’s Day. Maybe you are stuck in the heaviness, maybe you’ve recently lost your mother, maybe you’ve recently lost your child, maybe this is the best Mother’s Day of your life … here’s what I do know: Life is short. For some of us, it’s shorter than we ever imagined. Time is fleeting. Make every moment count. Let go of the past and move forward. Life is too short to waste or to spend focusing on things that don’t matter. Hug the people you love. Tell them how much they mean to you. Make your time count.

As I celebrate my mother this morning and the gift of being a mother, I vow to make each moment count. I vow to be present with my son and with my mother. I vow not to hide when it gets to tough. I promise to hug and to tell them both I love them. For now each day is a gift and I for one plan on enjoying it.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. I love you.