Love Came Down

Well hello. I know, I know some of you thought I fell off the face of the Earth. I have just been SO busy. It’s kind of crazy, but between my new job, the boy, life and taking care of mom… there are never near enough hours in any given day. I’ve so missed blogging though and I think it’s become really evident to me that it is my outlet. It’s the place I let go and just be. I need that in my life.

Let’s see, let’s start with a bit of an update. Things around here are … well interesting. We’ve officially been back living with my parents for two months. There are days I am convinced it was the absolute most stupid decision we could ever have made, but 99% of the time I know in my heart this is where we are supposed to be, even on the hard days. There have been plenty of hard days lately too. I won’t lie and tell you that there aren’t plenty of days that both the Hubs and I wish for our own space, but the bigger picture here keeps us sane and keeps us going.

Honestly, mom’s not doing the best. There are more days with issues than without. The weight is a BIG concern. Trust me, we all see it too. We are working on it. I’m in touch with the doctor pretty regularly about it and we are trying to figure out meds that work better because what we are doing now isn’t working that great. We are grateful for your love and support and concern! We have good days, we have bad days … we cry a lot. We are trying to laugh a lot in between. I’m not good at this (AT ALL). I spend a lot of nights crying to my husband for something I did wrong that day. It is not in my nature to not argue. For those of you who know me, you know this is true. Being right is in my blood … but it doesn’t matter. IT. DOESN’T. MATTER. If the sky is purple, then it just is. If she didn’t move the medicine, she didn’t. No amount of arguing matters. That’s a hard lesson for me. So if you’re in the praying business…ya know, food for thought J!

I hate this disease. It has already stolen so much from us and it will only continue to take. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately and I recognized a parallel I’m not particularly happy with. This disease just barged into my life without warning. It showed up and it started making demands. It started throwing around accusations. It started messing with my life. It didn’t wait on me. It kept pushing forward, barging ahead, not caring what it was destroying in the process.

 It took and took and took.

And I think sometimes that’s how I approach my relationship with God. I take and I take and I take. I barge in, making all kinds of demands, not waiting to just pushing ahead.

You know I won’t lie. This whole thing has rocked my world. It has brought me to my knees on multiple occasions, but it has not changed my faith. Some days my faith may be harder than others but it has not changed.

It has changed my God for me though. I have found him to be the most faithful, the most patient, the most loving, the most constant. He has put up with me through my questions, my whining, my complaining, my anger, my rage, my frustration … All. Of. It.  I knew God was good, but honestly I’m learning just how good He is.

Growing up I was in church every single time the doors were open. My relationship with God was defined by my attendance at church events, how many times I had my quiet time, etc. I knew in my head that nothing I could do would ever EARN me my salvation … yet I kept striving away. I am learning, albeit slowly, that the truth of what I have known is still true. I cannot be good enough, read my bible enough, sing loud enough, pray hard enough … there is nothing I can do to make me right in God’s eyes. I am … because He is.

The past few months that has become such a balm on my soul. There are days that I barely have time to breathe between work, a toddler, my mom, my family … so squeezing in that quiet time doesn’t always happen. But God still IS. He is still all the things he was before and he will still be all those things tomorrow. His love for me is not contingent on me.

Let me say that again…

HIS LOVE FOR ME IS NOT CONTINGENT ON ME.

He just loves me. That’s it.

There are days I need to be reminded of that. This is one of those days .

I crank up some Kari Jobe, fall face first into my pillow and cry my eyes out. Because he just love me and I need that.

Love Came Down 

If my heart is overwhelmed and I cannot hear your voice,

I’ll hold on to what is true, though I cannot see.

If the storms of life they come, and the road ahead gets steep,

I will lift these hands in praise, I will believe.

I remind myself of all that you’ve done, and the life I have BECAUSE OF YOUR SON.

Love came down and rescued me, love came down and set me free

I am yours, I am forever yours

Mountain high or valley low, I sing out and remind my soul

I am yours, I am FOREVER yours.

When my heart is filled with hope, every promise comes my way,

When I feel your hands of grace pressed upon me,

Staying desperate for you God, staying humbled at your feet,

I will lift these hands in praise I will believe.

Love came down and rescued me, love came down and set me free

I am yours, I am forever yours

Mountain high or valley low, I sing out and remind my soul

I am yours, I am FOREVER yours.