Be Held

So many emotions have floated around in my mind and my heart the past few days. I hate everything about what is going on, BUT I have decided that I cannot let that burden me anymore. I hate the saying it is what it is ... because I want to be the person that says no I don't accept this! But in this circumstnace, it kind of is what it is. There's not a lot I can do to change the circumstances. I want to fight them. I want to learn absolutely everything there is to learn about all of this and I want to search for trials and research and absolutely anything available out there. At the end of the day though, I know that for me it will be best to just face this diagnosis head on. It is what it is. I wish I could change it, but right now I can't. That won't stop me from fighting, but it will help me in accepting.

I refuse to be beat by this though. I refuse to crawl into the hole (the one that is dark and I know so well) and let it win. I have written before about my struggles with depression. Right now, I honestly belive were it not for my child I would not be getting out of bed. It literally takes everything in me to roll over and turn on the light, climb out of bed and face each day. But I refuse to live with this cloud hanging over me. It sucks. We know that...we can all agree to that. But she's still here. It is not the end for us yet.

So I want to cherish absolutely every single moment. I want to live life to the fullest every single day. I've had several people question our move out to my parent's house. You know, let me just be honest for one minute, no at the end of the day I did not see myself at 32, married with a kid, moving in with my parents. But you know what, I didn't see a lot of this coming. Right now us being in their home allows for several things to happen.

One, it allows for my mother to spend enormous amounts of time with her only grandchild. It allows her to make memories with him, that even though she may forget and he may not be old enough to remember, I ALWAYS will. As I sit in the evenings and watch the two of them play Legos or drive around in his car, my heart gets extremely heavy. Because I know what this diagnosis means for our future, but I want to embrace today. I want them to have the best, most loving relationship there ever was between a kid and his nana. She deserves that.

Two, it takes some pressure off of my father. For those of you who know my dad, you know he is not what we would call a super emotional guy. However, I have seen this man step up in enormous ways in the past 6 months. He has been there for my mother like absolutely no one else. He reminds her that they promised for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and he tells her that she is not going through this alone. If I can do even one thing every day that makes his life a little easier, it's worth it.

Here's the thing, I don't really care if you agree. I don't really care if you think I'm making the right choice. I'm doing what I feel is best for my family. Realistically, the research shows we won't have a whole lot of years left, especially GOOD ones. So I'm going to smother the heck out of my mom, spending and soaking up as much time with her as possible. And if you don't like it - go tell someone else! :)

This is what I realized last night: I don't want to waste what precious, little time we have left. I don't want to look back 10 years from now and wish I'd have taken it all more seriously. I don't want to look back and wish I'd have spent more time with her than worried about the future.

I don't know what tomorrow holds. My mom told someone yesterday life can change in an instant. It really can. I'm incredibly grateful that I still have her and so I'm going to spend those moments making memories that will l ast forever.

You know me and my lyrics. A friend keeps sending me this, even though we both know it's going to make me cry every time! :) But it is SO GOOD!

Just Be Held

Casting Crowns 

Hold it all together

Everybody needs you strong

But life hits you out of nowhere

And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting 

Chained by your control 

There's freedom in surrender

Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away

You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place

I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm

You'll wonder if I love you still

But if your eyes are on the cross

You'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted

In time, you'll understand 

I'm painting beauty with the ashes 

Your life is in My hands

Lift your hands, life your eyes

In the storm is where you'll find Me

And where you are, I'll hold your heart

I'll hold your heart

Come to Me, find your rest

In the arms of the God who won't let go