Listening

I've been trying to listen..to Him. I've been trying to hear his voice among the noise and the chaos, among the anger and the hurt. I've been trying to listen. I think He keeps speaking ... I hear Him when a friend shares a note of encouragement or support. I hear Him on the radio. I see Him in my child, in my mom. I know He is here. I know he never left ...

Tonight though I feel broken. I feel like I am fighting a battle that I am never going to win. I know I'm going to lose but yet I HAVE to fight. I have to keep trying. I lay here and I think about the future and I feel this black hole come over me. A pain grips my chest so tightly and refuses to let go. What if we lose? We know we will lose... this is an ugly disease with no answers. The biggest piece of hope we are given is maybe one day.

How do you keep fighting when you know you can't win?

How do you keep putting one foot in front of the other?

There is so much pain all around us. There is hurt and confusion around us on a daily basis. Today I was thinking what if I had no hope at all? How devastating would that be? At least there is hope, at least we have that.

I am telling you I am blessed. I have many people in my life who are daily texting me scripture, song lyrics, words of encouragement. You people need to know your voice matters. There are some days those texts are the only thing that keep me going. When I'm frustrated and when I feel like giving up ... I go to those.

Recently a friend sent me something I've been stuck on. Let me just say this person is not someone I thought would be a friend. But she has proven herself to be so faithful and so strong for me. She has become so dear to my heart. I know she reads these so I hope she knows just how much I value her and love her. We don't do the mushy thing well :) so anonymous is good for us!

Recently she sent me the Desert Song. I know this song. Our kids at MABC used to sing it well. I've listened to those lyrics many a night to help get me through some rough days. But this time ... they just seem stuck on me. One line in particular ... "this is my prayer in the battle, when triumph is still on it's way..." Honestly, triumph feels a long way off. Alright truth, triumph feels dang near impossible. So I just keep repeating that it is still on it's way, hoping and willing myself to believe it.

The past few nights its been on my heart how much others are hurting too...So maybe tonight someone needs these words... Triumph is still on the way. God is your victory and He is here.

I'm going to write those words on my heart tonight. I'm winding my way down a dark, lonely path trying to find my way back to that victory, to that God who is still there. But I know that triumph is still on the way...I'm just afraid I won't really like what it looks like.