Trying to Deal

I’ve been itching to write for a while now, but the opportunity just hasn’t shown itself. I’ve been so busy this summer. It’s been good, don’t get me wrong, but my idea of a nice relaxing summer has flown right out the window. Especially considering that I have somewhere around 25 days before I go back to work L! Where has the summer gone?

I haven’t written since we got the diagnosis. That was on June 30…it’s been 10 days. I still honestly can’t tell you exactly how I feel. I go through the gamut of emotions on pretty much a daily basis. A friend told me today they are glad I’m making the most of my time instead of wasting it on anger. Here’s the truth … I’m so angry. I really haven’t had a decent conversation with God in months. It’s not that I don’t understand that he has a plan. I do, but can I just be completely honest. His plan is completely, 100 percent shitty. I don’t care what the good is that will come from this. I’ve read the stories on the internet of people that suffer from this disease. I’ve talked with people whose loved ones have suffered and I just don’t care. I hate everything about this. EVERYTHING.

So that’s really where my heart has been for the last 10 days. Angry. But even more than anger I think there is fear. I’m scared I won’t be strong enough to handle what we are going to have to deal with. I’m scared of what we don’t know. I’m scared of what we do know. I’m just scared.

A friend sent me a pin on Pinterest that I honestly don’t like very much. But I love her so I decided to open it and look at it even though I knew what was in it would be hard.

I tell myself that I will always be honest on here, even when I know that my honesty isn’t for everyone. So here goes … I’m not there. I’m not in a place where I can tell God take her and I will still praise you. I want to be some days and other days I don’t want anything to do with this God I know loves me.  Job was a G…I’m just not. I don’t know that my faith is honestly strong enough for this battle we are about to endure. I don’t know that I’m strong enough. And honestly, I don’t want to have to find out. I want to rewind and find a different road that takes us somewhere totally other than here.

But for now I will continue to get out of bed every morning. I will put one foot in front of the other and I will try my hardest to make each day count. I will love my mother with absolutely everything I have in me and I will do everything in my power to make her days easier.

Can I just add a side note? We all have things in our lives that suck and are hard. I am in no way downplaying anyone else’s crap or trying to give the impression that somehow mine is worse. Life is hard. For all of us. I get that. I do. I’m just trying to process my own grief, anger and fear here. So for those of you going through the crap too I hate it for you just as much as I hate it for us. Life is hard. I wish Jesus would just come back…for us all.